Chapter 154 Opening up

Chapter 154 Opening up
Dylan’s POV

There are some words you spend months imagining.

You imagine how you’ll say them. You imagine the exact moment, the perfect setting, the right expression on the other person’s face when they finally hear what you’ve been carrying inside you.

Then, when the moment finally comes, none of that matters.

Because the second I tell Emma I still love her, I realize there was never going to be a perfect way to say it.

There was only going to be the moment when I finally couldn't keep it inside anymore. And now she is staring at me like I have just handed her something fragile.

Her eyes are wet, her lips are parted and she looks like she can't believe I just said it.

Honestly?

Neither can I.

My heart is still beating so hard that I can feel it in my throat, but I don't regret saying it. Not even for a second.

I had to say it.

I needed her to know.

“Baby...” I reach for her hands, my fingers closing around them. “I...”

I stop for a second, trying to breathe.

“The months without you were the hardest time of my life.”

Her eyes flicker.

“I had already grown so accustomed to having you in my life that I didn't know how to exist without you anymore.” I let out a shaky breath. “Even when I got suspended from NYU and felt like I was completely useless, even when I was dealing with all the pressure from my family and feeling like I had failed everyone around me, you were the one good thing I kept holding on to.”

I smile sadly.

“You were the one thing I didn't want to mess up.”

Emma's eyes fill even more.

“And then somehow, I messed up the one thing that mattered most anyway.”

“Dylan...”

“I lost you.” I squeeze her hands. “But I want you back, Emma.”

“I don't know.” She says, her expression breaking slightly. “You really hurt me, Dylan.”

I close my eyes for a second. “I know.”

“And I don't think you understand how much.”

“I know I can't fully understand it.” I bring her hands to my lips. “And I know you may never forget it. But please... give me a chance to try to erase some of the painful times you had to spend alone.”

Her eyes search mine.

“I don't want to co-parent with you.” I add with a tight chest.

“I want to be in your life. I want to be yours. Yours only.” I swallow. “I love you so much, Emma. Sometimes I think I love you more than I love myself.”

Her eyes harden slightly.

“If you really did...” She pulls her hands away. “Then why did you let me go?”

I don't have an answer that will make the past disappear.

“Because...”

“No.” She shakes her head. “Don't give me some excuse now.”

I stay quiet.

“I tried to make things right.” Her voice trembles. “I tried, Dylan. I tried to talk to you, and you made it very clear that you wanted nothing to do with me.”

“Emma…”

“You fucking blocked me.”

I close my eyes, hating every thought that led to that conclusion now.

“And you blocked Carmen too, even when all she was doing was out of goodwill.” A bitter laugh escapes her. “Do you know how embarrassing that was?”

“I know.”

“No, you don't.”

“I do.”

“You don't!” She shakes her head, tears spilling down her cheeks. “While I was trying to figure out what the hell had happened to us, you had decided I didn't even deserve to speak to you.”

“Emma, I know.”

“It was so stupid.” Her voice cracks. “You were so angry, and you acted like I had ruined everything.”

“I know.”

“You said you loved me.”

“I still do.”

“Then how could you just throw me away?”

My throat tightens. “Because I thought I was holding you down.”

She stares at me, her brows pulling together.

“You said it yourself. You said, and I quote...” I force a laugh that sounds nothing like one. “‘I'm a clingy, obsessive lunatic who does nothing but drive you insane.’”

“Dylan, you know I didn't mean it.” Her expression immediately changes. “I didn't think it through before I said it.”

“I know.”

“I was sick all the time.” She wipes at her cheeks. “I was throwing up constantly. I was exhausted. My hormones were all over the place, and I had no idea I was pregnant. And you kept jumping to conclusions about everything. It was really distressing.”

“I know.” I say, lowering my head. “And I'm so sorry. I should've controlled my judgement that night too, but I guess the wine got to me too. I wasn't thinking straight.”

She immediately looks at me. “That's not an excuse.”

“I know.” I take her hand again. “But it still stands that I'm sorry. I should have been there when you found out about the baby.”

Her face changes.

“Carmen tried to tell me,” I continue. “She tried to tell me, and I was too angry and too stupid to listen.”

“You were too proud to listen.”

I nod.

“I deserve that.”

“Oh, yes, you do.”

Despite everything, a tiny laugh escapes both of us. But the smile disappears from her face almost immediately.

“I'm still mad at you, Dylan.”

“I know.”

“It wasn't just a rollercoaster.” Her voice trembles. “My entire life was falling apart.”

I reach for her again.

“And the one person I needed to hold my hand through all of it hated me.”

My chest aches. “I didn't hate you.”

“You made me feel like you did.”

I don't have anything to say to that.

“I hated myself too, Dylan. I was alone, pregnant, scared, and I didn't even know what I was supposed to do.” She looks away, tears running down her cheeks. “I almost had a fucking abortion.”

My heart stops. “Fuck.”

The word leaves me before I can stop it.

Emma looks at me. “I already booked an appointment. But I couldn't go through with it in the end.”

“Why?”

She swallows. “Because I heard her heartbeat.”

I close my eyes. A second later, I pull her into my arms.

She breaks against my chest. Her tears soak into my shirt as I hold her tightly, my hand moving over her back.

“You really hurt me, Dylan,” she sobs. “There are so many things I can't even name.”