Chapter 98 Ryan's Identity Crisis
RYAN'S POV
I threw myself into research with the kind of desperation that bordered on obsession. Human fathers and twin pregnancies and how to prepare for babies when you had no idea what you were doing. I made lists obsessively on every scrap of paper I could find. Nursery plans with measurements and color schemes. Financial budgets broken down to the smallest expense. Safety considerations for every possible scenario I could imagine. It was the only way I knew to feel useful when everything else made me feel completely inadequate.
But everywhere I looked I saw my failures staring back at me. The nursery would need to be reinforced against supernatural threats and I could not do that anymore without my strength. The babies would need protection from enemies I could not sense coming and I could not provide it. Lisa would need support during this high risk pregnancy and I was barely keeping myself together most days. The weight of my uselessness crushed me a little more with each passing hour.
My therapist Dr. Harper noticed during our weekly session and she leaned forward in her chair with concern in her eyes. "You are spiraling. Talk to me about what is happening in your head right now."
"I am going to be a father. To twins and I cannot protect them." My voice broke on the last word and I hated how weak I sounded. "I am human now. Weak and slow and vulnerable. What kind of father cannot keep his family safe from danger?"
"The kind who loves them enough to sacrifice everything he was for them," Harper said firmly without hesitation. "Ryan, you keep talking about what you have lost. Your wolf and your strength and your pack standing. But look at what you have gained in return. Lisa chose you. Those babies are yours. You have a family that loves you exactly as you are right now in this moment."
"But I am useless to them," I insisted and felt the shame burn hot in my chest.
"You are human. That is not the same as useless." Harper leaned forward even more and her voice got intense. "Humans have been raising children successfully for thousands of years without supernatural powers. You will learn and adapt and find new ways to provide and protect. But first you need to accept who you are now instead of spending all your energy mourning who you were before."
The words hit hard because they were true and I did not want them to be true. I wanted my wolf back and my strength back and my confidence back. I wanted to be the man who could fight off armies for his family instead of the man who struggled to open pickle jars now.
"How do I do that?" I asked quietly. "How do I accept being weak?"
"You are not weak. You made the hardest choice possible and followed through even when it cost you everything. That takes more strength than any physical power ever could." Harper paused and let that sink in. "Start small. One day at a time. One decision at a time. Build the life you want with Lisa instead of the life you think you should have had."
The session ended and I walked to my car in the parking lot with my head full of thoughts I could not sort through yet. The winter air was cold against my face and I noticed the temperature more now without wolf healing to regulate my body. Everything felt sharper and more fragile since becoming human.
Nathan's mother was waiting by my car and I stopped short when I saw her. She looked older than I remembered and grief had carved deep lines around her eyes and mouth.
"Mrs. Cross," I said carefully and wondered why she was here.
"Mrs. Blackstone told me about the twins. Congratulations." Her voice was thick with grief that had not faded even months after Nathan's death.
"Thank you. I am sorry for your loss. Nathan was a good man and he died protecting people he cared about."
"He was in love with Lisa," she interrupted and the words hung heavy between us. "I found his journal after he died. Pages and pages about her. About hoping she would choose him someday even though he knew she probably never would."
She handed me an envelope with my name written on the front in handwriting I did not recognize. "He wrote this letter before he died. It was meant for Lisa but I think you should read it first. It explains some things that might matter now given the circumstances."
I opened the envelope with shaking hands and pulled out the single sheet of paper inside. Nathan's handwriting was neat and precise even though the words themselves were rushed.
"If you are reading this, I am probably dead. Heroic sacrifice or something equally stupid. But there is something you need to know about that night after Sophia's challenge.
The night when Lisa was drugged and vulnerable and alone. I went to her room. I saw her lying there unconscious and defenseless. For fifteen minutes I stood in that doorway debating whether to stay. Whether to take the chance that fate seemed to be offering me.
Whether to finally have the woman I had loved for years even if she could not consent. In the end I left. I could not do that to her or to Ryan or to myself. I loved her too much to take advantage of her like that even when every part of me wanted to stay. If there are ever questions about that night or about paternity or about consent, know this truth. I was not there when it mattered.
Whatever happened to Lisa that night, it was not me. I chose honor over desire even when it cost me everything I wanted. I chose to walk away because that is what real love does. It protects even when it hurts. Tell Lisa I am sorry I could not be what she needed. Tell Ryan he is a lucky man and he better take care of her properly. And tell my mother I tried to be the man she raised me to be even at the very end. With love and regret, Nathan."
My hands shook so hard the paper rattled and I had to read it three times before the meaning fully sank in. Nathan was not the father. He had walked away that night. Which meant both twins were definitely mine without any doubt or question. Relief flooded through me so powerfully I had to lean against my car to stay standing.
Nathan died having never betrayed anyone and having chosen honor even when it cost him everything he wanted most in the world. The guilt I had been carrying about maybe raising his child mixed with my own lifted suddenly and I could breathe properly for the first time in days.
"Thank you," I said to Nathan's mother and my voice was rough with emotion. "Thank you for showing me this."
She nodded and wiped tears from her eyes. "He was a good boy. Stupid and reckless sometimes but good where it counted. I wanted you to know that before rumors started about the twins and their paternity. Nathan