Chapter 47 47
Her eyebrows rose in surprise, but she answered truthfully. “You are fun and sexy, strong and sweet. You know how to make me laugh and can turn me on with a look. You're a good father to Juliana and I enjoy being with you.” She looked as if she wanted to say more, but then stopped and shook her head.
“That sounds like a description of how any number of men could make you feel. In fact, I think it's quite hypocritical of you to hound me about saying I love you when you've never said it to me either,”
“That’s not...” she stopped. He was right. She'd never said it to him because she was afraid he wouldn't say it back, but she'd been right, hadn't she?
“When I look at you and Juliana,” he continued, “I see my future. I have offered you everything I am. I have never wanted, cared for, or felt about any woman the way I feel about you. If three words are all that stands between us, then you can have them. Just don’t be surprised when they don’t bring you the happiness you expect.”
Stefan paused, but it wasn’t as if the words hadn’t resonated through his thoughts a thousand times since the last time the topic of love came up. He didn’t want to say them like this. In the middle of a fight. To prove a point.
He pulled in a breath, took control of his voice, and then spoke from his heart. “I love you.”
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I love you.
Damn him for being right.
Despite the truth in his eyes and the gravity with which he spoke the words, she didn’t feel better. The problems between them weren’t based on an unspoken declaration, but rather on unrealistic expectations. She’d thought that if Stefan broadcast his love for her, she would feel safe and secure. What she hadn’t realized was that the true treasure of love was in being able to receive it. And thus far, she’d proven herself a poor receptacle.
“If you hadn't moved in already,” she said. “I would have said a little bit of time apart would be good for both of us.”
For a split second he looked crushed by her words and then he gave his head a sad shake. “I wasn’t looking for more time apart. I think we’ve had too much of that already.”
Once again she was the one retreating. What was wrong with her? The man had told her he loved her. She should be throwing herself into his arms and smothering him with kisses. Wasn’t this what she’d been craving from him since the beginning? An admission of how he felt about her so she could feel protected?
Tears sprang to her eyes. She admitted to herself that Stefan had been putting more effort into their relationship than she gave him credit for. Maybe she wasn’t good enough for him. “I just don’t have the energy to talk or to listen anymore,” she said,
“That’s fine,” he said, his tone calm and reasonable. “We don’t have to say another word. It’s been a long day and you’re exhausted. You can go to bed. After a good night’s sleep, both our heads will be clearer.”
Alana nodded, turned on her heel and left the kitchen. Now she felt like an asshole and a complete bitch. How many times could she push him away and expect he wouldn’t get sick of it. If she didn’t stop running he might give up chasing her.
Maybe he already had, and could she blame him?
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Maybe he should let her go, Stefan thought two days later.
The last couple of days he’d spent in Alana's house had been the longest of his life. He wanted her in every way that it hurt. Nothing he did seemed to be getting through to her.
He lay awake late into the night, imagining striding down to her bedroom, slipping into her bed and burying himself inside her. He woke up every morning so tight and hard he felt as if he might explode with the want and frustration riding him. And seeing her first thing in the morning, smelling the floral scent of her shampoo, watching her sigh over that first sip of coffee was another kind of torture.
She was here. But she wasn’t his.
Now Alana was out, and he was alone with his daughter. He walked into the nursery to find Juliana wide awake, staring up at the brightly colored animals hanging over her bed.
He looked at her and smiled. God, she had her tiny fist wrapped around his heart. “How am I supposed to leave you?” he asked quietly. “How can I go back to my life… Away in another house, not knowing what you’re doing? Not knowing if you’ve gotten a tooth or if you’ve started crawling. How can I not be here when you start to walk? Or when you fall down for the first time?”
Soft sunlight came through the blinds on the window and lay across the shining wood floor like gold bars. Outside somewhere on this cozy little street, a lawnmower fired up and Alana jumped as though she'd been shot.
Instantly Nick moved to the crib, leaned over and laid one hand on his daughter's narrow chest. He felt the rapid-fire thud of a tiny heart beneath his palm, and a love so deep, so pure, so all encompassing, filled him to the point that he couldn’t draw a breath.
He hadn’t expected this. Hadn’t thought to fall so helplessly in love. Hadn’t thought that he’d enjoy getting up at the crack of dawn just so he could look down into wide eyes, eager to explore the morning. Hadn’t thought that being here, with his daughter, with her mother, could feel so…right.
He bent down, scooped her up into his arms and cradled her against his chest. The warm, pliant weight of her and her thoughtful expression made Stefan smile. He drew the tip of one finger along Juliana's cheek, and she turned her face into that now-familiar touch. Stefan's heart twisted painfully in his chest as he stared down into those solemn eyes so much like his own.
“I promise you, I’ll always be here when you need me.” His voice was as quiet as a sigh, but Juliana seemed almost to understand as she gave her father one of her smiles. Stefan swallowed hard, “I love you.
And I’m going to find a way to make this work.”
When Juliana kicked her little legs and swung her arms, it was almost a celebration. At least, that’s what Stefan told himself.