Avrora
I stare at the rustic red brick wall before me, tapping the bricks with my fingertips to that song in my head.
Run and catch, the meadow's calling you home...
I tap one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
On the eighth count I blink, then I'm running through the meadow. A bird flies high in the sky, and the sun is bright and warm on my skin, tempting me to chase it. I run toward the sun but it disappears, and blackness swallows me whole.
It's so dark, I dare not breathe. I'm too scared that I'll disappear. But I walk on the unseen path before me, terror ravaging my soul.
Darkness fills my mind like a thick fog of smoke, suffocating me with the
ominous feeling of imminent doom.
Patches of light flicker in the darkness, and I see it-the crest with the wolf and the moon engraved into it.
I try to get closer, but shadow monsters rush out of the darkness, howling and gnashing their teeth like evil souls trapped in the pits of hell.
Faceless faces push out of the darkness and a million screams wrap around me.
Blood pours from the sky. And a knife plunges into my throat, stabbing me again and again and again.
I jump out of my sleep and nearly out of my skin, screaming.
As usual, my hand is at my throat and I'm expecting blood to flow out and cover me. But there's nothing.
It takes me a moment to realize I'm out of the nightmare and still in bed. It's daytime, raining heavily outside.
When my breathing calms, I look at the unslept-in space beside me, and then I glance at the clock on the wall.
It's nearly midday and it doesn't look like Anatoli came home again last night, which means I haven't seen him now in three days.
It's Saturday and tonight is Leif's retirement party. I'm sure Anatoli will be attending. Originally we were both supposed to go, but I don't know if I should.
Not seeing Anatoli all this time, without even any instruction from him to Ehlga, has sent his message clearly that he wants nothing to do with me.
He's distancing himself.
I could go tonight, see him and talk it out, but I don't know if I could risk being hurt any more than I am.
I don't know which would be worse-getting there by myself and him not speaking to me or him sending me home like a child.
Or... he could even be there with someone else. That would crush me.
I can't believe this is me. Months ago, I sat in this same bed hoping I would get through the day without seeing him. Then I couldn't stop wanting him. Now I need him, and he's not mine anymore.
I get off the bed, take a quick shower, and put on a t-shirt and yoga pants. I look like shit, and I don't think my looks are going to get any better than they are today. They might get worse, but here's hoping they don't.
I make my way downstairs and hear Ehlga in the kitchen talking to one of the other maids.
I'm not in the mood to talk to anyone yet, so I grab my hooded jacket from the coat rack and head outside in the rain.
Knowing Ehlga, she'll try to feed me with pastries or some sort of casserole because she doesn't know what to do with me.
I presume she's spoken to Anatoli because I can't imagine him not talking to her. Every time she sees me, she has that look of pity in her eyes. It's obvious she's aware Anatoli and I aren't on the best terms. Or any terms.
For the last few days, she's tried to be there for me in whatever way she could, but today I just can't be around people.
And with that decided, I'm not even going to brave going to that party tonight. Anatoli has to come home and see me at some point.
I just wish it will be soon.
Flurries of rain cover my face, making it difficult to see, so I walk around to the garage.
A silly idea comes over me and I find myself heading inside through the side door. I don't usually come in here. Most times, I'm dropped off at the front door. It's only when I've been driving around with Anatoli that I've ever been inside.
Inside are six of his eight vehicles. The black Porsche and the Ferrari are missing. I expected the motorcycle to be gone, but it's tucked away in the corner with the helmet and one of his leather jackets hooked over the handle.
I walk over to it and run my fingers over the helmet, remembering that day mere weeks ago when he first came to pick me up from campus. He did that a few times after, then it was the wedding.
Things were actually perfect, and I was happy. I was so happy as we sailed across the Caribbean Seas as if that was our life and all we had to think about.
No one would ever have known there were still so many secrets between us.
Or that my little mistake would remind him he's supposed to hate me.
I don't even want to think of Dad now. Or Mikhail.
Both disgust me. God knows what else there is I don't know. I'm sure there's plenty, and I can just imagine what I don't know must be so much worse than the information I've been allowed to have so far.
I lift Anatoli's jacket, bring it to my nose, and inhale his scent. That masculine scent of power, possession, and safety.
God, I miss him so much. So, so much.