Chapter 9
He wasn’t sure what she’d say. Part of him knew it was against the rules, and she must have known it was against the rules, but he’d asked like a good little sub, and she’d given him permission, and oh God, she tastes so good and—
The kiss deepened as he leaned in and wrapped his arms around her, pulled her off the chair to straddle his lap as they sat on the floor.
His hands tangled in her hair as he held her tight, devouring every inch of her mouth, stealing her breath away.
She was hot, burning up, her skin scorching his as he pressed against her, reached down and cupped her ass through that silk and lace. A moan escaped her lips, and he hesitated only a second before squeezing again, snaking his fingers through those fishnet stockings that had teased him for so long.
Alex’s head spun.
His fantasy woman had just given herself to him.
And Kate was one hell of a reality to have his hands on.
For her part, she wasn’t sitting still either, letting him do all the work.
Her left hand went to the back of his neck, squeezing tight as her right hand came up to rest on his chest, one finger tugging on the metal ring hanging from the front of his collar and drawing him onward.
Kate’s hips thrust forward, colliding with his as Alex pulled her onto him, pulled her into him.
She bucked against him, and he knew, he just knew she was close to coming on him, with him, as he’d imagined on all those lonely nights. All he had to do was—
Kate pulled her lips free with a wet pop and looked at him with bleary, bloodshot eyes, dazed and confused. Her forehead furrowed as she glared at him.
“No.”
He flinched as if she’d slapped him, the dream scenario falling to pieces around them like a stained-glass window hit with buckshot.
She pushed him away and scrambled to her feet, brushing down the front of his T-shirt. Her hand went to her mouth and brushed her lips as if he’d scalded her.
“I have to go.” Kate spun around and ran to the couch. She snatched up her raincoat and pulled it on.
Alex watched her, still sitting on the floor.
She dug in her duffle bag and came up with the key. It flew across the room toward him, an easy catch. “I have to go,” she repeated, as if saying it twice would somehow explain herself to him.
Kate dashed from the room. A second later, Alex heard the front door slam shut.
He reached up behind him and unlocked his collar before slowly stripping it off. The leather restraint rested in his hand as he heard a car engine rev and race, signaling her departure.
Alex lay down on the ground, clutching the collar.
What the hell just happened—
Did I just screw this up beyond repair?
You have to leave him.
The tiny voice droned over and over in her mind as Kate drove back to her condo.
It wasn’t like there wasn’t precedent. Hooded Pleasures encouraged their customers to consider a change every once in a while, the chance to take a new Domme always on the table.
Becoming too emotionally involved was always a danger.
It was why the company had such a high turnover. Subs would leave to go to clubs and find a new lover; Dommes would burn out from being tempted to form a relationship and they’d quit.
Am I burning out?
She found herself in her bathroom without remembering how she got there, auto piloting back home while her mind wandered. She couldn’t recall anything after getting into the car at Alex’s place and pulling onto the street.
Kate glared at herself and shook her head.
This was dangerous territory.
It wasn’t only unsafe for her to zone out, it was for others too. If she blanked out and caused an accident or got into one—
Kate closed her eyes and shuddered.
This was unacceptable, not only as an employee but also as a sane human being. God knows she’d gotten lucky this time and not gotten anyone hurt or killed.
Next time, she might not win that particular lottery.
She pulled off Alex’s T-shirt. It lay limp in her hands, daring her to keep it as a souvenir.
Kate pressed it to her mouth.
Her imagination ran into overdrive, laying out the various scenarios she’d created with him, about him.
She could have stayed with him, had him on the floor of his living room like she’d dreamed about. Fallen asleep in his arms and woken up in time to eat cold pizza and make love again before going back online and enjoying the fruit of their shared labors.
The harsh reality crashed down on her with the intensity of a lightning bolt.
No.
He’s not for you.
You’re not good enough for him.
Kate stuffed the shirt in the garbage before stripping down. She got into the shower, turning on the cold water almost full blast.
She scrubbed her skin raw, determined to remove any last bits of Alex’s scent from her. Her mind spun the lies she needed to keep herself sane.
She’d taken advantage of him and broken her own rule.
