Chapter 87 D-2
>>Amara
I couldn't sleep the whole night. Not properly. My mind was filled with things. Especially about Killian.
...
My heart is wavering. I knew being with him would do that to me, that's exactly why I didn't want to be with him...
But being with him is so strange, there's this bond between us that makes us attracted to each other no matter what. And there's a strange comfort I found in it. It made me wonder. How did our ancestors reject each other? Just how? When this feeling is so strong. How?
I don't think I can do this. Well, not that I can do the rejection process alone but I can't even bring myself to say it...
I know I was distant from the start but it was because I knew we wouldn't work out. But Killian is so persistent. He keeps coming after me.
As I lay under the same space as him, I kept staring at his face and the more I did, the more my heart trembled. We slept in our wolf forms, under a tree with a lot of shade right next to a hill so there was a wall curved around us to protect us from danger. Well, most of the danger since it was still open space.
I stared at the stars in the night and watched as the sky got lighter and turned light blue.
Killian came for me even after I pushed him away, he protected me when I was about to get killed by that tiger too. He's even publicly declared he wants me, even though he hasn't exactly named me, but he has made it obvious he has someone he likes.
He said he wants me and no matter how much I try to deny it, I can't lie to myself. I know I want to be with him. Our wolves are constantly trying to connect. Killian wants to connect too but I'm in the way...
My feelings are in the way.
The thing is in a society where communication and speech were valued, my silence often felt like a glaring deficiency. How could I ever be enough for him, when I lacked something so fundamental?
There was a nagging voice that whispered insecurities in the recesses of my mind. Why would he choose me when there are so many others who can charm him, other girls who come from good backgrounds. My family background is all messed up and for the most part, I wasn't even in it.
He may claim he wants me. No, he shows it too but would his family allow it? Especially when they learn that my biological father is in a mental hospital, and my mom is marked but living separately, and that she was a mistress??
That makes me a child of a mistress. Anyone would want to stay away from me if they heard all that.
A voice in the back of my head spoke. Grace got together with her mate and she wasn't even being herself. She was deceiving the world yet Eli accepted her.
....
What am I doing? Grace isn't like me, and Eli's family isn't all happy with her either... So why would Killian's family accept me? They're all elite class werewolves while I'm from a fallen and broken family.
I couldn't help but question my place in his world, a world that seemed so different from my own. My muteness had always been a part of me, but in the presence of someone who could effortlessly express themselves, I sometimes felt acutely aware of the gap that separated us. It was a gap that I feared would widen over time, that my limitations would become a burden to him.
Wouldn't he get tired of me? Tired of always having to look at me to understand what I saying, tired of how I wouldn't be able to communicate with people around him.
He will realize soon enough that none of it is worth it, right?
Will he reject me then?
My heart hurt so badly at those words.
Will he?
Killian's eyes fluttered open and the first thing he saw was me, staring right back at him
!!!
It startled him and he jumped back, standing right up in the process. He shook his head to see if he was seeing right while I took the time and stood up on all fours as well.
He then stared at me, looking a little confused, 'Did you wake up early?' He asked.
'Yes,' I lied
'And you were staring at my face the entire time?' His tail started to wag in excitement and I couldn't help but feel all bubbly inside at his reaction. Sometimes he's so cute. Especially his wolf.
'Not the entire time,' I said, 'But I was looking at you for a while.' As I gazed into his eyes, a storm of conflicting emotions swirled within me. I found myself lost.
I knew I wanted him. I know he wants me too
But my fears stand above my desires.
'Really!?!?' He jumped in excitement and his tail started wagging even harder. I wanted to laugh at him but my heart hurt. I had to come to a decision and I needed to be away from him for that.
'Killian,' I got all of his attention just by saying his name and he was about to come closer to me when I dropped the bomb on him, 'I want to leave the forest.'
He froze, looking at me directly in my eyes, 'Already?'
I nodded, 'My assignment is done, I need to go and work on the rest of it outside.' I looked away.
He frowned, 'Is that all?' He circled around to make eye contact again but I avoided it, 'You can stay a little longer, it'll be fun-'
'I want to leave,' I cut him off, 'Now,'
He stopped, 'Are you mad at me?' He asked as he got suspicious of my actions, 'Did I do something wrong?'
'No,' I replied, 'I just want to go out.'
...
There was a moment of silence between us
...
'Is it because you don't want to be with me?'
!!!
I frowned but didn't answer him, nor did I look at him.
'Amara,' There was pain in his voice now, 'Can't you stay with me?'
'No,' I stepped further away from him, 'I want to leave.'
I don't know what it was but I felt something inside of my break. Maybe my heart. Or maybe it was my wolf.
'Do I lack in some way?' He stood in his place, unmoving but his words shocked me.
Is he lacking in some way? Is he out of his mind? Why would he say that? He's perfect!! I'm the one who's lacking!! I'm lacking so much that I'm afraid!!
But, I couldn't bring myself to look at him, 'I don't have answers,' I replied. I didn't know what to say to him. I'm so lost here.
I want to tell him I want to stay, but I'm so afraid! How could I stay? I would be nothing more than a burden!
'WHY!?' I could sense the pain in his words, 'At least tell me the reason!' And I wondered if he could sense the pain in mine?
'I,' I stepped away again but this time he jumped towards me.
'Say it!' He growled in my mind, 'Tell me why do you keep pushing me away.' I looked away but he headbutted me softly, forcing my eyes to meet his.
His actions were overwhelming for me. I was lost, so what was I supposed to say to him??
'Amara!' He called my name and I couldn't take it so I shifted back to my human form and ran towards where I left my bag to get my clothes.
I didn't even pay any attention to the fact that I was naked as I was running away but I certainly wasn't expecting what he did next.
Just as I was about to reach my bag, I felt a heavy weight on my back that overpowered me, bringing me down to the ground.
!!!
I was flipped around as I crashed onto the grassy ground. All of it happened so fast I couldn't react fast enough but I shut my eyes bracing myself for the hard impact.
Yet,
As the back of my head hit the ground I didn't feel any pain.
...
Rather, there was a softer feeling there. As if something was cupping the area, protecting me from the damage and harm.
I shot my eyes open and the first thing I saw was Killian, in his human form, looking down at me as he was gripping my right wrist. He had it pinned by the side of my head while his left hand was under my head.
I looked at him wide-eyed as he looked back at me with a pained frown.
!!!!
He made sure I wasn't hurt when he tackled me down.
"Why?" He stared at my face, "Why can't you give me a chance?" His eyebrows were knitted together so near, the lines on his forehead were clear.
My wolf howled at his pain, breaking my heart as well.
His handsome face loomed over mine as he slowly slipped his left hand and then rested it on the side of my head, supporting his weight above me.
"What," His voice was pained, just like his thoughts were, "Do I have to do to make you stay?"