Avrora
I'm at Raventhorn University, sitting under the oak tree near the quad with Lorelai and our friends Willow and Eilish, who we met at the start of our freshman year.
We've just finished our classes for the day and are hanging out like we usually do until it's time to leave.
With the radiant afternoon sun beaming down on us, this could be the perfect day.
Three weeks ago, I would have done anything for this oh-so-normal opportunity, with normal conversations like the latest campus gossip Lorelai is filling us in on. But I have so much going on in my life, my head could implode.
Everything has come at me in a vicious circle-Anatoli, Dad, the crest, Mikhail, and the wedding, which is now eleven days away.
In the sea of so much chaos, I've been thinking about Anatoli more than anything. And I can't get him out of my head.
He's been gone now for twelve days. His trip ran over, and he's expected to return in a few days' time.
Instead of the break I thought I was going to get from him, every time I look at the gorgeous engagement ring on my finger I feel bad for liking, the things he said to me before he left, ravage my mind. They replay in my head like a movie stuck on repeat. Scene by scene, line by line.
Whether I like it or not, the rude awakening Anatoli hit me with about wanting him and wanting more than just one time with him was the truth.
I couldn't refute it then, and I can't now. And that's the problem.
I thought I was in love with Mikhail, but how could I claim to be in love with him if I can admit to wanting another man?
And so quickly?
If I were in love with Mikhail, I shouldn't be tempted at all. And I should hate the way I don't despise everything Anatoli makes me feel when I'm with him.
When we're together, something ignites in me and there is just me.
Me without the memories of decency and duty.
Me being me, acting on impulse, instinct and arousal the same way any other unattached woman would.
I never thought I'd end up in this crazy triangle where I'm questioning my love for Mikhail and the pirate man who stole me has sown havoc in my heart.
The trouble with that is, things are not simple when it comes to Anatoli. Succumbing to anything I feel for him, even a little bit, is dangerous. Nothing has changed when it comes to what brought us together. My father is still my father, there are still important things I don't know, and I'm still a pawn in a game.
"Hey, are you okay?" Lorelai taps my knuckles.
"Yes, I'm fine." I straighten and paste a smile on my face, praying no one can see past the mask. My friends still think I'm crushed about losing Mikhail and feel sorry for me. They've gone above and beyond to make me feel better, which I appreciate, but I don't want to always look like the needy one among our group, hogging all the attention. "Sorry, I just lost track."
"I think that's my fault. I was talking about my trip again," Willow says, looking guilty.
It's me who should feel guilty. I didn't even realize when the conversation changed. "No, please don't think that. I'm just a little tired. I love hearing about your trips."
"I'm glad. I don't want to bore you." She giggles.
"Never."
Willow is married to Caspian Ivanov, the Pakhan's son and campus god. No one would ever get tired of hearing about the trips he takes her on. She's also the heir to all things Raventhorn. Literally. Her great-great-great-times-a-hundred grandfather was Raventhorn himself. The way people talked about her when we started college was like the excitement in the wizarding world when Harry Potter went to Hogwarts.
"You sure you're okay? I know you must be on edge with Anatoli coming back," Eilish states, tilting her head. Her electric-blue bob makes her look like a character from an anime.
"Yes, I definitely am."
"Try not to worry. It's not good for you."
"Sure, I know." I wish I could try, but I think it's impossible with so much going on.
"Do you think you might be able to go out with us tomorrow?" Lorelai cuts in. "They have an open-air cinema in the park."
"I'd like that."
"Yay. It'll be fun, and we can do dinner as well." Willow clasps her hands in glee, and her entire expression brightens.
"That would be amazing." I nod, agreeing
Willow starts listing out our favorite restaurants, which leads us back to her trip with Caspian. As they fall into conversation, I get lost in my thoughts again.
It's not long after that, that Caspian and Lucian, Eilish's fiancé, come to get them, leaving me with Lorelai, who gives me a curious look the moment they're out of earshot.
"Okay, now we can really talk." She shuffles to face me.
"What? What do you mean?"
She sighs in frustration. "We need to talk about that thing we haven't spoken about yet."
I know exactly what she means. She's referring to Anatoli, although I've only called him an asshole when I'm with her. But since she's my best friend, it would be weird if she hadn't sensed something else was up with me even when I did that.
"Come on, Avrora." Lorelai pushes her ponytail over her shoulders. "I know you don't entirely despise Anatoli. If you can't talk to me, who else are you going to speak to?"
I could ask her the same thing about Zakh, but as her friend I'll always be understanding. Especially since her story is a forbidden one that could revive an old family feud.
"I'm in a really messy situation." My voice reflects my trepidation.
"I can see that. Tell me what's going on."
"I don't know where to start, or if I should even start when there are other things to worry about." Like not seeing Dad for close to a month and my nightmares still tearing me apart. I haven't spoken to Lorelai about the crest since she essentially told me to leave it alone, but it's still a big deal to me.
"None of those things are important now. Talk to me about Anatoli."
My gaze darts to the water fountain near the science building, and I stare at the stream of water flowing from it while I think of what to say. It's hard to release my thoughts in words. It makes everything real. "I've just never met anyone like him before."
"That's not always a bad thing. It could be why you like him. Aside from the fact that the man is seriously hot."
"Lorelai." I shake my head at her.
"It's true. Come on, you noticed, right?" Her brows rise.
"Yes. I did notice." I don't know who wouldn't. "It's just that I'm supposed to love Mikhail."
"Do you?"
"Yes, of course." I stare at her as if she just slapped me. I pray she's not about to echo Anatoli's words. It would feel worse if she did.
"Okay."
I search her understanding expression and decide to risk asking her outright. "Don't you think I love him?"
"Yes. Yes, I do believe that."
My shoulders relax, until apprehension fills her eyes.
"But I don't think you were in love with him."
And there it is. The answer that would devastate me, if my soul hadn't already whispered to me and told me to open my eyes if my heart was conflicted.
"You really don't think so?"
"I don't. Please don't hate me for saying that."
"Of course not."
"Good. And disclaimer; I don't think it because Mikhail isn't my favorite person. I do believe he loves you and you would have had a nice life. But loving someone and being in love with them are two different things. Because of chemistry. One has it, the other does not."
Once again, I know she's speaking from experience, but her words hit me hard.
"I don't know what to do. Everything is a disastrous mess."
She takes my hand into both of hers and smiles. "Take the mess away. Just pretend it doesn't exist and think of the man. What happens when you do that?"
"If I did that, I think I would lose myself."
Lorelai smiles and brings her hands to her heart. "Oh my God, I've never heard you talk like that before. Something's happened between you two, hasn't it?"
An angry blush crawls over my skin, instantly giving me away. "I shouldn't talk about that."
She sucks in a sharp breath. "So, something has happened?"
"Yes. And no."
Her jaw falls open. "Have you slept with him?" Her eyes hold me in place, begging me to elaborate.
"No. We... just did other stuff." Things that set my body on fire just thinking about. On the nights when I haven't had nightmares, I dream of him and all the things he's done to me.
All the bad, bad, naughty things.