Chapter 25-1

Lex woke up from her nightmare, gasping and coated in sweat.  Otis jolted awake too, looking up with sleep-squinty eyes.  "Babe?  Are you okay?" "Fine.  Just a bad dream."  It wasn't just bad; it was horrific.  Blood and screaming, pain and darkness.  Otis had been there, but he was different, older, and he looked away from her suffering with such indifference, she still felt like crying. The real Otis cuddled her.  "It's okay, Lexi.  I've got you.  Another nightmare, hey?  You've had a lot of those lately.  Is everything okay?" "Fine.  I'm just..."  Just what?  Having some sort of delayed psychological reaction to aborting your baby?  Lex rubbed her face, moving the skin around over her cheekbones as if to reassure herself that she was really there.  "It's work stress, that's all." "Things still aren't great?"  Otis frowned.  "Babe, I don't know how much more you can do.  You're there for like, twelve hours a day.  If you're getting slammed, you should tell Wilson, get some more help." "No."  The problem wasn't her work load; it was her capacity for her job that had changed. Ever since making the appointment for the termination, Lex had lost her edge.  Keeping the baby was never going to happen, and she didn't experience a moment of doubt over the decision, but stupidly, she couldn't help but allow herself little glimpses of what the future could be if she called and cancelled the procedure. The vision always started out great; she'd work throughout her pregnancy, then give birth to a little miracle with Otis' emerald eyes and cheeky smile.  He could be a stay at home dad, and she would go back to work.  Perfect. Expect it wasn't.  If Otis was on full-time baby duty, he'd never get a chance to pursue his dream, the one he'd already had delayed because of Lex.  She could picture him in five years, chunky and miserable, talking to the other school mums about the time he almost made it big on the music scene. Could she stay home?  Even the thought made Lex's blood run cold.  What the hell did she know about looking after a baby?  She'd be bored and resentful in ten seconds flat, and that was no life for a child. Plus, they needed her income, now more than ever.  The two properties, two vehicles, five credit cards, three personal loans and myriad of expenses were keeping Lex's bank account balance permanently in the red.  Otis had been complaining about it, of courses, but he had no legal right over her finances, and the more he pushed for her to sell the apartment or give up a car, the more she resisted.  Lex loved the status; it made her feel as though her life had been building to a place where she was finally cashing in. Not that she was giving up the baby because of bucks.  Well, not entirely.  Am I?  All of her convoluted thought patterns were made it hard to concentrate at work, and her drop in productivity was almost immediately noticed.  It's fine.  Once this is over, I'll be back up to speed in no time. She'd built the termination procedure up in her head to be some massive medical event, but it ended up being almost as low-key as a pap smear - which was exactly what she'd told Otis she was having done.  With his limited knowledge of girl issues, he never questioned why it would take her half a day. Lex lay back while pleasant and professional staff did what they had to do, and the whole thing was over in a matter of minutes.  They checked her blood pressure, gave her a handful of information flyers and sent her on her way.  Lex waited to feel something, anything, to help make the whole episode more real.  Some spotting and cramping, and then nothing. Nothing.  That night, Lex looked at her belly in the mirror.  It had stayed perfectly flat while she was pregnant, and it was still flat afterwards - no sign of the inner-turmoil that had been going on inside her body.  No one will ever know.  Time to put the whole thing out of her brain as a bump on the smooth road of their future. But she hadn't counted on the guilt.  Every time she looked at Otis, with his wide innocent smile, she couldn't help but feel the pinch of remorse that he didn't know.  Which was stupid, of course; the whole point was that he didn't know, that he would be shielded from the knowledge of something already been and gone. The irrational guilt kept her awake at night, and it was destroying her solid reputation at work.  She'd tried working longer hours in an effort to catch up, but instead found herself staring at her screen for long periods, the words blurring before her. "It's just lack of sleep," she told Otis, checking the time.  "It's almost time to get up anyway." Otis curved his hand over her hip, suddenly wide awake.  "We've got half an hour.  I know something we could do to start your day off right..." Her skin came alive under his touch, her body crying out for him.  Otis took her silence as a yes, and began to dance his fingers over the fabric of her tight tank, waking up her nipples, and Lex moaned at the delicious sensation. "There she is.  That's my girl," said Otis, his smile reminding her of how much she loved him, how she'd endure any kind of suffering so he didn't have to. Then, with the world's most unfortunate timing, Otis leaned over and planted kisses on the pool of her belly, saying, "There's my baby." Lex stiffened, any sensual feelings suddenly snuffed out by his innocent phrasing.  Rolling away, she said savagely, "Otis, I told you, I have to get up." His eyes creased in sadness at the edges.  "Lexi, come on.  It's been weeks since we...  I'll only be a minute." She knew she should let him, allow him to use her body for his pleasure.  It's not like she wouldn't enjoy it too, and this wasn't fair on him.  But sex with Otis was never just sex.  The intimacy would overwhelm her, and she would cry, and it would only make things worse.  "I don't have a minute.  Take care of yourself in the shower - isn't that what men do?" He didn't respond, watching her silently as she stalked into their bathroom, where she knew the shower that waited for her could never truly make her clean. Donning her powerful suit and fierce heels, Lex strode downstairs a little while later.  As she entered, Otis looked up from his glass of water, staring into her with a sorrowful gaze.  "Lexi?  I know something's wrong.  Can you talk to me, please?" "Nothing's wrong, Otis."  Smothered, she reached for her keys, and her inner-bitch surfaced to protect her.  "I just have to get to work, which takes longer from here than the apartment you refuse to move into.  So forgive me if I'm not a barrel of laughs or a nymphomaniac in the mornings." His head bowed.  "Is... is it someone else?" She almost said yes for a second.  It was someone else - the man he could never be, the woman she didn't want to be.  She loved him, but she found herself wishing they were more compatible, or that at least they could find more common ground.  She never would have had to hide a termination from someone like MacNamara; he would have cheerfully driven her there and paid for the procedure himself.  "No, don't be stupid.  I barely have time to scratch myself at the moment; how on earth do you think I could make time for an affair?" "I...  I don't know.  I just feel like you're not really here." As she snatched up her bag, she gave him a dismissive look.  "I'm not.  I'm already at work mentally.  That's how my job goes, Otis.  I'm not a musician who can rock up and start playing.  I have to actually use my brain."