Chapter 25(The Mating)
Kaelenya's pov
It's been days since Alpha Noah’s party. Days since I last saw Roman, and since my world turned even colder than before.
Staying all day in my room without the freedom to step out side, can be suffocating most times. After the miscarriage, Roman revoked every small privilege he had once allowed me. The garden walks, the library visits, even the quiet dinners where I could sit at the far end of the table...gone. I am back to my prison. Four walls. One small window, and the silence sits inside the room like a big heavy fog, making me even more depressed.
At first, the silence hurt so much, that I couldn't stand it. I will just lay on the bed at night and stare up at the ceiling, listening to my own heart beat so loud in the dark. Some nights I cried until the pillow was all wet and cold, and my chest will hurt so bad because of the weight of my sorry.
People say just give it time, it gets easy, but it never does. Losing a baby in a normal environment is a hurt that cuts very deep, but losing one here, in this house where strong is good and weak is bad, it feels like someone pressing hard inside my ribs and not letting go.
Every day it gets a tiny bit easier, but the pain is still here. It will always stay somewhere inside, no matter the time that passes. It's been one month since I lost my child. The good part is that now I can sleep a little. No more tears that burn my eyes every night. I can take a breath without my chest feeling like it wants to burst open. Maybe this is what healing means in a place like this. Not happiness, not brightness, just a soft dull feeling that the worst thing already came and went.
I sat on the edge of the bed, staring blankly at my reflection, when the door made a small creak sound. Janet slipped inside quickly, her face all red like she had run fast through the hall. She closed the door slow and careful. Her eyes stared at me in a way that made me feel uncomfortable.
“What is it?” I asked. My voice sounded rough, like it hadn’t been used in days.
She hesitated. “I heard something in the kitchen… from the other maids.” She stuttered. “They say the next mating night is happening tomorrow.”
For a moment I just stared at her, the words refusing to make sense. Tomorrow….Mating night. My chest tightened until it hurt.
I wasn't ready for that, I just lost a child for goodness sake... what the hell is wrong with these people.
“I… I don’t know if I’m ready,” I finally whispered. My hands curled into a fists against the blanket. “Janet, I can’t...Not yet.”
Janet stepped closer, lowering her voice. “I know. But you have to be ready. You know what it means if you aren’t. The Alpha expects it. If you want to give him an heir, you have to be prepared.”
Her words cut deep even though she meant them kindly. An heir. That is all I am to them. A vessel. A body with a purpose. My feelings, my fear, my loss...none of it matters.
I took a deep breath and paced the room, my fingers running through my hair.
“It’s not even up to two months I lost a baby, Janet,” I said, my voice trembling. “How can they expect me to just… start again? Like it’s nothing? Like it didn’t happen?”
Janet’s eyes softened, "You know you really don't have a choice,” she said quietly. “This is your duty. Your prayer should be that everything works out .”
I turned away from her, staring at the dark floor. She was right. In this world, duty comes first. My grief is mine alone. Roman will not care if I am ready or not. He will only care that the ritual keeps going. That the pack’s future stays safe, and my one year is running out.
Janet moved closer to me . Her fingers pulled at her sleeve. “I’m sorry,” she said at last, her voice small and shaky. “I just thought you should know, so that you will be prepared mentally.”
“Thank you,” I replied, but the words felt heavy and bitter on my tongue.
When she left, the room felt smaller, like the walls wanted to push in close around me. I sat very still, with my hands balanced on my knees. My thoughts went round and round like a wild storm that would not stop. The thought of spending a meaningless night with Roman made my skin crawl, and what if I don't get pregnant, that will even be worse.
Night came heavy, and filled with worries, with the hours crawling really slow. I tried to sleep but the bed felt too wide, and too cold. The air sat heavy on my chest. Memories came crawling back. The sharp pain….The sudden warm blood…Janet’s face when she told me I lost the baby. I pressed my hands to my stomach and held it tight. I bit my lower lips, trying to stop the tears about to drop. I whispered to myself to be strong, but inside I was empty and tired.
The next day was only a blur. I remember waking to birds outside the small window. Their song should be pretty, but it only made me feel trapped. Breakfast came, and I forced myself to eat, but there was no taste, just dry bread and water in my mouth. Janet came with clean sheets and tried to comfort me, to bring me out of my misery, but her words floated past me. My head stayed stuck on the dark night coming.
My heart jumped each time I heard a sound in the hall. Every step felt like a warning. Each creak said the hours were running out. I wanted to run, to hide where Roman would never see me. But there is no place to run in this house. Every door has a guard, and every path has eyes that watch.
By evening, my body felt numb. I kept reminding myself that all I had to do was just lie down facing up, and not make a sound, and in minutes it will be over.
At nine o’clock sharp, the head maid entered. We have both formed a close relationship, like mother and child. She smiled a little at me while she carried a basin of warm water and a small pile of soft towels. She didn't say a word, she just began to get things ready.
She washed me very gentle, like I was a breakable thing. The water felt warm on my skin, but I still shivered and shook. I kept my eyes on the floor. I did not want to look at her face, I didn't want her to see the pain and emptiness in my eyes, even though I knew she already did.
When she was done, she put a thin white nightgown on me. The cloth felt light, almost like I had nothing on. She took a comb and pulled it slow through my hair, she kept going until my hair lay flat and smooth on my shoulders.
She handed me a cup of tonic as usual, and smiled as I gulped it down my throat. “Everything will be fine, I'm sure the goddess has a reason for everything.” She said, cupping my face in her hands.
Tears dropped down my eyes, “Why don't I see the reason. I don't even think the goddess likes me.”
Her lips curved into a smile. “Great people always have the hardest life, but at the end, they end up well. Be strong.” She smiled and walked away, leaving me to my troubled heart.