just for me

Rina Zante

I pulled the tapestry aside and ushered myself into the genesis of my problem. La stanza Nera.

Unlike the other two times I'd been here, I was indifferent. The echo of my footsteps didn't make me quake inwardly; neither did the insane width here pushed me into agoraphobia.

I set the bucket on the floor and started working.

I'd changed: nothing moved me anymore. The past—to put it correctly. I had now become immune to the unwanted flashbacks and the hurt that came with them.

I worked all the way to the end of the room, down to the dining and the corridor next to it. A feeling of an ominous presence fell on me, but upon looking up, I found no one. Just the living room holding my gaze.

However, I couldn't be fooled. Someone had been watching. This wasn't my mind making pranks, because Vincenzo had long proved to be a psycho. I could bet on anything precious to me that he'd been here, watching.

Which brought anger in its darkest shade to my heart. I could kill him. If given the opportunity, I could relieve this world of one bad egg.

My next work for the day was a temptation. I didn't know what else to tag being put in a delicate position. Fortunately or unfortunately, I took charge of my emotions and didn't go about tearing off the Alpha's family pictures from the wall. I rather dusted them gently.

Finally, after what seemed like centuries, break time arrived. My stomach growled like crazy and I wasn’t keen on knowing what brought the idea that I was harming the baby.

I went to collect lunch from the kitchen, but was informed Mammà had already done so. I found that surprising at first; then I realized that with all that'd happened lately, Mammà's actions made sense. I couldn't explain what tore me up, widening the hole in my heart. Well, crying had become the norm. The slightest things made me cry. The dumbest things; nothing at all, and I didn't need to say how annoying that was.

Mammà's smile greeted me when I opened the door. She was seated in the floor with our lunch before her. I kept looking at the smile which—apart from failing to reach her eyes—was weak.

"Go freshen up before you eat," she said when I started in. "I'll wait."

My gaze remained fixed for a while, until I finally snapped back into the present.

"No, I'm fine. "

"We'll eat together, Rina. Quick, before the food gets cold."

Despite the number of questions hovering in my mind, I nodded, throwing in a smile too. I was done some minutes later and was about sitting when Mammà spoke, "Come…"

Her lips came shut, bearing a tiny smile as she shook her head. "Never mind."

Staring quizzically for a moment, I decided not to give Mammà's strange behavior much thought. Sitting before her, I began to take small bites of the food, in spite of the hunger disturbing my inside.

"Don't like it?"

I glanced at her and soon grabbed what she meant. "No, it's fine." And to solidify my answer, I increased the portion of my bite.

Even though silence gained ground between us, I was comfortable. I was at peace. Yes, despite all that, Mammà hadn't inquired more about Vincenzo's ill treatment. She hadn't asked me anything else after the night I'd confessed. The atmosphere was nothing awkward at all and that gave me peace. Yes. Despite also the fact mamma hadn't asked me about the rape again, I couldn't stress how relieved I was. Glad, because I wanted nothing to do with that memory.

I surprised myself by stuffing food into my mouth, and instantly felt sorry for forgetting about Mammà.

When I looked at her, she smiled.

"You really were hungry, weren't you?"

Embarrassed, I brought down my gaze. "I didn't mean to eat it all."

"Don't apologize," she said before I could speak again, making me catch the sadness in her eyes. Causing the tightness in my throat. "You need the food more than I do."

I smiled, bursting into a dry laugh, and decided to say what I should have said all this while. A heartfelt apology because Mammà deserved none of this, and even as she tried to shush me, I went on, "I mean it. You can't make me stop feeling guilty or blaming myself. I should have at least told you when all of it started. I should have but I was a fool…"

"Rina." She frowned.

"And I let the threat affect me. Anyone who is made to judge this matter will agree that the fault is on me. I am to blame. "

"You aren't. You never were." Seriousness had wiped the smile off her face. "I should be the one hiding her head in shame for not sniffing out the truth. I'd have followed my gut that kept telling me that boy was bad news. I witnessed his hostility towards you. Saw that hate in his eyes and…"

She looked away from me; it didn't take me long to realize she was fighting back tears. "I'd noticed something off about your mood; I'd had the sense that something was wrong, but rather than probe further, I relaxed. Taking your word for it."

She turned her focus to me and touched my hand. "It never was your fault. Don't you ever blame yourself for another person's sin."

Tears piled up in my eyes; right as they were about spilling over, Mammà drew me to her chest.

"We will get through this," she said, holding me tight. "And please forgive me. I was quick to judge, quick to forget that you are the angel I asked the moon goddess for."

I hadn't been this relieved. A weight lifted from my chest. I could cry without reservation, not bothered that someone would see me, or use me to their advantage. I could be vulnerable in front of Mammà because she was my all.

We pulled apart after a stretch of silence, and she wiped my tears with the back of her hand. "Cry no more. Everything will be fine."

I nodded, despite wanting to say I'd lost hope. I'd tell her later about my plans for an abortion.

Mammà stopped me from clearing the dishes. "I'll handle it. You should rest. You've done enough work for today "

"I'm not tired."

"And I didn't ask for your input." A genuine smile touched her lips. For a little while, because in the next minute, it vanished. Her glance at my belly told me everything she didn't say. She was concerned because of my condition. "You need to rest."

She stopped upon reaching the door, and passed me a side glance. "All this will be over soon."

I couldn't explain the emotion that enveloped me. Gratitude, likely.

Our relationship had been healed. A breath of fresh air for me. I wasn't alone. With Mammà, I could get through this. She'd stay by my side while I got rid of this pregnancy and all would be back to normal.

As I turned towards my bed, I happened upon the sorry state Mammà's side was in. The revelation I gave last night had jarred her so much she'd forgotten to dress her bed.

I smoothened out the sheets, about to place the pillow well when a piece of paper caught my attention. It was tucked under the pillow.

Pulling it out, I unfolded it and met a letter addressed to the Luna. With my eyes itching, I went through it, every sentence striking me hard in the stomach.

I dropped to the bed when emotions ran wild. The amount of love my mother had for me tore me apart. My inadequacies, me being unable to shower her with all the blessings in the world, shredded me to pieces.

She had written a resignation letter, Citing a major health issue as the reason. She had lied just for me. And was leaving a well paying job all for my interest.

I was just so pushed beyond my limits so much that tears ran down my cheeks, a loud cry escaping my lips. The cry alerted someone, and a knock rapped on the door.

“Rina?”

It was the devil. Vincenzo.