please come back

Vincenzo Moreno

Day 3: post operation.

White stark walls moved behind as I was wheeled into ICU: room 4. My system was asleep, with just my ears acknowledging the clomp of feet on the floor, muddled chatters and the squeal the wheelchair had as it rolled on along the tiled floor.

The nurse pushed in the door. My heart throbbed the instant I spotted her. It wasn't good for my recovery, as the doctor had said; I didn't care. I couldn't, not when she was involved.

Something washed over me. Hurt that clawed at my core.

The nurse placed me next to her and left.

I lifted a hand, then placed it on Rina's. My cloudy eyes moved to her face.

It was unbelievable, so much, because I'd thought I'd lost her. Almost pushed to tears, I kissed her hand—my eyes shut tight as I communicated using my mind. We'd converse this way until she recovered.

I cannot believe it: I'm holding you. You are here with me, life and direct. There's so much that's to be said. So much I should let out that I have the potential to get all muddled up. But I'll try to.

First, I want to thank you so very much, Rina. I don't deserve you. You stepped in, not minding the danger. You saved me, Rina, despite all I did.

It was baffling. Truly. How Rina had pulled the trigger. How she had stopped the monster from killing me.

You were in such a pain no one can imagine. Still, you fought to keep me alive. Rina, I've been a fool. I know, I must have told you this, or not, but yes—yes, I admit I've been. I'm ready to tell the whole world what moron I was. You were a treasure that I didn't value. How and why it was so, I can't explain. Anger isn't it. Not at all.

The first time we met—the second time we looked into each other's eyes, I seethed out of the embarrassment of being scolded out in front of you and your mom. When you throw in the fact that you saw me naked, not long before, I was on my way to a lifetime of loath and resentment.

However, that doesn't explain my maltreatment to you. I don't know how it all went wrong and I…

I hurt you so bad. I still hear your screams for help. I was supposed to die in Alessio's hands. Somehow though, fate thought otherwise. I say this because people have sworn that you see your entire life flash, right before you die. I did. I saw a good part of my childhood, teenager years—all that, but what stands out is your scream. Although short-lived, it's been burned in my memory.

Rina, if I could, I'd have knelt.

Or maybe I can. See? I'm on my knees now.

Please, forgive me.

I brought her hand to my chest.

Forgive me. Your Mammà has.

A bitter smile laid on my lips.

I learnt that's what you call her. We are cool now. Yes. As a proof of my foolishness also, she isn't the witch I thought she was. She's sweet. Got me some pastina yesterday and I wasn't surprised at how good it tasted.

I inhaled as wistfulness descended on me. Opening my eyes, I ran my tongue across my tongue to further gauge my emotions. I wanted a fairytale ending with Rina.

My parents came here yesterday, right? I was asleep when they did. The doctor told me. Don't worry about them. They won't take you away from me. I know what I want and that is you.

I brought her fingers to my lips.

I love you. I'll see you tomorrow, and…

I hope you forgive me. Just a chance. One more and you can discard me if I fail again.

Day 5

Morning, Rina. How are you feeling? The doctor just told me your head's healing fine. It's a huge relief. I can't wait to see your eyes again. Heard the stitches will be removed soon as well. Thank heavens. I'll help clean the wounds, and the scar will be my favorite spot to kiss on.

I'm sorry I wasn't able to drop by yesterday: I was having my pulmonary rehab. My muscles are getting better; my wounds are closing up too. I tried to come, but your mom wouldn't let me. She insisted I needed to rest. I had no choice but to obey. I mean…

I shrugged.

I just want to prove myself worthy, letting her know I can take care of you and the babies. And speaking of which, the kids will be out of the incubator soon.

I wore a little smile.

They are alright. They were put there because they aren't fully mature. I've had the opportunity to see them. Actually, I do that almost every second. They're in the same room with me. That way, I can watch them. Your mom is taking this well. She isn't as disturbed as I'd thought she'd be.

Did you also tell her you wanted the kids safe? She asked me what name I'd like to give them.

A chuckle left me, and shook my head. "I haven't come up with shit."

I almost told her to find a name herself, but that is unromantic. I'd like us to select a name together: you and I. Something special, not the usual grandpa/great grandpa infusion. I thought of 'Matteo' and 'Angelo'; 'Lucca', 'Sebastiano' but they all have some dents, sort of. Either too common, or unbefitting.

Then, the smile waned.

Padre is still hesitant. He is yet to accept the babies. But you shouldn't worry. He will come around. I know him. I know what he's capable of doing, and what he isn't capable of.

Till next time, Rina.

DAY 16

Rina, it's more than two weeks now, and I'm getting worried. The kids and I are leaving. We'll be staying in one of my mother's guesthouses till everything settles down. Padre still hasn't gotten back to me and his prolonged silence isn't a good sign. It hasn't been easy; I'm trying though. At least, some cheering news came on last night.

Alessio didn't die, unfortunately. I can't explain why and how he managed to survive. The silver lining is that he will be sent to jail. I'm hoping the death penalty will be reinstated. This is the part where I wish I was already out as a lawyer.

