40 ~ Sour as a Byronic Hero-2

"I-I don't-" I wanted to take everything back when I saw the hurt on the face, but I didn't. I kept going and I didn't know why. "Think, Lottie. Did I ever tell you that I loved you?" Lottie's hands shook, and I had to lock my jaw and look away. "No," she whispered. "You didn't." "And why do you think that was?" My voice was cruel, reminiscent of how I used to be before I met her. I saw a spark of stubborn Lottie come up, and she snapped, "Because you are a dumb fuck." I wanted to laugh at her profanity . I wanted to sweep her off her feet and listen to her side and tell her I loved her, but I kept seeing Rick's face, and I kept seeing how at loss for words she was when he said he was her boyfriend. And the gigantic asshole inside me was able to spit those horrible, untrue words: "Because I don't love you." I didn't think I had ever done anything that had hurt her as much as when I spoke those last five words, and it killed me. "That's a lie, Benjamin Fisher, and you know it," she said, but her voice shook. "And so was your 'I love you,'" I shot back. "I'm done, Lottie. I'm done, okay?" I held up my hands and started backing up to my car. She put her hands on her hips and her eyes flashed. "So at the very beginning of conflict, you're going to run away? What's wrong with you? Why won't you listen to me?" "I watched as some man told you how much he loved you and how you were going to go home to him later, and how you denied none of it. I think I've listened to enough." "Well you know what I think?" "I don't care." She ignored me and kept speaking. "I think you're just looking for a way out! Because you're scared, aren't you?" "Oh, so you're a psychologist too? Why don't you analyse my mind some more and tell me exactly what my problem is?" "I just did, and you know it's true!" I clenched my fists and threw open my car door. I couldn't think anymore. I had to get out of here. "Bye Charlotte. Have a nice life." "Ben, wait, please." When I heard her voice break, I lost it. I knew that if I looked at her, I would drop everything and run to her. I couldn't do that, though. I couldn't just stand by and listen as someone else I loved chose something else over me. It had happened too many times, and I didn't know how much more I could take. I had to get out. And so I did. I started up the engine and drove, not looking back once. *** "I hope you know that you're an idiot," Clark said in a deadpan. My head ached and so did my heart but I refused to admit it. "Yeah, how did it take me so long to figure out the girl already had a fucking boyfriend?" It made my insides churn. I'd kissed her and held her. I'd spilled my guts to her. I'd laid myself bare to her and after all that? A boyfriend. Jesus Christ. Her scoffed. "Honestly, Benjamin, you're a jackass." "We just established that, and you're an insensitive prick," I snapped. "You didn't stay to hear what she had to say?" I collapsed onto the sofa and crossed my arms. "No." "God, Ben, why?" I glared at him. The one time I needed him to be sympathetic was the one time he wasn't. "Shut up." "Ben, stop being a child for just a second, please? You fucking love the girl, and clearly she had something to tell you. But you just drove the fuck away." "Clark, what part of 'she has a boyfriend,' is so hard for you to understand? I couldn't stay there and listen to her tell me that I'm stupid for even falling for her, for thinking I could ever be good enough for her. That guy was a prick, but I've heard of him. Rick Bienvenue. His father owns a huge oil corporation and he goes to this really expensive private university that his grandfather founded and he's studying to be a fucking lawyer. And what do I have to offer her? Nothing." Clark stared at me for a moment. "Poor bastard," he muttered. I moved to punch his stomach, but he grabbed my arm and sat on me so that I wouldn't move. "There's seriously nobody who was ever gotten you as flustered as Charlie, huh?" I looked down, and a small sigh escaped me. "Yeah," I said quietly. I felt exhausted and drained and didn't know what to do. I wanted to just sleep for twelve years. What was this feeling? "Heartbreak. It's never easy, but you should have been the bigger person and listened to her side," Clark said. Heartbreak. No girl has ever broken my heart before, and now it was from literally the sweetest person on the planet? What were the odds? "I probably should've," I agreed, just so he would shut up. But no matter how I replayed it in my mind, I couldn't think I could have ever stayed there after hearing what I did. But I wouldn't have said so many cruel things. I wouldn't have. Lottie's hurt face hurt more than actually being hurt. If that made sense. Clark stared at me with a goofy smile. "You've gone soft," he observed. I folded my arms. "Have not." "Have so! You think I've forgotten the way you look at her?" There was no way it could be that obvious. "And how do I look at her?" "You get super gentle and soft. It's really weird and a bit disgusting, to be honest." I looked away and shrugged. "Well, that never helped me, did it?"