Chapter 140 Confessions
“Hale?”
In the shadows, his hair was the literal moon, illuminating his spot in the shadows, and creating a visible outline of his broad shoulders backing me.
But he did not turn.
There was no way he had not heard my footsteps, or picked up my scent from a mile away. He was ignoring me on purpose, and my heart sank at this realization.
I glanced back, down the hallway with uncertainty. But with a deep inhale for courage, I moved forward and gave his neck a gentle touch.
He spun around. I flinched. His eyes were the yellow-gold heat of a Lycan. They smoldered with a deep-seated anger. And then they died out again, all midnight blue. He turned away from me and balanced his elbows on the railings.
My heart thudded loudly. He was evidently furious with me, but the only reason he would come all this way, was to inspect the area, make sure of my safety. He still cared.
With my heart literally in my mouth, I moved forward and leaned against the railing beside him. “Rage is an unnatural emotion for me. Always has been,” I said quietly, staring down into the courtyard where the audience would be seated by this time tomorrow.
Hale did not give any indication that he could hear me, but I went on.
“I had never thought it possible to feel such strong emotions that you saw red. Until I met you.” I laughed awkwardly at the memory, hearing my voice echo. “Not even Gianna could get under my skin the way you did that first week.”
I glanced sideways at him, and there was a shadow of amusement at the corner of his lips. I exhaled, feeling a little more at ease.
With Mordaine, we could share comfortable silences, or discuss social and political concepts of the world. I did not have to act or think. As a dom, he was more than happy to do all the work on my behalf. With Finn, I could be weak, and tell him stories and truths I had too much pride to tell anyone else. But Hale… Hale has always been the one I could slit my heart open for, share long-winded sentences of big emotions I did not exactly understand.
Like I was doing now.
I had made up my mind to tell him my true feelings, it was the least I could do. But I had no idea how to get there. Despite all my degrees, I suddenly could not form coherent words to convey the emotions that sent my heart thudding whenever he was near, that slipped through the cracks of my mind to create happy dreams.
“The ability to feel that rage disappeared after our split,” I exhaled out of my mouth. “I went through the months and years after, without ever feeling the desire to retaliate with violence, regardless of how provoked I was. That was until we met again…”
I turned my head sideways now. “I’m jealous, Hale.”
His stiffened, and then, slowly, he turned fully to face me.
“I'm jealous and scared…” Yes, I was scared. Mordaine assured me that the changes in my body had nothing to do with the Ascendant ritual, but what if he was wrong? What if there really was a chance to cheat the ritual, and I was tossing it aside for a chance to... love?
“I find it difficult to explain this, to even understand it. But something has changed inside me.” My voice caught, and he immediately reached out to touch my arm, just touch.
I inhaled, feeling the stability to continue.
“Something changed inside me that day I moved into your Hollywood mansion. But I cannot even explain what changed. My personality, my view of the world, my emotions? It's chaos, all of it, and I am trapped inside it. But surprisingly, I find myself navigating it with startling clarity.”
My shoulders sagged now, suddenly realizing how stupid I must sound. Any other person would have walked away by now because why can't I just get to the point?
“I’m sorry, this all probably sounds nonsensical.” I started to pull away, but his hand tightened around my arm.
I stood starting into those shocking blue eyes, as dark as the night sky above us. Where Finn and Mordaine stole my breath away, Hale made it easier to breathe.
“I am jealous of Finn,” I said finally, and his eyes narrowed an inch. “I am so jealous I feel this childish urge to throw a tantrum if it means I get to keep you to myself. Because you should be mine, mine alone.”
A lump formed in my throat. Hot.
“But these feelings embarrass me.” I tried to smile but my lips only wobbled. Hale winced. “A woman as wretchedly selfish as I, has no right to such claims, not after all I have done, all I might still do.” I bit my lip hard now. “Not when I hesitate to dedicate my heart to you even now,” I whispered.
In the dim light, his eyes became pools, darkened ponds of sorrow. And against my arm, his hand shook.
