Dark Clouds

Dark Clouds
Jennifer 

“You didn’t have to do that, I only meant to ask for help with tracking the woman down. You have already done more than enough.” Bjorn tried to protest. I waved a hand at him, “It’s no problem, it’s my case that you are working on and no one else is supporting you so it’s the least we can do.” I replied.  
I stayed at my laptop, I really did have a lot of work to catch up on, so it was an easy excuse not to get involved. “Who will look after Daisy?” I asked. “My mother had been looking after her whilst she was recovering, it won’t be a problem for her to take her for a night.” He replied.  
I smiled, Daisy was well looked after and surrounded by love, she deserved no less than that after everything. “Give Daisy extra pets from me?” I asked. “I will, you still owe her a steak.” Bjorn replied, I looked up from my screen to catch him winking at me.  
I didn’t say a word, I couldn’t encourage him to get close to me, it was already enough that I was helping him to investigate my past. I think a part of me hoped he would succeed in bringing them down, as impossible as it seemed.  
If my plans go well, he will need to find out what is going on at some point, but I just have to make sure he stays out of trouble until then. If they get the chance, they will try to drag him through the mud with them.  
I don’t want to let him get hurt by getting mixed up with these people. They are dangerous, conniving and manipulative. He wouldn’t survive if he went in there alone to face them, one way or another, they would destroy him.  
I won’t let that happen but more importantly, I know he won’t let them compromise him. I subtly studied him whilst he stayed and chatted with the boys for a while longer before heading off to make arrangements for tomorrow.  
I don’t have doubts that he is capable of what I am going to put in front of him, I only question if he will want it and accept it. There is no one else that I believe would be able to do it though. No one else that I trust more to resist the unscrupulous ways that currently plague the precinct.  
“So, going to explain why you didn’t tell him that he is investigating your old cult?” Cieran asked after Bjorn had left. “I will, but I want to see what he can find first.” I replied.  
“So, this is a test for him?” He asked with slight judgement in his tone. “Mmm, in some ways, I do want to test his metal, but I also need to know how deeply they have buried things. It will tell me just how much local authorities have been turning a blind eye and if it will be possible to work with them. I don’t want to give anything away just yet.” I explained.  
“Jen, is what that article says true? Do you know who the journalist interviewed?” Cieran is curious but I don’t think he really wants to know the answers to that. “As far as I know, I am the only one who has ever made it out alive.” I simply replied, avoiding answering him fully.  
“Bjorn doesn’t know Steve and the rest of the security team at the office, get a couple of them to follow him at a distance. I want a full report so I can track how deep he is digging and make sure he stays safe.” I told Cieran.  
He gave a curt nod, “On it Jennifer.” “Thanks, I’ll be in the office for the next few days. I have a lot of work to catch up on and I’ve abandoned Maria with it all for long enough." I told him.  
“You know she can handle it Jen, rest a bit longer, I can still hear your chest rattle from time to time.” He replied in his usual, frank way. I instinctively glanced at my chest and then back at him.  
“Alright, how about I promise to get an early night big brother.” I conceded, warmed by his affectionate concern. “Okay, and eat properly too.” Cieran added with raised brows.  
“Okay, okay, as long as you spare me the nagging.” I replied with a lighthearted laugh. It had been so long since we had been able to feel so relaxed and talk as we normally would.  
So much had happened lately, it was nice to have a moment of normalcy with my chosen brothers. Even burying myself in work again, I felt a little more grounded than I had before.  
Thinking of family brought a wave of unsettled feeling to me though. I still felt nothing about my father being dead, he had never played that role for me. He was always distant and uncaring at best.  
On the bad days, when he was sending me for ‘punishment’ I used to cry and hope that one day my parents might rescue me. They might see how good I was trying to be and show me the love I so desperately craved.  
It never happened though; my earliest memories were trying to reach the counter where the first aid box was. I never cried, there was no use in that as no one ever came, I just quietly cleaned myself up and tried to make sure that I didn’t leave any mess behind for them to get angry about.  
I don’t know when I stopped feeling anything for them, but it was sometime after I realised that they felt nothing for me. So, the fact that my dad is dead now doesn’t bother me.  
It’s the fact that I was capable of giving that order, of watching a human life be taken and feeling nothing. Isn’t this what they always wanted? To condition me so that I no longer had human emotions. To make me just like them.  
They may not have been able to convince me to follow them blindly, but I know they still broke some part of me. They still affected me, hardened my heart and blackened my soul.  
All these years, my biggest nightmare has been turning out just like them, isn’t that what I am doing now? Well, my second biggest nightmare. My first is the memory of the faces of all those children being filled into that facility.  
I knew what happened in there, I had lived it, and still, I had walked away. Maybe he won’t forgive me when he learns the truth. I was weak, I still am.