Chapter 28 — River, Rogue, and Rocks

Tess had always loved the river in the mornings when the creatures were waking up. The katydid and cicadas buzzed loudly. Still, it seemed a little eerie in the fog. Tess rolled up her old faded blue jeans and stepped across the black river rocks that were worn smooth by the ravages of the river.

Tess started when she heard Sawyer call out to her. “Hey, those rocks are slippery. Remember, you have two broken ribs.”

She waved and gestured for him to cross over. “There’s a mossy rock we can sit on. I used to come here and sketch.” She started to take his hand but stopped.

“Great spot.” Sawyer sat down next to her with the grace of the physically fit.

 When he pulled her close and hugged her, she blushed. The hug stirred emotions in her, but she knew she needed to clarify that she was there for closure and not start their relationship all over again. But first, she needed to hear him out. 

“Was there something, in particular, you wanted to talk about?” she asked.

Sawyer looked directly at her, his dark eyes showing flecks of anger. “I think you owe me an explanation. The first day I saw you walking down that dusty road with your dog, I thought to myself that this was a woman I could go for—you were drop-dead gorgeous—yet you appreciated the simple things in life. You loved the country. Once you met Richard, everything changed. The next thing I knew, you were on your way to New York. You went with my family, but I knew it was all about Richard. And when you got back, I could see it in your face that something had happened.”

Until that moment, Tess had not thought about Sawyer’s feelings regarding her going to New York. Instead, she had been fixated on his behavior over Stephanie at the dinner. “I’m sorry, Sawyer. We weren’t intimate if that’s what you think.”

“Maybe you weren’t intimate, but something happened. I lost you,” Sawyer said, plucking at the moss. “What happened to ‘us? I’m still in a fog.”

Tess bit her lip, not sure where to begin. “Well, you weren’t honest with me, Sawyer. Don’t you think you should have told me you murdered a man? It was quite a shock, but I loved you. I would have forgiven you for anything. The worst thing was finding out that it wasn’t over with you and Stephanie. I was hoping you’d settle it with her, but it didn’t happen that way.”

Sawyer looked up into the sky as if searching for answers. Tess was torn. He looked so lost. Part of her wanted to comfort him, and part of her knew that would be unfair, given why she was there.

“Tess,” he said, his voice broken, “I made a big mistake. I told Stephanie I loved her the first night I met her. I made promises I couldn’t keep. Afterward, when she pushed for a commitment, I felt trapped. She called me a rogue, and I guess that’s what I am. I tell myself that I don’t love her, and I want it to be over. I’ve broken it off over and over, but she keeps coming back, and it starts all over again.” He paused and closed his eyes as if he were trying to find the strength to go on. “When I told you it was over, I meant it. But then I saw her at the dinner, and she was persistent. She was jealous of you. I was afraid she was going to make a scene and tell Daniel what had happened between us.”

“I know,” Tess said, putting her head on his shoulder, feeling his pain. The rock they were sitting on was the only solid thing. She felt Sawyer sway with emotion, and she didn’t have the strength to right him. “We talked about it that night; I forgave you. I thought everything was good, Sawyer.”

“It was good. I had such a feeling of relief when you forgave me.” His eyes left the river, and his look told her he was about to say something horrible—like a man who was about to dig his own grave.

 “Tess, I have to be truthful. I was with Stephanie while you were away. That weekend Daniel and Marguerite put Stephanie in a psychiatric facility and ordered electroshock treatment. Somehow, she escaped, called me, and I picked her up. Stephanie had a breakdown. She was hysterical. She spent the first night with me, and the next morning, I drove her to Thomas’s.”

Tess sighed. She felt sympathy for Stephanie. “How cruel. Did they do the electroshock? It sounds dreadful.”

“No,” he said. “Stephanie escaped before they could do the treatment. Thank God.” He paused. “Daniel insists it’s the right thing to do. It alters brain waves to relieve psychiatric disorders. The psychiatrist recommended it.”