“I ruined us,” I whispered, and Hale moved his hand up to brush his knuckles against my cheek. “We had a pearly white relationship that we took great pride in keeping clean, remember?”
He nodded quickly then, staring into my eyes with all the pain of four years. Even in the poor light, I could see how red his face had gotten.
There was a burning in my chest now, at this memory, at how perfect our relationship had been, a real fairy tale that on many days felt like a movie. We often argued because the mayor could be annoying when he wanted to, but these were never deep enough arguments to leave lasting stains. And then I took something so good and set it on fire.
“I love you.” I got the words out finally, in a whisper I doubted he heard. But he did, because his eyes lit up.
“Lys.” He spoke for the first time.
Tears were running shamelessly down my cheeks at this point, “I never stopped. I tried, I drowned myself in extra ballet lessons, and skipped vacations so I could practice some more, because it hurt. It hurt so freaking much to be alone, to have to sit with my own thoughts.”
His hands fell away from me, and he crossed them behind him. My heart fell, but I did not stop speaking, could not stop.
“Worse, I discovered the painful way that everyone lied. Everyone lied, Hale. Time healed nothing. I woke up every morning with that open wound in my chest, and went to sleep with the wound, hurting me, killing me.”
He hugged me then, a crushing pressure that threatened to split me in two or fuse our bones as one. And I cried harder, feeling all the walls of self-control I had built over the years crumble. My tears were soaking into the cleanly cut shoulders of his suit.
“I don’t deserve your comfort or love, Hale. You are good, and selfless and sweet, and I am none of th...”
“Lys.”
“No, listen.” I pulled away from him, swallowing hard as my chest, my throat burned, and my tears blinded me. “It’s bad enough that I hurt you once. But it seems I am about to do so again.”
He froze, staring at me.
“I love Finn.”
The world seemed to go silent, completely still, as snow continued to flutter in the background. “I envy you as much as I do him. I resent that you now have the man my heart bleeds for. That you will go on to build a permanent relationship with the man I can never have. Because fate was so cruel to have me meet him only after promising my life to you two.”
I turned my back to him, my shoulders shaking with the force of my tears. “I know how messed up this all sounds, but I cannot want you without wanting him as well anymore.”
More time passed where my cheeks started to heat up in embarrassment. He must think of me as an insatiable whore at this point. But this was more than wanting to get in bed with three men.
My heart... my heart had begun to beat for two. And these feelings seemed to have grown bigger all these weeks when I tried to suppress them, not give voice to them or even think about it, because I was hoping to beat the ritual.
And now, now that I had opened my heart and said these words out loud, I would likely die.
I turned around then, hurrying towards the staircase when the velvet baritone stopped me. “My fairy.”
My body caved in, and I let out a choked sound, weeping. But he reached me and turned me around. “Sweet Lys.” he wiped my cheeks gently with the flat of his palm.
“If you only had even the slightest idea of the things I have done in my lifetime. You'll petition that I hang, and stop thinking so badly of yourself.”
“You are much better than me, regardless of what you have done.” I sniffed, unable to meet his gaze. My face was hot. “I'm happy for you, really. And I am especially excited for Finn. You are both so pure and sweet, and your love is the exact kind he deserves.”
I glanced towards the staircase now, he would be here any minute now. I cannot afford for him to see me like this or hear any of these words.
“Your dragon will not like that.” Hale responded finally, and my head jerked up to meet his gaze. And then I smiled for the first time.
Mordaine was right. He and I had more in common than the other two. We were perverse, incredibly selfish, and had a love for very wicked things. Fortunately, I was not as transparent about my corruptions. Where he boldly swaggered about with arrogance, I struggled to hide mine and overcompensated with sweetness.
“Do you have anything more to say, fairy?”
“What?” my head jerked back.
He grabbed my face on both sides and lowered his head to mine. I inhaled to the homey feeling of his forehead against mine, to his hands on my cheeks and his nose tenderly brushing mine.
“I have a confession to make.” He whispered, sounding out of breath. “Please listen.”