CHAPTER 13: REVELATIONS

Bryan left the country ahead of me. I have no one to hang out with anymore. I just kept miserably letting the days pass, alone in my apartment. I eat whenever I feel like it, I sleep when I feel sleepy. Most of the time, though, I find it hard to sleep. I was like a zombie. I lost track of time that I do not know anymore what day it is today.

I still haven’t left the country. I know I should leave already. I know I should start moving on. But like they say, moving on is like starting a diet plan. You always tell yourself, ‘I will start tomorrow’.

So here I am, in a dungeon that is my apartment. A sorry excuse for a human being.

Sad songs keep on drifting endlessly from my ipod, they seem to taunt me.

And being a fool that I am, I keep on listening to its sappy lyrics, knowing that every words would cut into my heart. When you’re hurting, every sad songs seem to speak of your sorrows.

‘I really wanted to see you right now, Rev,’ I thought to myself and hugged my pillow as if I am hugging him. I took a glance at my phone and contemplated whether or not to call him.

But then I remembered that I deleted his number. Because I know I would be like this!

Out of wanting to divert my mind from these thoughts, I walked over to my personal ref and pulled out all the cans of beer that I see. I need a drink.

I opened a can and raised it into my mouth. I took a big swig and felt the bitter liquid filling my mouth and belly. It still couldn’t be more bitter than the vile I feel in my mouth. I just wanted to forget everything.

But the beer just wouldn’t make me numb. I’ve already finished six cans but I am still sober. I can still remember everything quite clearly and feel this gnawing pain. I feel like I am going crazy.

I want him here. I need him here. But no matter how much I need him, he’s not mine. I sighed. I must move on. Or at least live my life. And I really need to start it now.

I reached for my laptop, started it and connected to an airline website. I’ve decided, I have to book my flight now while I am feeling determined. I silently congratulated myself when I saw the confirmation page of my airline booking.

I slept on the carpet without bothering to clean my mess. I just woke up when I hear someone knocking on my door. Disoriented, I stood up abruptly, but just as immediately, I fell on my butt because of dizziness.

Ugh, my head aches. I cursed at the damned beer. Why did I even think of drinking it?

The knocks came again, this time more urgently. I forced myself to crawl towards the door and then leaned on the wall to be able to stand up and open the door.

“Jean..” I was shocked when I saw her outside my door. So fresh and beautiful in the morning while I look like a mess and I stink! I subtly looked at the clock hanging on the wall and realized that it was almost noon.

Jean stared at me, her eyes were laced with anger. Perhaps, just like I blame myself, she also blames me for being the reason that Rev almost died.

Does that mean she still loves him? It’s laughable how none of us seemed to have moved on during those long five years.

I couldn’t react when her hand flew to my face. My surroundings is spinning and it was all I could do to keep standing.

We were both silent for a long time.

“I.. I guess I deserved that,” I almost whispered.

“You won’t ask why I hit you?”

“I already know. Everything is my fault. I no you both still love each other, and here I am again, creating problems for everyone. I’m really sorry Jean.”

“You know that these depreciating, depressing remarks make me more irritated at you, right?”

I didn’t answer.

“Are you blind, Rein?! For how long do you plan to be this stupid??”

I cringed at her choice of words.

“You think your love for him is so great? What’s so great about it, you tell me!”

I looked at her, confused.

“Jean, I don’t know what you’re driving at..”

“You don’t know a thing, Rein! Because you’re a coward! A selfish coward! You made a declaration and ran away before. Now you’re running away again. Just when Rev needed you the most! You think you love him so much, but think again. Think hard! What have you ever done for him that is synonymous to your so called love??”

I was taken aback. Yes, Jean is right, of course. I’m too absorbed in my own fear of getting hurt and be left behind. I’m too cowardly that I wouldn’t risk anything. I ran away because I feared rejection without really trying. I never really tried to communicate Rev what I truly felt.

But, did Jean know I was running away again? If she did, how?

“Ever since, Rein, it was always Rev doing things for you. Protecting you, helping you, assisting you, accompanying you, caring for you, loving you,” she smiled bitterly. “Yes, you heard it right, he loved you. And I think he always will. You’ll always come first. He’ll ditch our date to watch you perform in your theater club, or accompany you during press work, or help you buy your groceries.. You were just too cowardly to see all that. You didn’t even realize that whenever I am sulking and upset, even those instances, he used them as an alibi to keep you beside him. Always under the pretense that he needed you to help him come up with grand plans to make up with me, even when he knew I never needed any grand gesture from him. All it takes to appease me was a simple sorry.”

“Jean, stop! Do you realize what you’re doing? You’re almost accusing Rev of using you!”

“I’m not ACCUSING him, Rein. I’m TELLING you. It’s a fact. And it’s something I’ve proven. I did not break up with him because I was mad for what you did. It was an act of desperation on my part.”

I stared at her with wide shocked eyes.

“Why are you doing this?” I asked.

