CHAPTER 44: WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE?

Fabian.

The darkness felt good to sit in. It gave me a moment to just pause and think about recent events. I couldn’t help but feel conflicted with what I wanted to feel versus what I was actually feeling. The only thing I wanted was to be with Myla. We were so close. It was right in front of me, ready to reach out and finally obtain after such a long time. I had gotten to the point where I began feeling it wouldn’t happen. She was so beautiful and pure inside. There was a light she seemed to emit that ensnared me from the absolute second I saw her. But things never seemed to line up just right for us.

And then there’s the recent events we’ve been through.

Those events seemed to leave a stain behind. A smudge on our relationship that tainted it. Tainted by George’s death. Other incidents that have happened include getting shot and finding out she had slept with another person. I could forgive that, I knew I could but for some reason my mind kept going back there. I think, with what happened with George, it was like I was trying to punish myself even though it wasn’t me that forced him to do what he did. I had given him opportunity after opportunity to change and instead, he went further down his dark roads. So why did I feel horrible over his death? Why was I letting myself focus on a choice Myla had made when we weren’t even together?

I couldn’t reconcile everything inside myself. George’s death. Myla and my feelings for her. Events and incidents and experiences. I felt like everything was merging and contorting inside me to poison all the great things happening to me.

“Get a grip on yourself,” I told myself at one point, looking around the room. It was very early in the morning and I was in my office at Roseforce. I didn’t want to be bothered by anyone but staying inside my suite felt like a prison. “It’s not like you haven’t been with a dozen or so women yourself.”

I leaned back in my chair, breathing in and out at regular intervals.

“Mr. Ness?”

My eyes had been closed as I tried some soothing breaths. They opened after I heard my name being called and I saw Adrianna looking back at me. She walked all the way into the office and came to stand right in front of my desk. Since I had been sitting in the dark, she elected not to turn on any lights but she didn’t have any trouble walking. There was some ambient light coming through the windows as dusk started to break across the horizon.

“What is it Mrs. Cole?” I asked. There was no irritation or annoyance to my tone but below the surface, I was not exactly happy to see her at the office so early. She was an amazing assistant but sometimes, she put a little too much into the job. Her husband wasn’t exactly thrilled with that, or so I imagined. It’s possible he didn’t care but if the man didn’t mind spending so much time away from the woman he married, then I couldn't help but question his level of commitment to her. But that was not my concern nor something I gave much thought to ordinarily.

“I apologize if I’ve overstepped again, but I tried you at the suite and there was no answer there. I assumed you would have come here,” she explained.

“Is there something important that requires my immediate attention,” I asked. Did my voice sound tired? I thought it did. Maybe all the overwhelming emotions I’ve been dealing with were finally taking their toll on me. As if affirming that theory, a twinge of pain erupted from the shoulder where I’d been shot.

Adrianna looked uncertain now. Nervous even. That was highly irregular. She was a woman of surety and confidence. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her look anything but that in the entire time I’ve known her.

“Are you okay?” I asked, concerned. While I had no romantic interests for her in the slightest, I respected her and even thought of her as a friend.

She didn’t answer me at first. Instead, that look seemed to intensify. Then she finally broke and practically ran toward me. She did it so fast, I barely had time to register what was happening.

Then she was hugging me.

I felt her body start to shake with her sobs and at first, I stiffened with the shock of her outburst. Then I hugged her back.

“I am so sorry,” she wailed. “I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through. I’ve tried so hard to keep my cool but with everything…th-that…”

She couldn’t finish what she wanted to say and I couldn’t blame her. I was having trouble keeping my composure too. The constant back and forth, ups and downs, lows and highs that I’ve been through was enough to make anyone crumble, no matter who you were. I think it was the fact that if I broke down, all the people that counted on me to stay strong would be the ones hurt, including Adrianna herself. I had to keep it together.

But dammit, all I wanted to do was let myself be emotional. I had a right to be. So why did I feel like I couldn’t allow that? Even with someone I trusted completely like Adrianna.

“Don’t worry,” I said, hugging her back. I even patted her back several times as if trying to reassure her that everything was indeed fine even though it was just as clearly not. “I’ll be fine. Eventually anyway.”

She broke off the hug and stepped back. There were tears standing in her eyes and wet tracks going down both cheeks. She wiped at her face and I could tell she felt embarrassed by letting herself break down in front of me. I didn’t want her to feel that way though.

“If you need someone to talk to, I’m here. I know the kind of person you are, Mr. Ness, and I don’t want to see you suffer in silence if I can help it. You were shot. You were attacked again. And then, Ge…”

She stopped herself again.

“He was a big part of your life and I know what he did was horrible and he betrayed you, but he was also your friend. I know his sui…his death…hurts. Just please, don’t hold it all inside, okay?” She looked so sincere. So honest. It was actually quite touching. “If you need to talk to someone, try the grief counselors. They know what they are doing.”

“I promise you, I will,” I said. To be fair, I did mean that at the time. My schedule, and incredibly busy life, made that extremely difficult to follow up on though.

“Thank you,” she said. “Do you need anything before I leave? Coffee? Some breakfast perhaps?”

“No, not at all. Why don’t you head back to the hotel and get some sleep? You can either take the day or come in later. Whichever you prefer,” I told her.

“I appreciate that but if you don’t mind, I’d rather be here. There’s a lot of work to catch up on,” she replied. “But I’m right outside if you need anything.”

“Thank you,” I told her with a small smile.

