Shannon woke in the beach house alone. Of course, she’d eaten two sandwiches in the beach house alone. And cried in the beach house alone. And apparently, fallen asleep at some point in the beach house. Alone.
Her face felt like someone had dipped it in saltwater and stretched it out to dry. She was exhausted even though she’d just woken up.
She had no meetings and nowhere to be that day, so she stayed in bed, her mind reviewing the conversation where she’d become single again.
Why do you think that?
Jeremiah had asked her that twice, and both times had lit a fire under her. It sounded so much like something Doctor Finlayson would ask her—had asked her—that Shannon couldn’t really see reason in the moment.
She could now, and she admitted that it was possible that Jeremiah really did just want to have a conversation. And he really did want to know what she thought and felt, so he could make an informed decision.
He’d never said anything about her job coming between them until recently, but Shannon knew she’d chosen Your Tidal Forever over him countless times. She didn’t have to skip as many lunches as she did.
And she hadn’t had to stay after her meeting yesterday either.
So why did you? she asked herself, already knowing the answer. She’d stayed after the two-hour meeting with her bride because she’d been terrified to go to the beach house and face Jeremiah.
Breaking up over the phone was easier than having to look him in the eyes and see that he wasn’t interested in her anymore. And if it wasn’t going to be a break-up, it would’ve been a very hard conversation, and Shannon didn’t want to do that either.
She felt wildly out of control, swinging from left to right with very little to hold onto. Pushing herself up, she scooted to the edge of the bed and let her feet dangle inches above the floor.
The sunlight pouring through the window seemed oblivious to her mood, which was the exact opposite of warm and bright. She shuffled into the kitchen and made coffee, wondering if she could just drive over to Jeremiah’s and….
“Then what?” she asked herself with a scoff. “You couldn’t face him yesterday, and today, you look like someone’s pumped your face up with air.” Crying always did make her puffy.
She sipped her coffee and wandered out to the beach. It felt like an abandoned strip of sand, and while Jeremiah liked the sparseness of people on the beach, Shannon liked the vibrancy of tourists and families, children and couples, noise and conversations of those around her.
On the way back to the beach house, she called Cheryl. “I need a day at the beach,” she said instead of hello. “And doughnuts. And some of those candies from that Korean shop.”
“You broke up with Jeremiah?” Cheryl asked without missing a beat. “Why?”
“I don’t know.” Shannon sighed and gazed up at the house. “Things haven’t been going that great for a while now, and….” She exhaled again. “I just don’t want to be alone today.”
“I can be ready with the kids in an hour.”
“Great, I’ll see you there.” Shannon hung up, grateful for her sister. She didn’t want Cheyenne to feel bad, so she texted her to let her know about the beach plans for the day.
Can’t come, her text said. Going out to Lightning Point with a guy named Gideon.
Ooh, Gideon, Shannon tapped out. Sounds interesting.
We’ll see, Cheyenne responded. First date.
Shannon smiled at the text, then she went back inside the beach house and started getting ready to leave. She had to get the dishes done, and take the trash out, and pack her things. When she was finally ready, she stood on the deck and whispered into the wind, “Definitely not the weekend I was hoping for.”
But the sky, the ocean, nor the sand really cared what she was hoping for. They couldn’t change what had happened between her and Jeremiah.
Nobody could.
Except Shannon.
“What do you mean you told him you didn’t want him to be your therapist?” Cheryl asked. She didn’t have to sound so judgmental about it.
“I just don’t like feeling like he’s trying to get to the root of my problems.”
“Is he?”
“I don’t know.” Shannon kept her eyes on the white-tipped waves as they crashed against the shore. “It felt like it, but he said he was just having a conversation.”
“Maybe he was.”
“Maybe.”
Cheryl never was one to sugar-coat anything, but she’d been very supportive as Shannon had detailed what had happened that weekend. Shannon liked that she wasn’t berating Jeremiah, though part of her wanted her to.
“So, you’ll just call him again and explain everything,” Cheryl said.
“Why would I do that?” Shannon said. “He acts like his job is more important than mine.”
“Does he?”
“Yes,” Shannon said. “He does.”
“You said your job wasn’t a problem until recently.” Cheryl looked at her through those mirrored shades, then switched her attention back to the twins, who were building a sandcastle several paces away.
“Right.”
“And you said you didn’t have to choose meetings over lunches with him.”
