Did it all.

Did it all.

In the days following the death of Kathy, I fall into a despair like never before.

I am numb. I am lost. I am confused.

Why did life have to take her away from me?

She was so full of life, she was happy, all she wanted to do was to live and love and she couldn't even be granted that one wish.

I wish I could have done more.

I hate this. I hate everything, this never ending cycle of death and despair that seems to be following my family around like a plague. Why did she have to go?

I remember we both wrote a list, during December last year of all the things we wanted to do, all the places we were going to go once I had the twins.

She wanted to live. Kathy had the strong will to live more than anyone else I know.
Even when life kept knocking her down, she kept finding reasons to stand up.

I don't know, I don't know how to live knowing that I've lost another person.

Not just any person, someone part of my soul. Someone I would have gladly given my life for. Kathy deserved more than anyone else to live.

In more than one way, she wasn't only my adopted sister, sometimes I felt like her mother.

Is this what she deserved? All her life she has had one tragedy after the other, the death of her mother, never knowing her father, the death of her adoptive parents, her heart condition and finally getting a new heart.

The new heart which signified a new beginning. The new heart I was willing to trade my soul for.

Kathy brought me to Ross. Because without her heart condition, I would have never said yes. I would have never had the twins and I would have never fallen in love with the most amazing man on earth.

Maybe it's my fault, I was so consumed with myself and I didn't have enough time for Kathy.

Maybe I caused this.

I've been getting a lot of visits lately. From Kathy's friends, her previous doctors and even Liv.

Liv and I had cried together, I know we both haven't had that much time for each other but we had both become friends because of Kathy.

We cried together. More than anyone else we both knew what Kathy went through, we witnessed her good days and bad days, the days when she wanted to give it all up.

We knew every inch of her and now she's gone.
Kathy brought us together. And now she isn't here anymore.

Julian came over too, he's strong but I know he's very affected. He loved Kathy, but he never did get to spend time with her all the time.


"You have to eat something." Ross's voice brings me out of my thoughts.

There's a tray in his hands, with roast with gravy, apple crumble and a strawberry milkshake.

I didn't order this. I don't want anything.

"Chef James had it personally delivered for you. You need to eat for the twins." He begs me as he bring up a forkful of roast to my lips.

I take the food, only because I don't want Alexander and Viola to suffer because of my grief. It's bland, like chewing paper.

I study Ross's face as he feeds me, he and Grandma have been in and out of the hospital for the past few days. He looks exhausted and I'm trying to get better quickly because of him but I can't. I can't help but feel bad that I'm trying everything to get better quickly for my family but the death of Kathy just weighs me down. It takes me and drags me down, it refuses to let me forget.

Frankly, I don't want to forget, I can do this all day, everyday. What is the point of living when at any point, in the blink of an eye you can be gone? Forgotten?

Ross mostly comes in the evening and stays till the next day, Grandma Marcella stay here all day.

Few days ago we all have a long discussion about what to do with Kathy. Grandma Marcella and Julian voted that she be buried next to our parents but no. That's not Kathy's style.

Kathy wouldn't have wanted to be buried. She would like to be cremated, with her ashes spread somewhere she can be free.

"How are the twins?" I ask Ross as I drink my milkshake. I haven't been seeing much of them lately, although sometimes they spend a few hours with me, they're always with Ross and Grandma Marcella.

"I checked them in the nursery earlier, they're good."

I only take them when I have to feed them. My doctor thinks I must have postpartum depression. I don't know, it's not like I particularly care if  I do.

A nurse comes in the middle of my meal.

"There's someone here to see you."

"I don't want to see anyone."

I say the second Ross asks who it is.

He is already standing to check out who the person might be.

He comes back a minute later.

"It's Carly."

"I don't want to see anyone." I repeat as I push my tray of food away.

Carly Cox is the last person I want to see, especially since her evil wicked brother miraculously survived the gunshot.

It's funny how he gets to live while Kathy dies, in what world does that make any sense?

"Elenora, I know you don't want to see her, but don't forget Kathy loved her and for the short while they were together, they had a thing together. I really do think talking to her will do you some good."

I don't reply and Ross takes this as a yes and Carly comes in a minute later.

She's different. Well, I don't even remember the last time I saw her.

Her hair is now a dull pink, as if she has been forgetting to redye it and the roots are black. Interesting, I've always thought she was blonde like her mother.

She's wearing a large baggy grey shirt and bright pink shorts.

