Chapter 179 179

Chapter 179 179
“It isn’t like that,” he says, shaking his head. “Tonight is the first time he has dropped by. Ever. And it’s only the second time I’ve seen him since I was a kid. He saw our wedding announcement in the paper and wanted to come offer his congratulations.”

“You haven’t seen him since you were a kid, but he came to congratulate you on getting married? Am I still asleep? Because none of this is making any sense at all.”

“It’s because I’m doing a shitty job of explaining it.” For the first time, I see a shot of anxiety streak through Nikolai. He drags his hand through his hair. “He came to see me because I visited him a little while ago. I’d just found out you were pregnant and that I was going to be a dad, and I wanted to see him. That kind of opened the door, I guess.”

“Okay,” I breathe, setting that aside to process later. “So what’s true then?”

“My mom really died, and my dad lost it. He couldn’t handle that she died and he couldn’t do anything to stop it. He fell into drugs and drinking. Anything to numb the pain.”

“Wow. He must have really loved her,” I say softly.

Nikolai’s attention snaps to me. His gray eyes are narrowed. “He did. And it destroyed his life.”

“Well, love didn’t do that—” I start to say.

He interrupts me. “My father was beyond help. In many ways, it would have been easier if he’d died.”

“He abandoned you,” I guess.

Nikolai nods. “I was just a kid, and I lost both my parents in one fell swoop. He was too far gone to care much about me, but I cut him out of my life anyway. Everything else I’ve ever told you is true. I grew up as if he was dead. I made it without him.”

The panic starts to fade as the admission settles. “So your dad is alive. Is he going to be part of your life now?”

“Not in any way that matters,” he says. “I’ve learned everything I need to learn from him. Mostly how not to live my life.”

For the first time, I can imagine Nikolai as a little kid. I can see him scared and alone, making his way through the world without anyone there to guide him.

I reach out to stroke my fingers through his hair, but he turns his head at the last second. I curl my hand into a fist and let it fall against the mattress. “You’re a better man than he could ever be, Nikolai. You’re loyal and dependable. You take care of people.”

“I’m not worried about being like him,” he snaps. “I’m nothing like him. I’m not going to abandon my children. I’m going to make the world better for them.”

“Children?”

Nikolai’s expression is open and vulnerable, but as soon as I voice that silly question, I watch it shutter closed.

“Child,” he growls. “I only have the one. Unless you have a secret you’re keeping.”

“No, just the one. For now,” I say gently. “But we could have more… if you wanted. We could have a family.”

The idea settles over me like a warm blanket. The image of a whole brood of dark-haired, gray-eyed babies is enough to bring tears to my eyes. Though that could be the pregnancy hormones speaking.

I want it. All of it. I want a future with Nikolai, and I’m tired of tiptoeing around that fact.

“Do you want a family?” I press. “Would you want more children?”

His jaw works side to side. “I don’t know what I want, Belle.”

Some small part of my mind is waving a red flag, trying to warn me off. But I’m too high on this night. Nikolai dropped tens of millions of dollars on a wedding gift for me and we spent one of the most passionate hours of my life together.

Even if he can’t say it, he feels it. I know he does.

“Well, I know exactly what I want,” I say, charging ahead. “I want you, Nikolai. I want the whole happy picture with you. I—I love you.”

I hold the words out to him like my own little gift. Waiting for him to take them, to do something with them. Waiting for him to do anything to let me know he feels the same way.

There’s one moment where I believe he might say it back. When all my hope hangs in the balance.

Instead, Nikolai’s top lip curls. “Then you’re with the wrong man.”

The next few seconds pass in slow motion.

I feel the smile slip from my face bit by bit as his words sink in. I shake my head. “No—what does that mean?”

“I’m never going to have a picture-perfect family, Belle. I’ll never give you that.”

I shake my head, trying to push away what he’s saying. “You can, Nikolai. You’re not your dad. Remember what you said? You’ll be there for me and your kids.”

“I’ll never abandon my child,” he corrects, his voice cold and flat. “And I’ll take care of you. But—”

“But.” I draw away from him, sliding off the edge of the bed and landing on shaky legs on the floor. “But… you don’t want this?”

His full lips press together into a flat, silent line.

And the world around me starts to crumble.

“I thought you… I thought we wanted the same things.” Tears burn the backs of my eyes, but I blink them away. “You didn’t want me to go to Iceland. You wanted me to stay here with you. And the building… My dad’s name is on the building. The wedding gift.”

My words are becoming more and more disjointed. As my world falls apart, so does my ability to form full sentences.

Nikolai shrugs. “I don’t want you to be miserable. So I let you stay. But that doesn’t mean…”

His voice trails off, and oh God, how bad can it be that even Nikolai doesn’t want to say the words aloud? The man has killed people with his bare hands. If he can’t tell me what he’s thinking, then what he’s thinking must be devastating. He’s trying to spare me, but there’s no saving this.

I’m already lost.

“Oh my God.” I press both hands to my chest to keep my heart from lurching out of my ribcage. “You’re… you don’t love me. Okay. Alright.”

My head is bouncing like a bobblehead, but none of this is okay. I’ll never be alright.

“How did I convince myself you loved me?” I ask with a wheezing kind of chuckle. “I am so, so stupid. I can’t believe I… I’m sorry.”

Nikolai is sitting on the bed and watching me. That makes it even worse.

He’s not trying to talk me down or correct my assumption. He’s sitting quietly while the reality sinks in.

He doesn’t love me.

He never did.

I turned this into something it wasn’t.

Embarrassment swiftly turns to rage. I set my jaw, clenching my teeth purely so I won’t sob. “Well? Are you going to say something?”

“I… I never wanted to hurt you, Belle.”

At that, I bark out a laugh. “Well, thanks, I guess. That doesn’t help at all. But at least you didn’t mean to rip out my heart and stomp on it. You just did it.”