Chapter 181 Autumn’s POV

Chapter 181 Autumn’s POV
I want to marry you, Autumn.

His words echoed through my chest, vibrating like a church bell. The proposal was everything that would have calmed my heart down, something that I had been longing for that made my soul ache but as I looked down at him staring into my eyes, his large arms still framing my face, a strange feeling clouded like a storm in my mind.

The panic consumed me slowly, a suffocating guilt that I tried to push away for a while , then slowly a sob slipped out from my lips. For the first time in my life, I didn't react out of fear. "Jared," I whispered softly, my hands slowly riding to gently cover his knuckles.

He searched my eyes, his breath hitched slightly as he felt the shift in my energy. The terror was gone from my face, replaced by a quiet, heartbreaking calmness. "Autumn... please," he murmured, his voice thick with emotion, pressing his forehead against mine, "please don't build another wall, I know you feel what I feel, don't say that you don't love me."

"I do love you," I confessed, the truth slipped out effortlessly, finally stripped of all my usual defenses. A single tear escaped my eye, trailing down my cheek to brush against his thumb. "I love you so much, Jared that it frightens me how deeply you're buried under my skin but that is precisely why I can't immediately say yes."

Jared's body went completely stiff, he pulled back just an inch, his dark brows pulling together in a sharp frown, "what are you saying?" 

I took a deep breath looking past him for a second to see Dr. Margaret's silent, encouraging nod from behind her desk. I turned my full attention back to the man sitting at my feet, "what I'm trying to say is that, I haven't fully recovered," I said gently, my voice surprisingly steady.

"The real reason I went to the countryside to breathe was actually because of you, I didn't want to fully depend on you anymore, I'm a woman that keeps misunderstanding and keeps trying to destroy herself out of guilt. At last, I am a woman who believes, deep down in her bones, she is a curse to everyone she's close to."

"You're not a curse—"

"No, let me finish," I interrupted softly, pressing my thumb against his lower lip to calm his protest, "you came into my life without my permission and it's not like I regret it, I don't. The thing is if I accept your proposal today, jumping straight into marriage with you right now, I won't be joining you as a whole person."

Jared swallowed hard, his jaw tightening as he listened, his soft dark eyes burning with a painful mixture of pity, happiness and slight agony. "I will be leaning on you to fix me," I continued, feeling the heavy truth of my words settle over my heart.

"I will spend every single day terrified that the storm inside me will bleed into your life. I will look at your family and your peace and I will constantly wonder when I'm going to break it all, I can't build a marriage, a foundation of my own trauma, Jared. It wouldn't be fair to you and it would destroy me."

"So what do you want?" Jared rasped, his voice cracking slightly as his grip on my face tightened as if he was terrified I would vanish if he let go, "you want me to walk away? Or pretend that our feelings aren't real?"

"No," I replied firmly, a small sad yet hopeful smile touching my lips, "I don't want to walk away but instead a bargain."

He blinked, caught off guard by the strength in my tone, "a bargain? What are you talking about?"

"I want you to give me time, a year, Jared," I clarified, leaning down to press a soft kiss to his forehead before pulling back to meet his gaze directly. The silence in the room stretched long, even the faint hum of the outside traffic seemed to fade away.

"A year?" He repeated slowly, as if it would change mind to just say the word he's been dying to hear.

I nodded slowly, "during this year, I'm going to stay right here in London. I am going to devote myself heavily to therapy with Dr. Margaret by facing every dark, ugly piece of my past. I need to learn how to stand on my two feet without needing you to justify my feelings. I need to become a woman who can look at you and know without a shadow of doubt that deserves to be loved by you."

"Then what about us during this year?" He asked quietly, his voice dangerously low while his eyes glistened with unsheared tears showing his vulnerable side that I had never seen.

"We give each other space," I said, my heart breaking even as I stood firm in my decision, "if at the end of the year and you still look at me the way you are looking at me right now... if you still love me and want me to be your wife..."

I took his trembling hand, placing it over my beating heart, "...then I will marry you, Jared. Without even looking back."

Jared closed his eyes, taking a ragged breath that rattled deep in his chest, for a while he stayed silent then he finally opened his eyes, the anger and pity finally subsiding into something calm then he pulled me into a soft calm hug then placed a kiss on my lips, "one year... not a day over."

I nodded my head, still wrapped in the tight warm hug, "the countdown begins now and I will wait for you, counting down every single second but make no mistake, when the year is up, I'm coming back for you."

Then he pulled out, looked at Dr. Margaret then he finally left, I turned back to Dr. Margaret, "I'm ready to let loose."