No makeup and in her hand there's a large bag. I wonder what's in it.

We both stare at each other for a long time, the longer I look at her, the more I realise she looks nothing like her mother. And she must have lost so much. Both her mother and brother are both in court with several charges against them, same as Ross's father.

She's going to be all alone very soon, with no one.
She must hate us. I guess you can say that in a way we took her family from her.

"I brought some things Kathy would have wanted you to have."

She sets the bag down slowly on the side of my bed and brings out a large folded paper.

She slowly unfolds the large paper and it turns out to be a drawing... Of me?

In all my years of knowing Kathy, she has never once dedicated her time to  spend her skills drawing any member of her family, she always claimed it wasn't as good as drawing other things or people because of the familiarity.

I have never bothered either, she was so good as an artist that I didn't care. I just cared about the fact that she was happy while drawing.

In the picture I'm holding my belly and smiling with my hair spilling over my face, it's incomplete, but the gesture touches my heart. I would definitely have it framed.

"How did you get this?" I ask as she also brings out an old gaming console that I have lost for years.

"She said you won't remember about it but you gave it to her first night in the hospital years ago. You didn't want her to be bored without you since you had to work late."

Tears blurred my vision as I remember giving her the gaming console, It had all her favourite games and Kathy had painted it with the colours of the blue sky and pink flowers.

"And lastly, when I was here last week, Grandma mentioned that Kathy might be buried. I know for a fact that she'd like to be cremated."

I glance at Ross and Grandma quickly, at a loss for words. They both look confused.

"Did she tell you anything?"

I ask quietly.

"Yes, she did."

"Let me get this straight, Kathy spoke to you about wanting to get cremated? Before or after she was hospitalised?" Ross asks as we all look at Carly for answers.

"Before. A few days after the baby shower. She said if she died she'd like to be cremated, with her ashes spread at sea, she didn't like the idea of rotting away in some grave. She said she'd like to swim with the waves and to always be remembered as someone who lived her best and did it all."

Tears blur my vision while Carly wipes away the tears from her cheeks.

"Kathy was the most beautiful person I've ever met. Inside out. She was just.... perfect. She talked about you a lot, how happy she was that you were finally living your life and being happy. Kathy was grateful for the life she had."

"It wasn't her time. She shouldn't have gone that way, she deserved so much more."

"Kathy owned every second that this world could give..."

Carly says and my brain tries to remember where I've heard the phrase.

"It's from one of her favourite songs. I Lived by One Republic. I always liked rock and metal but Kathy was always a sucker for cheesy songs."

We all laugh knowing that's true, Kathy did love cheesy pop songs too. It was her thing.

I hold Carly's hands. They're cold to the touch, like ice but I don't flinch.

"Thank you, thank you for making her happy. I know she was happy with you."

"I was too. And it hurt that she's gone now but the Kathy I know would want us all to move on. You especially. You have so much to live for."

How do I move on? I want to ask but I keep my mouth shut.

There's no moving on from this, from this loss, that's so profound it has shaken me down to my core.

How do I move on from this?

"Carly, always remember you have a family here. I know you might be feeling particularly alone but we're technically still your family and you can always count on us."

Carly shrugs.

"No, thank you. I'll be too much of a burden."

"No, you won't...."

"I'll be fine Elenora, I was going to go backpacking across Europe with Kathy. It was one of the list of things we wanted to do before we turned twenty five."

She has a faraway look in her eyes, it's sad and disheartening at the same time that we all made plans with Kathy, plans we didn't go through with.

"Thanks to Ross, I'm going to go for Kathy and I."

We all look at Ross who smiles shyly and shrugs.

"When will you be back?"

Carly shrugs again.

"A year."

A whole year.... Wow.

Carly and I talk for a while, weirdly, she doesn't seem bothered that half her family might be going to jail, she just wants to leave for Europe as soon as possible.

It doesn't come off as too much of a surprise though, Carly has always seemed like she was detached from her family.

I look down at the drawing she gives me and show it to Ross while Grandma takes Carly to see the twins.

"What do you think?"

"I think we should have it framed and put in the nursery, alongside some of her works, that way she can live on through her art."

"That's a lovely idea." I say as I look up at his tired face.

He needs to shave, he needs an haircut and most importantly, he needs his wife back.

"Ross?" I ask as I look up at him with growing love filling my heart.

I caress the side of his face and he looks at me with those intense blue eyes that I've come to love and cherish.

"I love you."

I whisper to him as my lips meet his.