Stella Veros
"I love your smell" I said as I smelled his t-shirt that I'm currently wearing right now.
"You can keep that.. that's my favorite t-shirt actually" He said and I smiled widely.
"Really? I can keep it?"
"Yeah." He nodded and I got on the bed. I sat beside him and he put his arm around my shoulder while he's still reading some news.
"Thankyou for today.. it was fun" I said as I kissed his cheek. He turned to me and smiled.
"Welcome.. Tomorrow my family is throwing a BBQ party, can you come right?"
"Of course, I can."
"Good." He said and suddenly he looked down to my scars. He sighed and got up from the bed. He walked out from the room but came in again with the medic box. He sat beside me and pulled out my arms. He took care of it again and he checked my cheeks.
"I seriously need to take care of you." He said and I smiled
"What a good future-husband to be.." I said
"Stop hurting yourself too" He pointed at my fingers.
"At least I need to learn how to cook, I need to feed my husband right?" I asked and he looked up to me
"I can cook for you"
"Nah.. I need to learn how to cook" I said and he's done. He put the medic box aside and looked at me.
"I want to show you something" He said and I raised my eyebrows. He pulled me out from the bed and walked out from his room. He held my hand and walked up to the 2nd floor.
I never went up to the 2nd floor because it will be rude to go up by myself without the owner's permission. We walked out to the balcony and there's a big bean bag outside.
He laid down first.. and gestured to me to sit down beside him.
"Come here" He pulled me into his arms and laid down beside him. We both looked up to the sky and I rested my head to his arm.
"Axel.." I called
"Hmm?"
"Thank you.. for everything" I said and turned to him
"Stop saying thank you" He said
"What you did for me.. now.. pretending.. is a big deal. It's marriage, Axel. Not a boyfriend girlfriend relationship anymore" I said
"Have you sent your admission?" He asked
"Yeah, the announcement will be in 2 weeks" I said
"Okay good" He said and I kissed his cheek
"How can a guy like you even exist?" I caressed his cheek and he looked at me
"I'm lucky to have you" I smiled and hugged him. I closed my eyes and inhaled his scent. I love his manly scent.
"Don't sleep here, you'll get sick tomorrow" He said
"Carry me inside later on" I said
"Stella.."
"Please.. just let's stay like this for a while" I buried my face to his chest. He hugged me back and caressed my back.
Gosh Axel, how can even a guy like you exist? I feel guilty by marrying you like this. No base of love. He's only helping me in this. This is not a mutual agreement. This is a one side agreement.
I can't marry you like this. It's not fair for him. This is all not fair. I feel that I'm using him. After my medical school is done.. we both don't have any reason to stay.
I can't live like this. He needs freedom too.. to fall in love again.. to be with the girl that he loves.. not stuck with me. I really can't marry him like this.
The more nice he is.. the more I can't do it. He's too kind, too nice and just.. he's perfect. I don't want to ruin his future by him marrying me. He will meet his soulmate later on but if I'm marrying him now.. I'm the one who blocks the way between him and his future partner. I just can't be selfish like this.
He might not think that but I do.
I know the consequences so well. If I leave him, there's no going back to him again. How am I going to face this? I know my place right now.. I like him.
I'm starting to get attached to him. I'm starting to want him for myself. I'm starting to want him to be with me. I started to be selfish.. but I can't continue like this. I will live feeling guilty.
"Let's go inside, your hands completely frozen" He said and he got up. He pulled me up and held my hand. We walked inside and went down to the 1st floor.
We walked back to his room and got into the bed. He wrapped me and himself with his blanket. He hugged me and I closed my eyes.
"Goodnight" I said
"Night," He said.
I waited for him to sleep. After hearing his soft snore, I slowly slipped away from him. I sat up and looked at him. My heart broke. I can't do this.. I'm so selfish if I kept insisting to marry him.
I got off the bed and walked out from the room. I sat down on the sofa and looked blankly at the wall.
What should I do now? I don't know.
Do I really want to end this? Or I want to be selfish and keep going with this marriage? I ran my hands through my hair and felt tears coming out from my eyes.
"What should I do?" I asked myself
If I continue this, he will be on my hands until I graduate. He will be with me.. He will stick with me.. but he won't be happy.
If I let him go, he'll have his freedom to find his love, to start over with Trissa maybe, just to do whatever he wants without me blocking the way.. but I won't be able to have a relationship again with him.
For him.. once it's done.. it's done forever..
I held his t-shirt and inhaled his scent. Tears kept falling from my eyes and I cried in silence. I'm completely confused..