The rule she’d been so careful to lay out to him the first time they’d met.
I will not go to jail because you can’t control yourself.
She wasn’t afraid of actually going to jail—that was an empty threat used to keep him in line. HP’s strict entrance procedures did a good job of weeding out clients who just wanted sex. The law she’d quoted him was on the books, but she couldn’t imagine a police sting operation would bust one of HP’s Doms by tricking him into having sex with a client.
The rule was there to remind both of them of the emotional barrier they had to maintain. Once you became intimate, the relationship would change, evolve into something much deeper.
Something much harder to let go when it was time to move on.
And Alex, eventually, would move on.
The aching between her legs persisted, begging for relief.
No, she berated herself. No rewards for breaking the rules.
Kate turned off the water and stepped out, dripping on the floor. She picked up a towel and dried herself off with as much vigor as she had showering.
Her lips tingled. She resisted touching them, reliving the experience.
It wasn’t his fault.
He hadn’t done a damned thing wrong.
He’d asked to kiss her, and she’d agreed to it, allowed him to.
It was all her fault.
All. Your. Fault.
“Damn it,” Kate announced to the empty apartment. She grabbed a robe before heading to the kitchen.
The cold coffee sloshed over the edge of the cup as she maneuvered it into the microwave. She ignored the mess and hit the keys to warm it up.
As the mug spun around and around, Kate picked up the phone and called Tracy.
“I need a break. Two weeks.”
“Sure.” There were no questions, no interrogation. “I’ll take care of the details. May Wendy call you?”
It was phrased politely, but Kate knew it wasn’t a question. Wendy would want to know what was going on, if this was a momentary break in her employment or foreplay to resignation, given Kate’s recent issues.
Wendy had handed Alex to her, and Kate had abused that trust.
“Please.” She cut the connection before Tracy could reply.
She’d screwed up big-time, and there was no going back.
No going back to Alex.
The microwave beeped.
Kate grabbed the mug and swore, the hot ceramic burning her hand. She barely got it out onto the counter before releasing it.
She turned the cold water on and let it run over her hand and swirl around the sink before disappearing down the drain.
The club.
She could always go back to the club. Or get a membership at another one. There were three clubs in Toronto, and she could easily pass the security check and afford the fees for the other two.
Kate sighed, the thought sending a chill through her bones. To walk into another BDSM club and have people look at her, ask about her, talk about her—
It wasn’t time.
If not now, when?
She screamed at her inner voice to be quiet and dumped the coffee in the sink.
There was an unopened bottle of wine in the refrigerator.
A better choice.
Kate settled herself on the sofa a few minutes later with a glass of white wine, the soft white robe wrapped around her in a tight embrace. She picked up the television remote and spun around the dial, finally landing on a marathon of cooking shows.
She didn’t need to know how to poach salmon, but it was better than trying to think about what she’d done.
The phone rang an hour later.
Kate looked at the caller identification.
Wendy.
She jabbed a finger at the phone display.
“Did he say something? If Alex—” The sharpness of Wendy’s tone cut through the air, her anger causing her to cut thoughts off in mid-sentence. “If he—”
“No,” Kate said. “It’s not him, it’s me.”
Wendy paused. “I’m listening.”
“I broke the rules.” The words sounded childish as if she were detailing a playground conflict.
“I see.”
Kate frowned at the lack of prompting. “Don’t you want to know what happened?”
“Yes.”
Kate paused for a second, gathering her thoughts. “I sort of, ah—”
Wendy laughed. “Kate, we paddle butts for a living. We put nipple clamps on our men and strap leather bands around their balls. We should be past the point of embarrassment by now, okay?”
Kate couldn’t help smiling at her wording.
It was hard to put what had happened into words, the feelings still a jumbled rush in her mind and heart.
“I kissed him.”
“You kissed each other. I’m assuming it wasn’t one-sided.”
“Alex. Oh God.” Kate shivered, unable to banish the memory fully.
“Kate.” Wendy’s sharp tone brought her back down to earth with a crash. “Did he force himself on you?”