With that, she left me to my own devices. I decided to get up and turn on the lights in my office. If I was going to be here, I might as well lose myself to work like Adrianna planned to. She was right. With the attack from Douglas Duncan and the trauma of being shot, I’ve fallen behind on pretty much everything. I didn’t think it would be easy for me to get back into the groove of working. With so much time away and so many internal distractions, I honestly thought it would take forever for me to focus.

I was wrong about that.

As soon as I booted up my computer and started going through emails and things, I got lost in the stream of work. There were several emails flagged with the “High Importance” tag. Most of them, I noted with irritation, weren’t nearly as important as they seemed to think they were. The “High Importance” flag they sent the emails with was almost laughably overused. But I got through them. By the time I did, I was surprised to find that it was close to 9:30 in the morning. I’d been sitting there, immersed, for nearly three hours. It also meant that everyone else in the company had most likely filed in to start their various work days.

Including Myla.

Thinking of her inevitably reminded me of George and George’s journal. The fact he had manipulated Douglas Duncan into shooting me and then later trying to kill the both of us would do nothing but hurt her. I struggled. I struggled very hard. Should I tell her the truth or spare her? If she somehow found out, and realized that I already knew the truth and didn’t tell her, would she be furious with me? I didn’t relish the idea of keeping this secret from her but at the same time, it was a secret that would only hurt her. She would feel responsible and would blame herself for all of it even though none of it was her fault.

And again, it would hurt her. I don’t think I can willingly allow myself to hurt Myla. Not emotionally, mentally, and definitely not physically.

A knock on my door drew my attention away from those thoughts. I looked up as it opened and Adrianna came back inside.

“Grace Steyner would like to meet with you,” she said.

“If it is related to work, get her on a video conference with Barry. At this time, I am not in the mood to deal with her,” I said. There was a sharpness to my tone that Adrianna did not miss. I saw her eyebrow quirk in mild surprise.

I did not want to see or even speak with Grace right now. The last time we talked, she made it clear she was interested in me. Then, to add insult to injury as it were, Myla walked in on that conversation. After Grace turned vicious and cruel, Myla ran out.

And into the arms of a stranger.

I still held an enormous amount of bitterness toward Grace for that and had purposefully kept my distance from her since then. I don’t think I’ve talked to her once following that incident.

“Understood,” she responded. Then she walked back out.

Vaguely, I could hear the two women's voices but I couldn't tell what they were saying. A few seconds later though and there was nothing but silence. I tried to get back into the routine of work but quickly found that pretty much impossible. Every time I tried to focus on getting projects done, my focus shattered. In every instance, my thoughts circled back to Myla, trying to decide what to do in regard to George’s journal. And on top of that, I just wanted to be with her. Our date had been a spectacular success but with the attack, the investigation, and George’s death, we’ve had no time to ourselves since then.

I wanted to be with her again.

With that thought stuck in my mind, I got up from my desk and headed out. Myla should be in her office by now and even though the day had barely gotten started, I decided to go see her. As soon as I got outside my office, I found Grace retreating down a hall that would eventually lead to her office. I ignored that though.

“I’ll be out for a little bit,” I told Adrianna as I left. “I’ll be in the office, just elsewhere. If anything important comes in, I’ll be around. If you need to get me, ensure that it is only because of something important. I’ll trust your judgment on what that is.”

“Okay,” Adrianna replied.

With my instructions stated, I left and navigated my way through the office toward the one Myla shared with Sophia Moore. It took maybe a minute, possibly two. The door was closed so without hesitation, I knocked on it.

A few moments went by and then it opened and she was there, right in front of me. The sight of her felt incredible, like a soothing, pleasant salve to an open wound. Behind her, I could see Ms. Moore, her face twisted into something like irritation or anger. When she saw me on the other side of the door, that look slowly disappeared.

“Uh…hi,” Myla said, her cheeks reddening a little.

“Hi,” I replied with a smile. “Are you busy?”

She looked behind her at Sophia.

“Go on,” she said. “Get your freak on with the boss. I need some time.”

“Sophia!” Myla said, shocked. The redness to her cheeks got even brighter. Sophia didn’t look apologetic though. Myla turned back to me. “Uh…no. I’m not. Did you need me to work on something urgent?”

“No, nothing like that,” I told her. “I just wanted to talk.”

“Sure. Yeah,” she said.

“Right this way,” I told her. I stepped to one side and held out an arm for her to take. She glanced once behind her at Sophia who was gesturing for her to go and quickly. Myla took my arm and we left.

We walked in silence for quite a long time, most of that being through the office. Roseforce and Golden Time employees stared at the two of us. Most of them seemed transfixed by the fact that we looked “together” and openly at that. We got a mix of looks too. Some looked as if they were angry or annoyed (which included Grace at one point). Others looked like they might be happy for us. I also caught quite a few apathetic looks from people who just didn’t care one way or the other. Even questioning looks. But I say, let them look. I don’t care what they think or how they will react.

“I hope you don’t mind the attention,” I said. “With everything we’ve been through, I asked myself what is the point of holding back now?”

“No, it’s fine,” she replied. “And yes. I think you’re right.”

Once we were away from prying eyes though, she stopped me. Something was bothering her. I don’t know if it had anything to do with the argument she’d had with Ms. Moore right before I got there or something else, but there was a troubled look in her eyes.

“What’s wrong?” I asked. “Are you okay?”

She took a steadying breath before she got whatever was bothering her out.

“Where do we go from here, Fabian?”