***Caspian's POV***
The air was heavy with her scent.
Salt and jasmine. A smell that clung to the sheets, my skin, the air. But even that could not cover the copper scent of blood. No matter how I tried to inhale, the metallic taste lingered on like a specter.
Like a reminder.
I had not moved from my post for hours.
Lily slept on me, her body curled into mine, her head nestled on my chest. She inhaled and exhaled, the up and down movement of her ribs so delicate like a broken doll, as if she wasn't certain if her body could manage it.
I couldn't fault her.
I couldn't trust it either.
My arm was on her, fingers wide across her back, feeling every small movement of her body, every twitch of her breathing. I was holding her — didn't move — because if I let her go, I didn't know if she'd stay real.
Her skin was too cold.
Her heart too fragile.
And the blood…
God, the blood.
It had penetrated her clothes, stained the marble floor, tainted my hands like a stain that could not be washed away. I'd tried. I'd scrubbed my hands raw until they burned, but the feeling of her slipping away from me lingered like a second skin.
I did not deserve to be clean.
Not when it was my fault that she had bled.
Lily shifted in her sleep, her hand twitching on my chest, and I froze. Hardened muscles, scorched lungs, I lay perfectly still, so as not to wake her.
She needed sleep.
I needed her alive.
Her head was tipped at an angle, black lashes against white skin, pursed lips for a thin, vulnerable breath — and the image of it broke me.
I felt my chest crumple, the weight of it too much, because I didn't understand. How she was still alive. How she was still breathing, still warm, still mine.
I should have lost her.
I almost did.
The agony of it was savage, tearing up my throat until it choked me from the inside out.
I almost lost her.
I almost lost her.
I wanted to scream.
Hoped to tear the entire villa asunder with my own fists.
But didn't.
Stayed.
Stayed completely, perfectly silent and holding on to her as though my body only was the energy keeping her attached to this reality.
The illumination altered as the dawn filtered through into the room, bathing everything in pale gold. It penetrated into the bruising that bloomed on her skin, into the shadows on either side of her eyes.
Evidence of my defeat.
My heart pounded against the side of her face, racing, pounding too loudly, too fiercely, and I didn't even care.
I'd die on the sidewalk if she never had to again.
Lily shifted again, her limbs uncoiling, and then opened her eyes one final time, her eyes burning with fatigue.
And seeing the ruin on my face, she didn't flinch.
She softened.
Her hand inched up slowly, her fingers touching my jaw like she was afraid I would shatter under the pressure.
"Caspian," she breathed, her voice crumbling like glass. "You're shaking."
I hadn't realized I was.
I curled my fingers around her wrist, pressing her hand to my face as if it were the only thing holding me back. "You need to be in bed."
Her brows knit, her voice cracking. "So do you."
I shook my head, the pain in my chest growing unbearable. "I don't need sleep."
"I wasn't talking about sleep," she said, her voice cracking. "I was talking about peace."
I came close to being overwhelmed by the weight of it.
Because there was no peace.
Not for me.
Not after nearly having seen her die.
"Caspian," she attempted again, her hand entwining through my hair, pulling me down until my forehead rested against hers. "Please speak to me."
I attempted.
I had opened my mouth, but the words remained, brutal and harsh, in my throat.
Because I could not tell her.
Could not tell the truth — that I was a monster for desiring her.
That I was a curse.
"I almost lost you," I snarled instead, the admission ripping out of me like something wild.
Tears brimmed her eyes, her lips shaking. "But you didn't."
I wished to believe that counted.
I sat bolt upright, shoving her aside gently as I struggled my hands through my hair, fingers burrowing into my scalp as if I could drag shame out.
"This isn't going to work," I panted, words fighting their way past my mouth. "I can't keep you safe, Lily."
"You did," she objected, sitting up despite pain flashing across her face.
I looked at her, my own ribcage expanding and contracting with each breath. "Not enough."
The words were broken.
As if I was broken.
Because I was.
I was broken to the bone, and she still attempted to fix me but didn't realize she was opening herself up too.
"You think this is your fault," she whispered, her voice shaking. "But it's not.".
"It is," I exploded, at last let rage seething to spill over. "I bore you, Lily. I believed I could have you and keep you and hold you safe simultaneously, but it was a fantasy. And you are bleeding for me."
Her own breathing swept her uncried tears along behind her as her eyes shone with them.
I put my hands to my face, clinging by a thread. "I don't care what they do to me. I never have. But you — I can't lose you. I won't."
She did not think.
She did.
She crawled into my lap, sitting astraddle of my waist, her hands cradling my face as she stared at me with a kind of hopeless abandon that took the breath out of my body.
"Stop," she panted, her shaking hands on my skin. "Stop hurting yourself for loving me."
My chest dropped.
For loving her had never been the wrong thing to do.
The wrong thing to do had been holding onto her.
"You think running from me will set you free?" she snarled, her words biting at me. "That I'd just forget? That I could just pretend I didn't need you?"
"Lily," I snarled, holding myself just in leash.
"I'm not afraid of your darkness," she said to me, her voice shaking. "I'm afraid of a life without you in it."
I shattered.
Into a million pieces.
My hands flew up, around her waist, and I pulled her hard against me as if I were attempting to merge us into one being.
As if it would protect her.
"I couldn't live without you," I confessed, my voice destroyed beyond recognition. "I don't know how."
Her lips mapped over mine, her breathing tremulous and unsteady.
"You won't have to," she whispered.
I kissed her like she was the only reason I existed.
Because she was.
Because if I had her, I'd burn the entire world to ashes to keep her from it.
Even if it killed me entirely.