“Because I love him. I still do. And that love is so great that I’m willing to disregard my pride and endure my pain just so the woman he loves would realize how much she’s hurting the guy that I love. And yes, I want him to be happy, cliché as it may sound. Even if it means I would give up on my happiness.”

I groped for words but I was unsuccessful. I just stood there, motionless, staring dumbly at her.

She clicked her tongue and shook her head in disbelief. Then she remembered to sit and pulled me beside her.

“Rein, I didn’t mean to shout at you. I just.. got frustrated.”

I can see that she is having a hard time. I know that this must be hurting her, but she wanted to say what she has to say.

“Jean..” I reached out for her hand. “You don’t have to say anything anymore if it hurts.”

“I have to tell you this, Rein. He deserves all the love you can give. Please fight for him. From your own fears. I know you have this deeply rooted fear of abandonment because of what happened to your parents. That they both left you behind when they went their separate ways. I know you don’t think anyone could ever love you, because not even your parents did. But Rein, you fail to see that Rev has always loved you. Please think of him for once. He is worth the try, all the risk, all the pain. Stop running away.”

I closed my eyes tightly. I know I’m going to run away again. Dike I promised Auntie Eva, I will stay away from him. Because I always bring him disaster, like a bad omen. Maybe I also caused my parents’ separation. Maybe I was always the cause of unfortunate events to people who are around me.

“That night..” I heard Jean say and I opened my eyes. “At the beach, when you started singing at him, his expression confirmed my suspicions. The way he stared at you while you were singing, he was dazed and giddy and he completely forgot that I was just there, in front of him. Earlier that night, he said there was something important he needed to tell me. And by instinct, I knew he was going to break up with me. Se when I ran and he followed me, I confronted him. All the frustrations, all my suspicions.. I let it all out.” Jean took a deep breath. She blinked back her tears.

“I wanted him to deny those things. I wanted him to assure me that I was the one he really loves. But when I dared him to break up with me, he said sorry for hurting me and that he really tried to love me. He slapped me with the truth that night. We’ve been going out for how many years, but he never loved me. I was enraged. I accused him of using me. And he just hugged me and begged for forgiveness. Do you know how it felt?”

“I’m sorry Jean. I’m really sorry.”

She smiled bitterly. “I still did not give up. Because you talked to me a few days after and told me that you will be leaving. I thought I still have a chance. I had my hopes up when you said that he hated you for what you did, and that Rev loves me. I knew then, that I should have clarified things with you. That he never did, and that somewhere between the two of you, there is a misunderstanding going on,” she stopped to breathe.

“But instead, I took advantage of that situation. Because I thought that when you’re gone, he will learn to love me. I asked him to see me, to talk to me. I begged for us to get back together so that I can help him forget you. But he rejected me.”

Jean started crying, and guilt gripped me.

“It’s been years, but I kept on waiting for him. I was even thankful when I heard you were getting married with someone else. But when that incident happened, I realized that for him, no one can replace you. He’s willing to die for you even if all you ever did was hurt him.”

Jean wiped her tears and looked at me, still trying to smile. “That’s why, Rein, you definitely should not let go of that man. He’s rare.”

I looked down in regret when I remembered Auntie Eva. ‘That man,’ I thought bitterly, ‘is not within my grasp anymore.’

Jean did not stay long. She left after she calmed herself, and I was left troubled. Why is everything getting more complicated? I am having a hard time absorbing everything she said.

My thoughts were interrupted when my phone rang. My assistant is calling me.

“Yes, Ara?”

My forehead creased at what she said in the other line. “What?? Why would they.. I thought.. No! We agreed that they will extend the term!”

I touched my temple as I listen more to what Ara is saying. When we finished talking, I reached for the sofa and slowly lowered myself to find support. My head was aching when I woke up earlier, and it is throbbing even more now that a problem in my business came up out of nowhere.

I put up a business when I first came back to the country. I opened few restaurants. I had agreements with my suppliers that they will give me a credit term of one year for the first year of operation. Of course, that time, I was still Bryan’s fiancee. Obviously, without his name to back me up, my suppliers want to back out from the agreement. My mistake is that I did not get the deal on paper. Their invoices, on the other hand, are termed 30 days, and it has been 60 days past due sans the agreement.

Every last penny I ever made in the last five years were invested into this venture. And there’s not enough cash in the bank to cover for my payable.

On top of that, someone spread the word that the company is losing. My employees mass resigned. I’ve been out of the office for so long because of everything that happened, and I didn’t know that things are already messy at the office.

“Mam, my resignation letter is on your table, too.” Ara’s last words kept ringing in my mind.

Once again, I’m left with nothing and no one. It felt like I’m sinking in a quicksand. My head wants to burst from all this thinking.

I dialed Ara’s number again.

“Ara, can you get me Henney Foods’ number. I will talk to Mr. Abenson.” I was referring to our biggest supplier. If I get him to trust me, the smaller suppliers might give me extension, too.