“No. Not at all.” She couldn’t help smiling at Wendy’s wording. “He didn’t force anything. It was all on me, all my fault.” She couldn’t hold back a sigh. “He had to safe-word out of our session due to a business crisis. I stayed because it was something I could help him with.”
“I see.”
Kate flinched inside at Wendy’s curious tone. “I should have left but he ordered pizza and I was helping other players online and then we finished the job and he rubbed my shoulders and then he asked if he could kiss me and—” She paused, out of breath.
“I see.” Wendy waited a few seconds before continuing. “And then?”
“It got complicated.” She felt her cheeks begin to burn at the memory. “I broke it off and ran.” Kate shook her head. “I grabbed my equipment and ran.”
“Understandable,” Wendy said. “So you have feelings for him. Far beyond just for the job, yes?”
The directness of the question took her aback. “I—I don’t know.”
“Do you think he feels the same? Or was it a spur-of-the-moment thing, a one-time reaction to the circumstances?” Her tone softened. “These things do happen. You get all caught up in the emotions and react. People kiss all the time at big events and never think anything more of it. Could this be one of these moments?”
She couldn’t bring herself to confess Alex’s question from the previous visit.
“What if I wanted to date you?”
She had hidden behind the rules.
What if there were no rules, no contract holding either of them back?
“I don’t know,” Kate said. “I honestly don’t know.”
Kate let the dream of the two of them together drift across her mind before pushing it away.
It wasn’t for her. It could never be for her.
The silence forced Wendy to speak. “You don’t know. I bet you’re thinking you’re not good enough for him, for any man.” She paused and took a long breath before continuing. “Carl was a louse for doing what he did, the way he did it.”
Kate bit down hard on her bottom lip to keep from crying.
“That’s why you took my job offer, to keep doing what you love without any possibility of feeling for someone ever again. Now this is staring you in the face, and you’ve got to figure out what to do about it. You could quit and see if he’s serious about wanting you, all of you, not just the Domme side. But you’re worried about if he rejects you, doesn’t want you outside of the sessions. A kiss is one thing; an ongoing relationship a very different animal.”
Kate swallowed hard.
“You could also stay with Hooded Pleasures and reject him outright, using us as the excuse. That choice I leave up to you.” Wendy continued, “You’ve got to make the call. I won’t fire you and make the decision for you or make you stay and take the blame for it.”
Tears broke free and rolled down Kate’s cheeks as she listened.
“Look into your heart. Tell me what you want to do,” Wendy said. “I leave it totally in your hands, in your control.”
“Two weeks. Give me two weeks clear and free.” Kate twisted the wineglass by the slender stem. “Let me figure myself out without worrying about my other clients. It’s not fair to them if I’m all over the place mentally.”
Wendy hummed her approval. “All right, then. Two weeks off. I’ll send Danielle around to Alex and your other customers for the next two sets of appointments. We’ll tell them you’re ill. You take your time, clear your mind. We’ll talk at the end of your ‘hiatus’ and see where you want to go with this.”
Kate snorted. “Alex isn’t going to buy that I’m sick. It’s only been a few hours since I left him. Since—”
The memories flashed bright and clear in her mind’s eye, desire shooting through her like a lightning strike.
“We’ll deal with Alex,” Wendy replied. “Whether he buys it or not isn’t your problem. You take care of yourself, and we’ll talk about it later.”
“Thank you.” Kate sighed. “I don’t mean to be trouble.”
Wendy giggled, easing the tension. “You’re just human, Kate. Think of it as a test for both you and Alex. He’s new to this. Maybe he imprinted onto you like a lost puppy, falling in love with his first Domme. Don’t forget you’re the one who’s giving him his first real experience. In a situation like that, I can see him falling in love with the image, not you. Not Kate.”
“You think he’s not in love with me?” Kate wasn’t sure what she wanted to hear. If Alex was only infatuated with her Domme persona—
“I know it’s his choice to make. He’s got to figure this out as well. Don’t think your exit didn’t affect him. He’s no fool. He saw you bolt, and now he’s trying to figure out what he thinks, what he feels. He’s got to figure out what he wants for himself, and that you can’t do for him. You can’t tell him what to feel and what to do.”
