Chapter 120
Lirael
The first few minutes were agony. My skin where it touched his felt like it was being simultaneously burned and frozen. Sebastian's body was rigid against mine, every muscle locked tight with the effort of not transforming.
I could feel the moment his control started to slip, feel the way his fingers—already tipped with claws—dug into my back hard enough to draw blood. The pain was sharp and immediate, and I bit down on my lip to keep from crying out, because if I showed weakness now, if I gave him any reason to think he was hurting me, he would pull away and that would be the end.
"It's okay," I whispered against his ear, my arms wrapping tighter around his shaking form even as I felt my own blood running warm down my spine. "I've got you. Just hold on."
His response was half-groan, half-growl, and then his mouth was at my throat, teeth scraping against skin that was too sensitive. I felt the moment his control shattered completely, felt his jaw open wider and his fangs sink into the junction between my neck and shoulder.
The pain was white-hot and immediate, and this time I couldn't stop the scream that tore from my throat. But underneath the pain was something else, because his venom was mixing with my blood and suddenly I could feel him, really feel him—not just his body but his mind, his soul, the desperate animal panic of a man losing himself and the fragile human consciousness clinging to existence.
I'm sorry, his thoughts whispered through the bond our blood had created. Can't stop—need you—so cold—
I forced myself to relax, forced myself to breathe through the pain. "Take what you need," I managed to gasp out. "I'm not going anywhere."
The moon dew was flowing from the wound now, I could feel it, mixing with my blood and flooding into his system. And I could feel the moment it hit his bloodstream, feel the way his body seized on it like a drowning man grasping at a lifeline, feel the deadly cold start to recede as my heat and magic worked through his veins.
But it wasn't enough. The transformation was still progressing, and I could feel through our blood bond that he was caught between two states—not fully human anymore but not completely beast either, suspended in a liminal space that was tearing him apart.
More, his thoughts begged. Please—need more—can't hold on—
I didn't let myself think about what I was doing as I shifted against him, trying to maximize contact, trying to give him everything he needed. My remaining clothes were already soaked with blood and sweat, and I fumbled with shaking hands to remove them, knowing that every barrier between us was a barrier between him and survival.
Sebastian's body was still ice-cold despite the heat I was pouring into him, and I could feel his core temperature still dropping, still falling toward that fatal threshold. The surface warming wasn't enough. It had never been going to be enough.
Deeper, his thoughts came again, more desperate now, more animal. Need you deeper—inside—please—
And I understood then what Marcus had been too tactful to say outright, understood what "the most intimate form of connection" really meant. The heat had to reach his core organs, had to warm him from the inside out, and there was only one way to do that.
"God help me," I whispered, and positioned myself over him, my hands braced on his chest where I could feel his heart stuttering and struggling beneath my palms.
Sebastian's eyes snapped open, amber and gold swirling together, and for just a moment there was clarity there, human consciousness breaking through the haze of transformation. "Don't," he managed to force out through chattering teeth. "Don't—you shouldn't—not like this—"
"Shut up," I said, my voice shaking. "Just—shut up and let me save you."
Then I lowered myself onto him, and the sensation of heat flooding into his body through that most intimate of connections was so intense it made us both cry out. I could feel it working immediately, feel the way his core temperature started to climb as my magic-heated body enveloped him, feel the way his heart steadied and strengthened with each beat.
But I could also feel the way his control was slipping further, the way the beast inside him was responding to this primal act with pure instinct. His hips bucked up involuntarily, driving him deeper, and his claws dug into my waist hard enough to draw more blood, more moon dew, feeding the cycle that was slowly pulling him back from the edge of death.
"I'm sorry," he gasped out, his voice raw and broken. "Can't—can't stop—your scent, your heat, your blood—it's too much—"
I could feel through our blood bond that he was telling the truth, that the beast had taken over the base functions of his body and all he could do was hold on to enough humanity to keep from hurting me worse than he already was. His body was moving now with a rhythm that was pure animal instinct, seeking warmth and life and the moon dew that was the only thing keeping the entropy from consuming him completely.
And god help me, but my body was responding, the full moon's power making every nerve ending hypersensitive, making every point of contact between us feel like fire and ice and something that might have been pleasure if it wasn't wrapped up in so much pain and desperation and the knowledge that this was wrong, so wrong, but also the only thing that could save him.
The hours blurred together after that. Pain and heat and the overwhelming sensation of being consumed and needed and used in ways I'd never imagined. I felt every seizure that wracked his body, felt the way the transformation would surge forward and then recede as my heat and magic pushed it back, felt the gradual, agonizing process as his core temperature finally stabilized and his body began to find equilibrium between man and beast.
Somewhere in the middle of it all, his teeth withdrew from my throat and his mouth found mine instead, and the kiss was desperate and hungry and tasted like blood and moon dew and tears—mine or his, I couldn't tell anymore. I kissed him back because I couldn't not, because in that moment we were connected in every possible way, bound together by blood and magic and bodies that had become one in the most fundamental sense.
When I finally felt his body go still beneath me, the transformation receding enough that his breathing evened out and his claws retracted, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry or scream. Every inch of me hurt— my throat was torn where he'd bitten me, and between my legs was a burning ache that spoke of hours of brutal, desperate coupling that had nothing to do with pleasure and everything to do with survival.
But he was alive. His heart was beating steady and strong beneath me, his skin had warmed to something approaching norma.
"We're even now," I managed to say, barely a whisper. "Whatever debt existed between us—it's paid. After tonight, we're done. Do you understand? We're done."