Ara forwarded me his number. I quickly called the office of Henney Foods. I think his secretary would still remember me.

“Cathy, can I have an appointment with Mr. Abenson today? Anytime today.”

“Ms. Romualdez, the Company already changed its management. Mr. Abenson is no longer connected with us.”

I was left speechless. Spell bad news.

“Then with your new boss? Can I talk to your new boss?”

Cathy was gone from the line for a minute. When she came back, she told me that I can come anytime.

I took a shower to freshen up and then got ready to go to Henney Foods main office. I was already in the lobby when I remembered that I did not get from Cathy the name of her new boss. I tried to contact her again, but her line is busy. I decided to just proceed.

“Ms. Romualdez,” Cathy’s smile is sympathetic. Maybe she noticed my puffy eyes. Well, I can’t do anything about it, my eyes are like that. I’m sure it will take a few days before the swelling subsides.

“Rein?”

I twirled around when I heard Rev’s voice.

I miss him. I want to run to him and hug him but I stood rooted to my spot.

“R-Rev.. How are you?”

He was just staring at me. I allowed my eyes to roam on his face. It’s been a month when I last saw him. He lost weight. His accusing eyes look at me with sadness.

“Why didn’t you come visit me at the hospital?” he asked.

I looked away and ignored his question. “W-Why are you here?”

“Uh..” he glanced at the envelop he’s holding. “This was delivered to my office this morning. It was addressed to Mama but was sent to me by mistake.”

“But why are you here? Your office is way off.”

Instead of answering me, he stepped towards me. My heart beat furiously when he suddenly pulled me into a hug. I was confused.

“Don’t worry about your company. I’ll take care of this. This is Mama’s scheme, I’ll talk to her.”

“What.. do.. you.. mean?” I glanced at the closed door to the office of the new boss of Henney Foods. Auntie Eva is not inside that, right? It’s not possible. She’s not that kind of person. My mind just wouldn’t accept it.

“Rein, whatever it is you’re going through, I am here. Stay here. I will talk to Mama for her to stop this madness,” there was anger in Rev’s voice.

I blinked once, twice and I kept on blinking but my tears just wouldn’t stop.

“Shh..” he embraced me again. As usual, his embrace is warm and comforting.

“Rev!” we both turned around when we heard Auntie Eva’s furious voice. She’s holding her door open. “What stupidity is this?!”

“Ma, I’m the one who should be asking that. What stupidity is this?” Rev raised his the envelop in his hand. Then he turned to me. “Wait for me here.” He walked to his mother and went inside her office.

Auntie Eva followed him. She didn’t even glance my way as if I don’t exist.

“Ma’m, you can sit down here,” Cathy helped me to the nearest chair when she saw that I was shaking.

“Thanks, Cathy.” I forced a smile.

“Rev, what are you doing, trying to act a hero to that woman again?!” I can hear Auntie Eva’s words. I don’t know if she forgot or just didn’t realize that she left the door slightly ajar. Or did she intend for me to hear their conversation?

“Ma, we’re not talking about any other woman here. We’re talking about Rein! Why are you being like that??” Rev matched the tone of his mother. This is the first time I heard him raise his voice on her. I can’t help but think how bad of an influence I am to him.

“Why would you care so much? How dare she come to you for help again!”

“She did not ask for my help. I learned of it because your documents were delivered to me!” he threw the documents on the table.

“Why are you so concerned? All I want is for her to stay away from you. This way, she’ll have no choice but to leave the country again.”

“By robbing her of everything she has?! Ma, you were even there to cut the ribbons when she opened her business, and now you just destroyed it out of whim?”

“It’s for a reason! A very important reason and that is you! If you worry too much about her, I assure you that she has a lot of other alternatives available for her. She wouldn’t even have to suffer, all she has to do is get back together with Bryan and viola! She wouldn’t need to worry about anything else in her life!”

I clenched my fist against my chest. It is so painful to hear those hurtful words from the person you love like your mother. It stings.

“How can you talk like that about her? You loved her like a daughter. You don’t believe what you’re saying, Ma.”

“I loved her. Like my own daughter, Rev. You know how much I did. But look what my doting on her had put you through? You are my son, Rev. I love you more than anyone else. And she brings danger in your life. Do you imagine how I felt when I saw you covered in blood just because you took the bullet that was meant for her?” Auntie Eva’s voice shook as she recalled the incident. Even I felt a shiver when I thought of what happened.

“That time, I died, son. And I realized I should take action. I know both of you will be hurt, but this I must do. Because I love you so much, son. I know I’m doing the right thing meddling with your life now.”

This is too much. I cannot take this anymore. I cannot argue with her words. I cannot even get angry at her, because the truth is, I understand her. She will always be a mother figure to me and it will never change. Even if she hates me now. She hates me so much now, it hurts like hell.

I ran towards the exit. I cannot look at Rev again. Auntie Eva was right, I should stay away from Rev. I cannot bear to bring him more harm now.