Chapter 79 MY PAIN
POV: PATRICK
We passed through the creaking gates, and I parked the car at the highest point I could, near the hill. We got out of the car, and Lis looked around nervously. When she glanced at me in shock, I knew the moment had come.
“What are we doing at the cemetery?” she asked, bewildered.
“I said I would show you my wounds and my greatest pain,” I replied, lowering my head and feeling my chest tighten as her warm hands touched mine.
“You don't have to do this if you're not ready.” Elisabeth looked at me with empathy. I smiled slightly, more certain about my choices.
“I want to.” I intertwined our hands and guided her to the top tombstone, where I stopped, feeling my stomach churn. My heart ached intensely.
“Patrick?” Lis was attentive.
“Lis. Meet Gabriel Forbs Morgan, my son,” I said through tears, dropping to my knees in front of the tombstone and caressing the photo of my little boy.
I felt tears drop onto my shoulders and looked at Elisabeth, who was crying, kneeling beside me and holding my hand firmly.
“I'm so sorry,” she finally said between sobs.
I wiped my eyes, still gazing at the photo. Gabriel was small, blond like his mother, with intense blue eyes like mine, and his hair was subtly curled at the ends.
“I am too.” I bit my lip, trying to compose myself. “I lost the love of my life at just two years old. He was everything. Every time I came home, he would come running into my arms. He was Daddy's boy through and through. We played horses, cars, even Spider-Man.”
“He sounded like an adorable child,” she said, looking at me with understanding.
“He really was.” I let a tear slide, overflowing with the pain of his loss. “I never thought I'd be a father, you know? But Heloise managed to get pregnant, despite all the precautions I took. One day, we drank too much and had unprotected sex; at least that's what she told me. A month later, I enlisted in the army. I needed to somehow feel alive. I had already lost everyone in my family and felt suffocated.”
“And Heloise?” Lis asked curiously, still holding my hands.
“She was a college girlfriend, but I never truly loved her. It was convenient. She had a name, was pretty, and, commercially speaking, it was advantageous to be seen with her.” I sighed, knowing how much I had failed Heloise. “Forbs and I practically grew up together. I saw him build his empire. His sister always had a crush on me, so it was convenient for us to be together. But after my grandfather passed away, I couldn't bear it anymore, so I enlisted.”
“How did she react?” Elisabeth sat in front of the gravestone, pulling me to her side. I rested my head on her shoulder.
“Not very well. She said she was pregnant and wanted to tell me when she was three months along, but she couldn’t let me leave.” I plucked at some nearby grass, shredding it, lost in my pain. “Anyway, I don't need to tell you that I didn't handle the news very well. Still, I went off to war, returning a few months after her delivery. That’s when I saw Gabriel for the first time and realized how foolish I had been.”
Lis stayed silent, stroking my hair and listening attentively.
“I found out that Heloise had postpartum depression and wasn’t breastfeeding Gabriel at all, so she started him on formula very early. I tried to make up for being away and not supporting her.” My eyes burned as tears welled up. “I asked her to marry me, trying to make amends, really wanting to build a family with her, but she drowned in antidepressants and refused to bear our son, blaming him for her condition. Many times, she screamed about how much she hated him.”
“My God.” Lis said, shocked.
“Yes, at first I thought her depression was severe, but then Heloise started to reveal the truth.” I grabbed a handful of soil, letting it slip through my fingers.
“What do you mean?” She looked at me, confused.
“There was never a diagnosis of depression. The 'psychiatrist' she was seeing was fake, an actor she had worked with before. Heloise only got pregnant to keep me by her side, but she regretted it when she saw how much I loved our son and not her.” I clenched my fists. “We often fought about this. She said I paid too much attention to the 'brat' and could leave him with the nannies, that I needed to take care of her, that she had gotten sick because of me.”
“Making you feel guilty.” Elisabeth stared at me.
“In a way, with reason. I took her medications and asked the lab to test them. They weren’t antidepressants; they were actually ecstasy. Heloise was addicted, and with her mental issues, everything worsened.” I rubbed my temples. “One day, I went to work. I was starting the publishing house; it was my gift to Gabriel, who loved books so much even as a little boy. It was the legacy I wanted to leave for him. The company’s name comes from the story Biel loved, the one I used to read to him.”
“Biel.” Lis smiled, looking at the picture of my little boy. “Adorable nickname.”
“I was on my way to the company when I realized I had forgotten my phone. I returned home with a sense of foreboding in my chest and an inexplicable urgency. I entered the mansion; it was too quiet. Gabriel didn’t come running as he usually did. I saw the nanny sitting at the bottom of the stairs, crying and pale. The only thing I could ask was where he was.” I swallowed the lump in my throat. “She pointed towards the pool area. I ran there in a panic, seeing Heloise pass out with bottles of alcohol and pills beside her. In the pool, my angel's little body was floating.”
“My God, Patrick...” Elisabeth looked at me again, covering her mouth.
“I pulled him out of the water and tried to resuscitate him over and over, while hearing Heloise's wretched voice saying it was an accident, with a huge smug smile on her face.” I punched the ground in anger. “I took Gabriel in my arms and laid him on my bed, covering his cold body. He was so cold, so helpless, so alone.”
I sobbed, crying and trembling, remembering his condition. With a shattered heart, the pain was unbearable.
“I should have protected him from her; I should have separated and stayed with him. I was a complete fool.” I screamed in despair. “I'm the one responsible for his death.”
“No.” Lis held my face in her hands and hugged me tightly. I needed her support. “You are not to blame. You tried to make things work.”
“But they didn’t.” My body shook violently with spasms. “I stayed there with him for hours, holding him, trying to warn him, and telling him I was there and that I was so sorry. Lis, it hurts so much not having him here!”
I laid my head on her lap as she stroked my hair.
“I know, I know.” Lis said it with a choked voice. “I'm so sorry.”