“She seemed fine at Marsha’s.”

“She’s not. She stayed with Thomas for several days. Daniel persuaded her to come home, but she was miserable. I’m at my wits’ end. The night she came to me—I had to hold her the entire night. She’s still in love with me.” He looked like he had the world on his shoulders when he said, “I can’t deny her.”

“You made love to her?” Tess asked, feeling her anger rising.

“Yes. It calms her.” He said it like it was nothing, as if he’d made her a cup of tea.

“Mary Mother of God,” Tess said, “a bath is very calming. You don’t use sex as a tonic to calm a woman when you’re in love with another woman. You are a rogue, Sawyer.”

 Tess felt like an idiot for meeting with him. What he had with Stephanie was bizarre. He was her crutch, and he couldn’t refuse her. She knew she should leave before she said anything even more hurtful, but the words gushed from her like the river beside her.

 “Don’t you realize you’re not helping Stephanie? You’re in a crazy cycle—breaking up, making up, and torturing each other. It’s all very sick, Sawyer.” 

Tess had a sinking feeling in her stomach. Drowning in misery, she looked at the river. Tess hated Sawyer at that moment. All she wanted was to put as much distance between her and Sawyer as possible. She stood up too fast and winced as the muscles around her broken ribs contracted.

Sawyer looked up at her with a pained expression. “Don’t hate me, Tess. I love you. I’ve loved you from the first moment I set eyes on you.”

Tess’s lip trembled. The fight had gone out of her. “Maybe you love me, Sawyer, but I think you love Stephanie, too. I think you always have. It would never have worked.”

“You’re wrong, Tess,” he said. “We can make it work.”

“I won’t be part of a triangle, Sawyer. It’s over.” Her voice held firmness and resolve, but it pained her to say the words.

Tess blindly stepped away. Too far. She fell off the rock and into the river, but she didn’t panic. The water felt cool, and she let the current gently carry her downstream—away from Sawyer. She could hear Sawyer’s panicked voice calling after her, and she swam to the bank and climbed out feeling refreshed. She turned and waved to Sawyer standing on the rock.

“Goodbye,” she shouted.

“I love you, Tess,” he shouted back.

Empty words. What did a rogue know of love? Sawyer’s words meant nothing to her without resolve, constraint, and proper actions. Yet she knew she would miss him: his boyish grin, his earthiness, and how the simplest things made him happy. Her heart would skip a beat when he would say, “It doesn’t matter where I am, Steph. I look at the moon and the sun, and I think you’re with me—under the same sun and moon. We’re always together.”

Tess bit her lip, feeling bitter. Did he mean it? Does a rogue ever really mean what they say? She knew she had to leave her bitterness at the creek, or it would eat at her and make her sick. She realized her shoulders were slumped and straightened them, swinging her arms, as she walked along following the creek towards the cabin. 

 A swim in the river always made her feel better, though she’d never swum with her blue jeans on. The cool water must have helped her ribs. The sun shone on her face. Her wet clothes clung to her body, and her hair drenched, but she didn’t care. Owl Creek was her home. A place of healing. She had a sense of renewal as she walked along.

She grabbed the extra key from under a rock near the house, took off her wet shoes at the door, and opened it. She left the door open to let the breeze in and padded upstairs to take a shower. Even the droplets of dried blood on the stairs didn’t dampen her spirits. She would clean up the mess—just like she had cleaned up the last mess in her life.

Tess turned up the jets on the new shower head that Sawyer had installed, enjoying the stinging sensation. She bathed in lavender soap and washed and conditioned her hair. The fresh towel felt soft against her skin. She had just turned the blow dryer off when she thought she heard the screen door close. Sure it was Richard, she grabbed her white chenille robe and padded down the stairs.

Tess’s eyes widened in astonishment when she saw Stephanie standing in the foyer, a glazed look in her eyes. 

“What are you doing here?” Tess demanded as she pulled her robe around her tight.