Chapter 28 28
She swallowed him down, taking him deeper into her mouth until he was totally spent. She released him with a pop and satisfied grin, and when he pulled back she didn’t know what to say.
He simply pulled her to him and crushed her close while she rested her head right over his heart. He pulled back, smacking kisses on her swollen, grinning lips.
“Best.” He kissed her.
“Fun.” He kissed her again.
“Ever.”
__________
Stefan could tell later that morning that something was up with Alana. She'd gotten really quiet as she prepared for work and he got Juliana ready for Diana as well.
Alana was lost in thought. She didn’t have words right now or the strength to pretend like this was nothing more than sex. And she was so worried that Stefan would eventually leave her like he had the last time. He had to. It was his job and he loved it. His family hadn't been able to convince him to quit, so why would he for her?
She hadn’t realized until this moment how deep the fear was inside her, just under the surface of the confidence that she now recognized as bravado instead of strength.
She twisted her head and looked away, hoping to keep her emotions hidden from Stefan when she noticed him watching her.
The last time she’d been in this man’s arms her entire life had changed. And though she was on the pill, she wasn’t ready to risk another unplanned pregnancy. She shifted away from him.
“I’m going to pop into the bathroom. Be right back,” she said, walking away before he had a chance to respond.
She closed the door to her bathroom and locked it before putting down the toilet seat and sitting down. A million different emotions roiled through her. Of course, pleasure still saturated every nerve of her body, but she had to keep blinking to stop the tears that burned her eyes from falling.
She wanted last night and this morning to be real. Not just the sex but the dinner and the conversation and everything else. She wanted it badly with every part of her being and it worried her that she might just be making it into something it wasn’t.
Stefan might want to marry her, but he didn't love her. How was she going to play it? She wasn’t cool or sophisticated when it came to him. Any other man… Well, hell, any other man wouldn’t have made her feel what Stefan did. It was just him, and she wanted more from him than she could get.
He was trying when it came to Juliana. She could give him that. But she needed more. She needed him to be someone that she wasn’t sure he could be. And she had the sinking feeling that she was setting herself up for heartache.
There was a knock on the door. “You okay?” Stefan asked.
“Yes, sorry. Just a few more minutes.”
“Diana just arrived. I'm going to leave Juliana with her and leave. That will give you some time to yourself…. I kinda feel like you need it,”
She did, “Okay.” Alana replied.
She needed both the time and the continued privacy. She stood up, realizing she couldn’t hide in here forever. She adjusted her clothes and makeup, then slowly put her hair back up as she stared at herself in the mirror.
In movies and on TV people always seemed to convey conviction and determination with a look, but she couldn’t. The more she tried, the more fearful she was that last night had been a mistake.
It was too soon for things to be sexual between them. He was still adjusting to having a daughter and she was still adjusting to him being back in her life.
And soon he'd walk away again.
___________
He had to talk to Alana, Stefan thought as he retrieved his daughter from Diana as she left Alana's house. Juliana was chortling happily, making those noises again and made Stefan feel like he was king of his world.
There hadn’t been a lot of times when he’d been filled with… He didn’t really know what this was. He wasn’t a miserable son of a bitch generally, but he also wasn’t extremely happy. But tonight he felt the first seeds of what he might be.
It was scary, though, because when he’d held Alana in his arms after they made love that morning he’d had that soul-deep fear that if he let go of her she might disappear. He knew she wasn’t like him and wouldn’t just walk away, but another part of him feared she would. It would serve him right if she did, but he was praying that he could show her… What?
She was going to need more than sex from him, and he’d never been good at emotions. He still wanted to marry her, but he'd seen the fear in her eyes as she’d dashed into her bathroom. Carrying Juliana tucked against his chest and seeing those eyes watching him now, Stefan felt the weight of his actions.
He almost wondered if he should propose to her properly. Get her a ring.
He knew she'd still say no. But even if she didn't, then what? Being married wasn’t going to be a solution to the problems that existed between them, and he knew there were problems even if they got along when it came to Julian's.
He just had to find the right words to say. And the right way to say them.
And then maybe they would be able to move on from here. Something other than sex.
Not that he thought he'd be able to not touch her at all, he thought as he smiled to himself, remembering her nakedness and wanting her again. The orgasm he’d had was nice but he knew he wasn’t going to be satisfied until he made her totally his again. Until he’d taken her and claimed her once again for himself.
He needed that. And he hadn’t realized how much until the moment when he saw her defensive posture and realized that while their time together had eased some of his concerns, it had simply heightened hers.
Juliana’s soft breathing was the only sound in the house. Stefan shifted her in his arms as he walked into the kitchen, gently rocking until she let out a tiny sigh and settled against his chest.
A heavy scent hit him as soon as he entered. Then he saw it. An enormous bouquet of fat red blooms occupied the center of her kitchen table — bright, fresh, expensive. A small white card peeked out between the petals.
He frowned, stepping closer, careful not to jostle Juliana. He lifted the card that rested in the center. The note was simple, written in bold, masculine handwriting: ‘I’m thankful for you.’