Self Loath

Self Loath
Sophie's point of view

Self-loathing is less than how I'm feeling about myself. I hate everything about my life, and I wish it were better. It feels like I'm in a boat that keeps floating on the ocean without reaching its destination, and I'm stuck in it there with no way out, and it's suffocating.
Every attempt to find my way out was a waste of time because I always found myself in the same boat without reaching my destination.
I gently ran my fingers over my mother's name engraved on her tombstone.
How I wish I had seen even a glimpse of her; I'd have been satisfied with that, but I've never had the privilege to see her even once. I wonder if she was as sad as I, if she found a man who loved her with everything in his veins. Sometimes I wonder how she was as a person.
I let my tears stream down my cheeks. I couldn't stop crying since Lucas chased me out of his house like a dog a few weeks ago, and I don't know why I'm sad.
I wanted to leave his house and get rid of him. He made it easy for me, but… I wasn't happy. I felt like I'd lost something precious to me, but I couldn't name it.

Was it because he made me feel like I was special, that he'd do anything for me even if it meant taking a bullet and dying for me? Or was it because of what he told me about his past? Was this emotion pity and regret for judging him too soon, or was it something else?
"Mom, please guide me! Am I in love with Lucas, or am I feeling pity for him?"
I muttered, my voice cracking with emotion. I can't describe this emotion, and it's driving me insane, and knowing the fact that he was willing to die for me made it worse.
"How does it feel to be in love? Is what I'm feeling right now love or what I felt for Liam?"

The emotions I felt for Liam were far different from those I felt for this one. This emotion is so intense, so strong, and I'm unable to ignore it, no matter how much I want to, and it's driving me to the brink of madness.

"Sophie..."
I froze at the sound of Liam’s voice from behind me. I quickly wiped my tears and turned to see him standing behind me.

"What are you doing here?" I sprang to my feet, walking over to him. "Do you want to finish me off here?"
Right now, all I feel for Liam is disgust and hatred. I hated the hell out of him, and I swear if I don't kill him, I'd never kill anyone again in my entire life.

"I know you hate me, Sophie, but please hear me out. I'm really sorry for everything I've done to you."
Liam’s voice is laced with remorse, but I wasn't fooling enough not to realize it was all fake.
He came because he knew I had my wealth back, and he came to try his chances with me, which is definitely not going to work. "I can't carry the burden of being angry with you, Liam. I forgive you for all the bad things you've done to me. But I wonder if God is ever going to forgive you."
I tried to control my voice from cracking with emotion. He had succeeded in making me feel so less of myself; he was on the verge of destroying my self-esteem, knowing very well that he was gay, but hating him was a waste of time; he wasn't worth it.
"Sophie, I realized that I'm in love with you, and I want you to give me another chance. I really love to spend the rest of my life with you."
I scoffed at his words; this has to be some kind of joke, and I can't believe I'm hearing it from him.
"Is it? Are you really in love with me or my bank balance?"
I couldn't stop myself from mocking him. If he thought he'd play with my emotions again, then he had another thing coming.
He rushed over to me, and my eyes widened to see him going down on his knees.
"Sophie, I know I'm gay, and I have feelings for men, but my heart belongs with you, Sophie. I'm sure we can make it work. Please give me another chance."

I couldn't help but chuckle at Liam’s words; he really thought I was a fool, and he thought he'd be able to fool me once again, which isn't happening.
"Too bad I'm no longer interested. I mean, why should I settle for you when I could have any man I want out there?"
My voice was dripping with sarcasm. I want nothing to do with him, even if he becomes the last man standing on earth; I'd never choose him ever again; he does not deserve me or my love.

"Sophie, I know you love me too, okay. Don't play hard to get, and let's sort out our issues."

His voice was now dripping with impatience. He rose off the ground, dusting the dirt off his knees, throwing a glare at me.
And he wanted me to believe he was sincere about his rotten apology.
"I'm done talking to you, Liam. Leave me alone because I'm not interested in you anymore."
Clutching my handbag to my shoulder, I attempted to walk away from him, but he grabbed my hair, halting me in my steps. A sharp pain cut through my head at his tight grip.
"Liam, let go of me," I said through my gritted teeth. He was a jerk with no spine, and I hate him even more.
"You belong to me, Sophie, and there's no way I'm going to let you be with Lucas."
His voice was low, threatening, sharp, with no emotion.

"Let go of her, or else I'm going to kill you and bury you here." Liam quickly released my hair at the sound of Lucas's sharp and stern voice echoing around the quiet cemetery.