Chapter 177 Autumn’s POV

Chapter 177 Autumn’s POV
London greeted me with its gray skies and a cold drizzle. The familiar roar of double-decker buses and taxis felt like a physical assault after the peaceful serenity of the countryside but my mind barely registered any of it. My body was moving on pure panic, I had no wink of sleep and had barely eaten.

The single cup of bitter coffee sat in my stomach feeling like a heavy metal and my head throbbed with a dull ache. I took a cab heading straight to the clinic, by the time a black cab pulled outside the brick building in Marylebone, I was practically hyperventilating.

I didn't bother making an appointment with my therapist because I low-key knew her schedule. I shoved past the quiet, startled receptionist, my mud-stained shoes leaving wet prints across the floor pushing open the door to Dr. Margaret's office.

"Autumn?" She looked up from her desk, her reading glasses slipping down the bridge of her nose. "Doc... I tried to stop her but she just wouldn't listen to me," the receptionist said trying to catch her breath but Dr. Margaret waved her hand for her to leave.

I usually felt safe in her office but today, it felt like a pressure cooker. The moment the door clicked shut behind me, the last thread holding my sanity finally snapped.

A harsh sob ripped from my throat, so loud it shocked even me. My knees buckled and I stumbled forward, clutching the edge of the armchair just to prevent me from collapsing onto the floor. "Woah, Autumn... take a breath," she said, her calm voice instantly shifting into a heavy concern.

She quickly stood up, rounding her desk rushing to me, "what happened? Talk to me. Are you okay?" I looked at her as the words were on the tip of my tongue but none seemed to find their way out.

"I'm a monster, Doc," I choked out, my voice cracking buried under a wave of heavy tears. I slid down onto the cushion, pulling my knees tight against my chest, wrapping arms around myself as if I could physically hold myself from shattering completely. "I ruined everything... Every single thing I touch, gets broken. I literally cause pain to everyone who comes near me!"

"Autumn, I want you to sit back and breathe with me," she instructed firmly, kneeling in front of me. She placed her warm hand into my trembling knee, "take your breath for four seconds, hold, now release softly. You almost had a panic attack."

I sobbed, gasping for air that refused to fill my lungs, "I can't breathe!" It felt like my words were choking me as hot tears streamed continuously down my cheeks, "the getaway trip to the countryside as you recommended failed woefully. I didn't want to be entangled with him anymore but it seems fate keeps playing games with me, the very chance for me to finally breathe..."

I choked on my words, covering my mouth with my hands, "...I stepped right into another woman's life and burned it terribly to the ground!" Dr. Margaret picked up a glass of water from the side table and pressed it into my shaking hands.

"Who is this other woman, Autumn? What exactly happened in the countryside?" Her soft voice tried to bring a calm to my racing heart but it failed.

"Jared happened," I whispered, the name tasting bitter like ash in my tongue, "the cabin I had booked was like hay under the heavy storm. I was stranded and like always, he was there to save me, I was terrified and freezing. He took me back to his family's mansion that wasn't too far and his mother was so kind to me... gosh I feel so terrible."

I drove my face straight into my palm, muttering curses under my breath, Dr. Margaret patted my back softly whispering calm words to me, "it's alright, go on..." I took in a heavy deep breath, slowly cleaning off the tears from my eyes, "They gave me a warm room, she looked at me with so much grace... and I repaid her by sleeping with her son."

"Is Dr. Jared married?" She asked gently, her eyes searching mine with neutrality, almost like she too had no idea who Jared was, "did he tell you he was with someone else?"

"He didn't have to say it!" I cried out, my voice slightly raised in a pitch of bitterness, "there's a woman... a blonde woman... I've seen her around him a couple of times and I... I feel like there's something going on between them. Regardless, she perfectly aligns with him and what am I? I'm a broken, traumatized wreck who stumbles from one disaster to another."

"Autumn, listen to me," Dr. Margaret said, her voice cutting sharply through my panic, "you're taking the weight of the entire world onto your shoulders again. Did Jared force himself on you?"

"No!" I shook my head, spilling tears over my trembling knuckles, "no, I mean... he was gentle, passionate, looked at me like I was the only thing that mattered to him."

"And did he ever for once mention this other woman you keep talking about?"

"No, but—"

"Then why do you keep convincing yourself that you're a villain?" She stepped back, sitting down across from me, her expression serious. "I know I told you that you needed space to grow but I noticed that whenever you feel genuine connection or experience intimacy or warmth, your immediate mechanism is to cast yourself as the villian."

Before I could even reply, the door of the therapy office flew open with a strong force, almost slamming against the plaster wall with a small crack. Jared was standing in the doorway breathing heavily as I gasped, my heart slammed against my ribs.

He turned to face me with a mix of emotions in his eyes, "Now… Autumn, I need you to explain what the hell you wrote in this note…”