“I just meant—”
“So really, the job isn’t the problem,” Cheryl said, her voice getting louder as she talked over Shannon. She didn’t say what the problem was, though. Shannon didn’t need her to say it out loud.
It was right there in her mind.
I’m the problem.
And Shannon didn’t know how to not be the problem.
“I’m seeing someone,” she said. “I’m trying to…figure out how to…be better.”
Cheryl reached over and took Shannon’s hand in hers. “You don’t need to be better, Shannon.”
“Obviously I do.”
“But you don’t,” she said. “You just need to, I don’t know. Be yourself. Stop being afraid. Let go. Let yourself fall in love with him.”
Shannon shook her head, but she said nothing. She didn’t know how to let go. She didn’t know how to love. She’d been holding on so tight—so tight—to that ledge so she wouldn’t fall in love with him.
And she was afraid she’d gone and done that anyway.
“I am myself,” she whispered, just because she knew that much was true.
Cheryl squeezed her hand. “And he liked you, Shannon. He liked you.”
The waves kept marching ashore, the way they always did. Shannon watched them, wishing she was as strong, as resilient as they were. After a few hours, Cheryl got up and started getting her kids ready to go home.
Shannon joined her, packing her bag and taking down the umbrella. “What should I do, Cheryl?” she asked as they walked back up the beach toward the parking lot.
“Oh, honey, you don’t want me to tell you what to do.”
“Yes, I do.”
Cheryl went around to the back of her sensible sedan and popped the trunk. “Get in guys,” she told her kids as she started loading their gear in the trunk. She finished and looked at Shannon.
“Figure out what you want, and then go after it,” she said. “And if that’s Jeremiah, don’t be afraid. Just go get him.”
Shannon sighed, wishing she could snap her fingers and do exactly what her sister said. “How do I figure out what I want?”
“I don’t know,” Cheryl said. “Make a list. Check is twice. Talk to your counselor. Pray. Listen to your heart.” She drew Shannon into a hug and said, “You’ll know, Shanny. Then you just have to be brave enough to act.”
She gave her a quick smile that seemed sad around the edges and got in the car with her kids. Shannon watched her sister drive away, and she stood there with a new determination to figure out what she wanted.
If she could do that, she thought she might be brave enough to go get it.
Shannon skipped her next session with Doctor Finlayson, instead getting behind the wheel of her car and driving for a while. She went past the cattle ranch and out into the wilds of the island.
She pulled off the road when she saw a small parking lot with only one other car in it. She got out and walked over to the rock wall. A sign told her why this place was special, but she didn’t read it.
The sky held a hint of darkness as a storm brewed on the horizon. It looked the same way Shannon felt inside. Gray and swirling and like anything could happen in any moment.
“I just want to be happy,” she said to the sky.
And what makes you happy?
She wasn’t sure if someone had actually asked the question, or if the universe was whispering to her, but she said, “My job makes me happy. Hercules makes me happy. My cats make me happy.” She took a big breath. “Jeremiah makes me happy.”
This past month had been difficult, and she realized now that it wasn’t because she was so busy at work. It was because she was so busy at work and that kept her from spending time with Jeremiah.
He soothed her and helped the anxiety in her life disappear. Without him, all the negativity in her life didn’t have anywhere to go.
So now what? the sky asked, and Shannon simply stared at it.
“I don’t know.” She turned away from the storm then, got back in her car, and went back to work.
The other girls in the office knew something had happened, but no one had said anything yet. Of course, it was a very busy time at Your Tidal Forever, and maybe they didn’t notice that she was operating under a black cloud.
They all had lives too, and surely, they were dealing with issues and problems of their own. The moment Shannon realized that, she lifted her head and glanced around. She needed to get outside of her head, look beyond herself.
So she got up and walked down the hall to Riley’s desk. “Hey,” she said. “Are you still looking for people to help with that Strut Your Mutt thing?”
Riley blinked and said, “Yes. Are you interested?”
“Totally,” Shannon said with a smile. She hadn’t smiled in what felt like so long. “What do you need?”
“We need people to walk dogs,” she said. “It’s a 5K walk, and you’ll be walking two or three dogs who need forever homes.”
“I’ve never really walked a dog,” Shannon said, a familiar blip of fear stealing through her. She pushed against it, because it was walking a blasted dog. How hard could it be?
