Chapter 21

Trinity

I didn’t know how long I stayed on the bathroom floor, shivering from the cold, but when I came to again, I was breathing easily. There was no light coming in through the window. It was nighttime.

I sat up, shaking violently, and slowly dragged myself out of the bathroom. I was still freezing. My mind was whirling with the images, but none of them made any sense.

That man was still drifting through my mind. Less real and somehow more real than anything. I climbed into bed, trying to stop the shaking as I wrapped myself in my blankets. It was too much.

I thought about calling my dad or Mark, but I pulled back on that. What exactly had I remembered? I had the faintest impression of a man and faint flashes of pain and blood, but there was nothing concrete. What could I possibly help with?

The man wasn’t anyone I knew. I needed help to get more out of this, to make sense of it, but Mark wouldn’t help me do anything but fret, and dad was just happy to have me around, alive and recovering.

I didn’t want to go to either of them. There was something I couldn’t trust in either of them, especially in Mark.

I shook my head, unable to make full sense of it. I tried my best, but with my shivering like this, all I could do was focus on getting warmer.

I needed someone else. Someone who would put me at ease and listen to me.

Months passed. I tried going back under several times, but nothing came of it, as if the memories had been moved. I could use my hands a bit more, enough to use a laptop and a pen for a while. I got better in classes and could see my first year in my psychology program going well. Things went well for a long time. Then, I got matched with a mentor.

Dr. Sindia Black was a nice woman. She was older with a sunny smile and a great track record as being the youngest psychiatrist in the field. She graduated incredibly young, but her passion for helping people was almost legendary.

I smiled at her as I entered her office. I had waited until a few weeks into our mentorship relationship to set up a separate, private meeting with her. She wore a golden top that made her dark brown complexion hum despite the bleak weather we were still having.

“How are you feeling, Trinity?” She asked, sipping her coffee.

“I… I’m not entirely sure.”

She frowned. “What’s on your mind?”

I took a deep breath. “You… know that I was found in Utah… Miles away from where I had been.”

Her eyes narrowed she dropped her gaze to the cup in her hand. She nodded.

“Yes.”

Her voice was tense as my gaze dropped to the back of her hands. She was gripping her cup tightly, and the ink of the tattoos on the back of her hands caught my eye. I wrung my hands together before pulling out the book on hypnosis.

She blinked at the book and frowned. “What… Where did you get this?”

“It was at Mark’s house,” I said and offered it to her. “I… tried to use it to access some of my memories…”

She took the book and flipped through the pages. She stopped once she reached the section.

“You had someone hypnotize you?” She asked lightly.

“Not exactly…”

She shut the book with a soft snapping sound. “I didn’t think you were… so desperate that you’d try something so dangerous.”

I winced at her tone, dropping my gaze.

“I know… looking back, it probably wasn’t the smartest, but I… I am desperate. And I think I did get something out of it. I’m just not sure what.” I pulled out my journal. “I tried to write down everything I could remember, but I can’t make much sense of it.”

“…trauma, when it is buried in a well of darkness, is sometimes better left,” she said quietly.

I looked at her. “But your work—”

“My work is dedicated to helping people who want to remember. Who are ready to face it and work through it,” she said. “Not forcing trauma to the forefront before they are ready.”

She looked at me. “You endangered your life with this. You understand that. I’m not going to lecture you, but I’m going to tell you that hypnosis, especially self-hypnosis, is a mixed bag of tricks. Like dream analysis.”

I drew back, a bit crestfallen. “Really?”

She nodded. “Sometimes… the mind fills in the blanks with things that you want to be there, with movie scenes and fears. That’s not to say that you shouldn’t listen to your subconscious, Trinity. Just… be aware that even the mind plays tricks on itself. For survival. For the sake of moving forward.”

I looked down at my journal and wondered what to say.

“You think it could all just be fake, and nothing happened to me.”

Sindia shook her head. “I would never say or think that. Something happened to you. Something gave you those scars and left you at the bottom of that valley. What your instincts and subconscious are telling you is a part of that, but that is also a part of your mind trying to distance yourself from it. It’s not an easy or straight answer. Sometimes, there isn’t even a straight line between what was real and what is imagined.”

She gave me a small smile. “My best advice to you… right now, is to answer the question of whether you’re ready to confront that. Not just out of curiosity or pressure to know from Mark or anyone else. Are you ready to face it? Or do you simply want to give the police and Mark something to work with?”

I frowned and looked down. I drew my hand over the journal. “I don’t know for sure.”

She nodded. “Don’t burden yourself with trying to answer it now. You’re recovering slowly. You’re back in school, and that’s enough stress in and of itself. Try to find some joy in your day-to-day life. Focus on all you have and enjoy that. Find your steady ground before you start looking to rock the boat.”

She wrinkled her nose. “Sorry. That was terrible.”

I laughed. “No. It was… probably what I needed to hear. Thank you… Would…. I mean, you’ve done dream analysis before.”

Sindia nodded and sat forward. “You want me to look.”

“Just… to see if it’s even something I should give to the police.” I winced. “I’m not sure if it’s clear enough to do anything for their investigation.”

Sindia narrowed her eyes at me before nodding. “Okay, if it’ll give you peace of mind. But, there’s a condition.”

I frowned. “Like…?”

“The university is sponsoring a getaway for everyone in the program.” Her lips twitched. “Help a girl out and come with me?”

I laughed. My stomach turned a little with worry, but I nodded. “Deal.”

“Nothing like being surrounded by all those big wigs trying to shove their agendas, research, and children in your face,” Sindia rolled her eyes. “Honestly. If I wanted a boyfriend, I could find one without their help.”

I nodded and handed the journal over. I felt… nervous but letting it go made something else settle in me. Sindia read the journal, never glancing at me. Her expression barely changed, but it gave me time to think.

My dad and I couldn’t continue living with Mark. I needed to get out of my program and get back on track so that I could give him the life he was meant to have. The life I couldn’t give my mom.

My eyes pricked.

“Another condition,” Sindia said, gesturing to me. “You need grief counseling.”

I flinched. “I…”

“I didn’t say right now,” Sindia said, turning a page. “Just think about it. You could take your dad.”

I nodded. “Thanks.”

Sindia nodded and kept reading before going back a few pages and nodding slowly. She closed it and tilted her head.

“I think… at minimum, the police will be able to put together a profile on who took you,” she said.

“What other information they might have will be up to them to put together, but I think your instincts are right to give it to them.”

I nodded and took it back. “I’ll… I’ll give it to them as soon as I leave.”

“Pack for the northwest pacific,” she said and rolled her eyes. “Why they want us to get on the beach at this time of year, I have no idea. Next year, I’m campaigning for a cruise in the summer.”

“I will back you up!” I said, laughing.

Then, I turned to look out the window into the darkness, and I swore there was a man standing out there.

I pulled my gaze away and back to Sindia. I found her watching me, and for a long moment, we said nothing, staring at each other. I got the sense that she knew something I hadn’t even told her yet.

“… what did you see?” she asked.