I haven't told you I want to be a lawyer, right? I do. Luckily for Alessio, I'm more fascinated by Company Law. Whatever be the case, he won't escape the wrath of the law. And that snake, Mia. She's currently cooling her heels in a cell. I know my mother. She'll make sure Mia gets the full possible term.

Please, wake up soon. I need to see you. I miss you so much. I can't continue like this. Yes, it's just been two weeks, and not at all close to the time frame the doctor gave, but it feels like a year. And I can't imagine being this way for the next month and half. Come on, Rina. For the sake of the babies too. I…

A silent voice accused me of blackmail. I brushed it aside. This was no blackmail. I was speaking the truth.

The babies need you as much as I do. Even more. It isn't easy bringing them here in turns to get fed, or feeding them with bottles, rather than the real natural thing. I'm talking about the bond that comes with actual breastfeeding. With you being awake and admiring them. I've seen that in a lot of articles. They don't sound made up

For the babies' sake, come out soon.

DAY 72

Two months have come and it is going fast. You're still in a coma. I'm on my knees. I'm holding your hand and I'm begging you with all of me, please wake up. Please. I'm slowly getting crazy. I'm gradually losing my mind. What else should I do to show you I'm sorry. Please, tell me. I'll do it, anything at all. Anything apart from staying away from you or forgetting you.

That's the exception because it's an impossible task.

I've tried following Dr. Yolanda's instructions, though it's a challenge. I think of you every day. I worry about you. About us.

Wait.

That's it, yes? The condition you have for me is follow Dr. Yolanda's advice and stay calm?

Okay.

Okay, Rina. I will.

Day 79

I'm still waiting. Patiently waiting to see you look at me.

Day 370

June has always been just another month. Not even the idea of spending more time with my friends or being away from college stress made it special. The narrative changed last year.

Luciano and Dante had their first birthday bash on Thursday, a week after my wrap up of third year. It was just me, them and your mom in what will now be our former home. Padre sent in gifts, but I turned them down. They weren't…appropriate.

I pursed my lips. The gifts were addressed just to Luciano, because he was seen as the true born. Both of my boys were special. It didn't matter who'd come out first.

It's crazy how much they've grown and the peculiarities between them. Luciano is a born leader. I can see it.

I beamed.

Always looking out for Dante. One time, Dante was restive because of his teething. Luciano offered some of his puree. Not only that, he pets Dante's back when Dante's disturbed. Your mom told me he learnt that from the TV—which brings me to another point of difference. Dante's more connected with family and enjoys quality time spent. Yes, this might sound contradictory, but hear me out, okay?

Kissing Rina's fingers, I ran my thumb across them.

Whenever I'm home and in the living room, that's the end for me. I won't do anything for the next several minutes until Dante dozes off. I have to view his programs with him. He gets super excited during the dinner, especially during festivities or when the meal's large. He's very cuddly and likes to sit on my lap.

That fills me with immense emotions because I know I don't deserve it. I remember how I denied the pregnancy, how I freaked out and almost gagged, just at the thought of having children. I was a fool, Rina. I don't deserve those two. And I wish they'd taken after you facially because you've been through a lot. You carried them all by yourself—although totally not by my making—I wasn't there for you.

I'm planning for a better future. I'm making arrangements to fly them out of the country. They can't stay hidden forever. They need to associate with other kids, and get to enjoy childhood. Your mom is one-hundred percent in support. All that's left is for you to come around.

Wake up and let's start things over.

Please.

Before I leave, I think you will want to hear that Alessio—Leonardo, whatever, has been indicted for murder. He's accused of killing Alpha Salvatore. I can't say I'm not surprised. In addition, it is scary. You were with him for days. He held you hostage, Rina. You lived under the same roof with a killer.

That troubles me, but not as much as your mother's statement of: Two years and we will have to let her go.

Day 928

I can't bring myself to speak. I'm challenging all my energy into pleading that you wake up. Yesterday has always been haunting. I've been able to ignore it. Two years ago, and the year after. While this isn't about what happened that night at my party, I'm distressed. The time you're allowed on life support will soon elapse.

Your mother insists she doesn't want an extension. Plesse, prove her wrong. Surprise her. Surprise everyone that thinks it's crazy for me to wait. I've done virtually everything, Rina. Everything I think is retribution. I've whipped myself. I've fasted. Rina, I've written journals upon journals of what my heart desires. I've tried my best to be the best dad I can for the kids. I've kept them from harm's way and I'm on my knees. I've been to your father's grave twice. I have, so, I don't know what else to do.

I'm on my knees, Rina. I deserve it all. You don't even have to forgive me, even if that's something I wish for. Just, open your eyes. You can tell me to leave and I will. I just want you to open your eyes, please. The kids need you. I've promised them you'll be back this year.

Your mom too. She needs you. She isn't doing this out of her clear mind: removing you from life support. No, Rina. You know this is true. She is broken and hurt. She is trying to follow that bullshit of 'letting go of the things you love because you love them'. She is misplacing that advice, Rina. You know it. Please come back.

I'm pleading.