“Oh, it’s fine,” Riley said. “You walk, and the dogs strut their stuff and hopefully everyone goes home with a new friend.”
“I could use a new friend,” Shannon said, her voice breaking on the last word.
Riley stood up and drew Shannon into a hug. “What happened with Jeremiah?”
“How do you know something happened?”
“He hasn’t come by this week,” Riley said. “And you’re miserable.”
“I am not. I’m going to help with the Strut Your Mutt.” Shannon smiled and stepped back. “I just need some time to figure things out.”
Riley nodded. “The event is next weekend. It’s going to be great.”
“Are there any meetings or anything?”
“Sure. In fact, there’s one tonight.”
“Great,” Shannon said. “I’ll be there.” She went back to her desk, her step lighter than it had been in a while.
She did go to the meeting that night, and she met a wonderful springer spaniel named Birdy. She didn’t pull on the leash at all, but she was afraid of almost everything they passed as they walked.
Shannon enjoyed her time outside, though it was hot, and she listened to the woman talk about the adoption process so the walkers would be able to help anyone who had questions. When she went to bed that night, Shannon felt like she’d actually done something good that day.
The mornings and evenings until the Strut Your Mutt event passed, each one seemingly slower than the last. Shannon wanted to text Jeremiah and tell him about the event. Mention that she was considering adopting her own dog. Wondered if maybe he had any advice.
But she didn’t send him any messages. She wanted to be able to be completely honest with him when she talked to him again, and she wasn’t sure she was ready to do that yet.
So she showed up bright and early on Saturday morning, dressed in her yoga pants and pink tank top, ready to walk three dogs at the same time. She adjusted her visor and approached the blue volunteer tent.
After giving her name, she got three slips of paper with three names of dogs on them. In the kennel area, she handed her slips to another volunteer, who retrieved her canine buddies for the day.
“Shiloh, Winston, and Bubba,” she said, smiling at Shannon like walking a 5K with three dogs was going to be the best thing ever.
Shannon smiled back, because she couldn’t imagine anything else she’d rather be doing. Shiloh was a pit bull mix, who was mostly a smoky gray color. He was sweet, if a little hyper, and Shannon decided to put him on her left by himself.
Winston was a huge lab mix of some kind, and he lumbered along beside her, already panting and they hadn’t even reached the starting line yet. Bubba was a white dog about half as big as Winston, and Shannon didn’t know what kind of dog he was.
She joined the crowd of people at the starting line, feeling a measure of accomplishment she hadn’t in a while. Even though she worked all day in a customer service industry and had done good things for people, this felt different.
By the time the race ended, Winston and Bubba had found homes, and Shannon and Shiloh headed back to the volunteer tent alone. “Sorry, bud,” he told the dog, who walked next to her obediently now. “You’ll find someone, I’m sure.”
She froze, realizing she was telling this dog what people had told her before. You’ll find someone, sweetie. Don’t give up.
“In fact,” she said. “You’re going to come home with me.” He wasn’t nearly as calm as Hercules, and she wasn’t sure how her cats would take to him, but Shannon could try him for a night or two before committing to adoption.
So she filled out the paperwork to do that, and then she loaded Shiloh into her car. He put his front arms up on the door and leaned out as if he wasn’t getting enough air with the top down. His tongue hung out of his mouth, and Shannon couldn’t help laughing at him.
She kept him on the leash as she led him up the steps, telling him, “Now, I have two cats. You be nice to them, and they’ll be nice to you.” At least she hoped they would be.
She opened the door and sure enough, both cats sat a few feet inside the door. “Hey, guys," she said. “This is Shiloh.”
The dog strained against the leash, but Shannon held him back. “This is Fuzzy and Jean Luc.”
Jean Luc streaked away, leaving Shiloh to meet Fuzzy alone. Fuzzy wasn’t too keen about that, and she ended up slinking away in the direction of Shannon’s bedroom too.
“So it’s just you and me, bud,” she said. “Don’t worry, they did that to Hercules too, and he’s the nicest dog in the world.”
That night, as she snuggled into her covers, Shiloh on the bed beside her, Shannon finally felt…happy.
“Almost,” she whispered to herself. It felt good to be serving others. Thinking of things outside her own sphere. As she drifted to sleep, she realized she needed to do something for Jeremiah to let him know she loved him.
But what could she do?