Chapter 82 Cold feet
Chapter 82 Cold feet
I sat in the garden on campus. My legs were continuously shaking and my fingers tapping my thighs like it was trying the rhythm of a recent tap dance show I watched on tiktok.
My hands clutched my phone tightly aggressively waiting for a new message from klaus or maya at least.
I couldn't do this. My audition was in fifteen minutes but my legs felt numb and all my senses dulled.
I was ready to book my flight and go home right now.
Sure I would seem like a loser but I didn't care anymore.
I knew I couldn't do this.
I just can't.
"Aren't you supposed to be in performance arts like-" I turned to see Jay checking his wrist watch "right now?"
My breathing tensed. My chest weighed me down , my ears rang loudly and my eyes could only see stars and fairies.
Jay crouched in front of me and placed his hands on mine.
"Tessa, look at me" he ordered. "You're having a panic attack but you'll be fine I promise"
I did what I thought was a nod in my head but it felt as though my brain shifted.
The worst of all was my silence. The longer I kept quiet, the faster I was drifting into a state of unconsciousness.
"This might sound off but I want you to read your alphabets"
What?!
Alphabets?!
I only realised later that reading my alphabets was supposed to keep my brain active enough to stay conscious.
He raised a finger in front of my face. "You're probably seeing like five fingers right now but I promise I'm holding up just one,I need you to find it"
He wasn't wrong. I was seeing a lot of fingers.
He walked me through my panic attack and after what seemed like an eternity of endless falling,I was finally okay.
I checked my phone again. Nothing from maya or klaus.
My face turned pale.
"I can't do this"
"You've not even tried," he calmly said.
"What if i-"
"You don't get to jump into conclusions without trying first" he cut In
"What if I'm not good enough"
"That will be decided after you try"
I looked away.
Easy for him to say.
He wasn’t the one about to walk into a room full of professionals whose entire job was literally to decide if I was talented enough to belong here.
My hand started shaking again and I saw his eyes dart towards it.
I tried to hide it but it was obvious he could clearly see it.
Dang it tessa. Why does it have to be today of all freaking days.
I needed Klaus but he wasn't picking up his calls, no texts, nothing.
Like the one day I needed my boyfriend, he's nowhere to be found.
Let's not even get started with maya. She legit went ghost mode the moment I got OK the plane here and that's way more frustrating because she would know exactly what to say right now.
"I think I know what your problem is," he said.
Umm, no you don't we literally just met like less than four days ago. We just got acquainted yesterday.
"Do tell" I responded.
"You're one of those people that acts like confidence comes before doing scary things"
I remained quiet.
“People always think confident people are fearless,” he continued, sitting beside me on the pavement. “They're not. Most of us are terrified.”
“Then why do it?”
He shrugged.
“Because fear isn’t some magical stop sign, Tessa.”
That was the first time he called my name since we got acquainted.
"Now I don't know much about you, I don't know anything really but.." he paused "i know you flew here despite the fear you had for flying"
"I had to-"
"No you wanted to, you didn't let fear stop you and you shouldn't now"
I cleared my throat "this is different" I said quietly.
"It's the same thing" he said "maybe you'll mess up"
Wow, totally feel motivated to go and fucking mess up.
"Maybe your iur voice shakes or you forget a line or you walk out of there bating every single second of it"
Maybe it will all happen together.
"No matter what happens in there, you're going walk out knowing you didn't let fear stop you from trying"
I nodded
"Fear is a bitch" I said quietly
"Fear is a bitch" he repeated
By the time I reached the back stage, I felt sick to my stomach again.
Jay had to leave for some important stuff.
As I sat on the bench, watching as people rehearsed their lines, re did their dance routines, voice trained and the likes, my thoughts drifted
I realised every big step I had taken up till today felt like it was being pushed by someone.
My last audition at school was motivated by maya, to keep the role was motivated by Klaus.
To keep on studying and get my grades up was motivated by ethan.
Every single point in my life where I needed to make a huge decision, I found myself looking at the confidence I had worked so hard to get and that pained me more than the feeling of not being enough.
Because this time I didn't feel enough for myself.
My legs were aggressively shaking as I waited forcmy name to be called. I didn't check my phone for texts or calls because I had been too dependent on it.
It was high time I summoned my confidence myself rather than leeching off different people all the time.
One random girl in a fairy costume approached me.
"Hello" she had the tiniest and cutest voice I had ever heard in my life.
"Hi"
"Sorry to bother you but everyone else seemed so...." she paused looking around the cacus of panicking young adults in the entire room "occupied"
Well what's to say I'm not.
"I really need someone to run lines with" she pleaded "I just need you to focus on me and check if im making any mistakes"
She seemed pretty self centred.
I gave her gentle nod and she began squeeling and jumping like I had just offered her a million bucks.
As I stood up to help, my name echoed through the speakers.
'Theresa Marlowe- participant sixty eight'
I froze, dusted myself and slowly headed for the stage.
The girl got the memo and went to search another partner.
This was it.
Everything that can go on with my body happened now- sweaty palms, wobbly legs, blinding lights, everything.
The stage was bigger than the one back at school.
“Whenever you're ready.” one of the judges said.
I swallowed.
The audience area was too dark. My eyes darted towards the judges.
They all looked strict, except.....
I knew that face.
Fucking hell.