“I didn’t want to hurt him,” Kate protested.
“You didn’t. You opened his eyes to a brand-new world, something he asked for and wanted. So don’t go punishing yourself on that front,” Wendy said. “I’ve seen this before, Kate. You’re not the first one or the last to get hit with this.”
“Oh.” Kate wasn’t sure whether to be happy or sad at the revelation. There was some comfort in knowing she wasn’t the first employee to have this issue.
“Let’s give you both a time-out and see how you feel in two weeks. I’m sure he’ll be intrigued by Danielle. Maybe it’s the whip more than the whipper he wants.”
“That’s what you think?” Kate said.
“I don’t know what to think, but I do know you need to step away. Let’s give you both a break. Treat yourself to a day spa, get your thoughts together. Figure out what you want. Let us worry about Alex. Call me in two weeks, and we’ll talk again.”
The line went silent.
Kate finished off her wine.
Two weeks.
What would Alex think?
What would Alex do?
She wasn’t sure she wanted to find out.
He’d showered and cleaned up, finished off the last of the pizza and grabbed a cold can of soda before sitting in his living room to try to figure out what the hell just happened.
It was a poor choice of location.
He couldn’t stop glancing at the computer desk. The monitor was running a screensaver now, the fireworks exploding across a virtual space field.
His attention went to the floor, reliving the experience of only a few hours ago.
Right there.
On his floor.
Damn it.
Alex rolled his head back, forcing himself to look at the ceiling.
He snatched up the television remote with his free hand.
What happened?
What the hell happened?
She—
He chewed slowly, trying to wrap his mind around recent events.
For those few hours, she hadn’t been the professional Domme from Hooded Pleasures. Not while she smacked down bullies in the virtual world they shared, talked about her past and let him feed her pizza.
Not when she’d let him kiss her.
He’d kissed the real woman, the real Kate. And, judging from her reaction, she wanted it as much as he had.
Now what?
The phone rang, startling him out of his reverie.
He almost spilled his drink as he scrambled to find the phone, finally retrieving it from between the couch cushions.
“Mr. Hanson?”
He recognized the voice, even though it’d been months since they spoke.
Hooded Pleasures.
“Yes?”
“I’m calling to inform you that Kate is ill and will likely not be available for your appointment next week. We’ll arrange for another—”
Alex frowned. “What do you mean, ill? She was just here a few hours ago.” He rubbed his forehead. “Is this because I had to cancel the appointment? I’m willing to pay for her time even though nothing happened. It was a work emergency, and I—”
The polite voice cut him off. “I received notice Kate was home sick. She became ill after leaving your home. You know some of these flu bugs can sneak up and hit you without any warning.”
Alex didn’t want to tell her he knew bullshit when he heard it.
“When this happens, we like to make alternate arrangements in case she doesn’t recover in time. Your needs come first.” The calm female voice held underlying steel. “If she’s unable to make your next appointment, a substitute will be sent. This is to alert you to the possibility of it happening so you’re not surprised if an alternate appears.”
“I want Kate.” He tried not to sound like a whiny little boy.
He failed.
“Kate, as I said, may not be available. I’m sure Danielle will be a suitable replacement if necessary. We’ll call in the middle of the week if there’s a need for any further updates.” She hesitated. “We’re sorry for the inconvenience.”
“No, no.” He rubbed his forehead, feeling a headache starting. “I’m sorry. I was just—”
“I understand,” the unseen voice said, her tone softening. “We realize this is disappointing and upsetting, but we ask you to at least be flexible for at least one week. Thank you for your help.”
“Yes. Thank you.” Alex looked at the phone, trying to figure out what was going on with Kate.
My Mistress.
Is she? His inner voice whispered, Will you remember her name in a week, or will Danielle take her place?
It was obvious this was an excuse to get out of her next appointment with him. She hadn’t been sick while with him. She’d been very much hale and hearty.
He closed his eyes and heard her moan into his mouth, the sound almost breaking his self-control.
Whatever had happened had broken the link between them, and he knew there was nothing he could do on his end.
All he could hope for was that she’d come back to him.
All he could do was wait.