Chapter 33
Evanna looked to see the other bed empty. She sat up. How long had she been asleep? Leaning over, she moved the curtain and looked outside, it looked like early morning. That shift had been hard. Frowning, she looked around for the journal, she was sure it had been on the table between the beds.
Getting up, she stood there for a moment trying to assess how she felt. There were no sharp pains in her head. Those painkillers were something else. She started for the door and then glanced down to see she was wearing a pink shirt that went to her knees. Leah had been out. Deciding the pink would be acceptable until after she had coffee, she went out into the little kitchen area.
The coffee maker was nothing like her brewing it at home, this was faster, and the taste was more consistent. Home? Where was that now? She’d have to think about that. She was okay with being here, but it didn’t feel like home.
The journal was sitting on the little table that was attached to the floor. Setting the cup beside the gurgling machine, she picked it up and opened it. Her eyes widened, for two days. She’d been gone two days.
She reached internally for Minn and was pleasantly surprised that she was content. Hopefully, she stayed that way because she did not need another forced change if they were going to affect her for two days. What if Leah had needed her in that time? Then what? She silently chastised Minn, things like that wouldn’t do.
The door opened and she spun around the see Jesse standing there grinning. He looked at her face for a moment. “Good morning, Evanna.”
It pleased her more than she could express that he knew from a look which one of them was on the outside. “Hi.” She swatted the hair out of her eyes, this shirt thing didn’t have pockets, so she knew a hair tie wasn’t going to be an option. “I guess that shift knocked me out for a few days.”
“I was worried.” He said quietly as he came all the way in.
“Was everything okay while I was gone?” She wanted to put her hands on her hips but didn’t want to draw attention to what she was wearing.
“Minn behaved.” He reached around her and poured her coffee and then held the cup out to her, “Leah had a few minor moments, but she’s been working hard.”
Evanna took a sip and savored it for a moment. “Working?” What was there for her to work at here?
“Yeah.” He picked up his cup from the sink and rinsed it before pouring some coffee in. “She’s been getting some training on how to communicate with Minn,” he opened a container and added some to his coffee, “and she’s talked to the doctor over the laptop twice now.”
Evanna glanced at the journal, “that would explain why there are so many pages.” She sat down, carefully so the shirt would come with her and cover everything. She stared at the book, seeing it, but not entirely. “I have a lot of gaps,” she confessed quietly, “I’m not used to that.”
Jesse sat down across from her. “If I ask anything you don’t want to talk about, be brutally honest with me about it, okay? The more I understand, the more I can help you.”
She smirked, “brutally honest is part of my charm.” Evanna laughed, “that’s what Aunt Tillie used to tell me.”
“That’s not a bad quality.”
“You really want to help us.” She blew on the hot liquid, “I still have trouble with that.” She leaned forward, “not that I’m complaining, it’s just—new.”
“Many others want to help you too. You’re not alone anymore, Evanna.”
Sucking in a quick breath, she ignored the emotions trying to choke her. “I’m getting that.”
Reaching across the table, he touched her hand, “why did you look so upset when I came in?”
She liked his hand on hers, it was comforting. She’d spent years comforting Leah and Minn, but no one did that for her. “I uh, was angry with myself.”
“For what?”
She watched his eyes; she could tell every word he said was true when she did. “For being gone so long. If-if Leah had needed me...”
“Hey,” he leaned further across the table, “she was never out of my sight the whole time you were gone, I watched over her and will always do that for you and Minn too.”
Her chest felt like it was tightening, but not in a painful way, not really. “I, uh,” she grinned, “I’m not used to that.”
“I know.”
She loved his voice, that soft tone he used, it felt like it vibrated right through her. “It’s going to take some time to get that, you know what I’m saying?”
He didn’t interrupt her, just nodded, while giving her his complete focus. This man was like nothing she could have ever pictured.
“I haven’t read yet, but what if,” she wasn’t sure how to say it and didn’t want to sound stupid or naive around him, “what if I’m not needed anymore with all this help and everything? What if I don’t come out anymore.”
He didn’t laugh at her, and his eyes didn’t falter from hers, “I don’t know as much about this as I’d like to, but it is my understanding that there is no magic or cure for this, managing it isn’t getting rid of it—getting rid of you or Minn, or even Leah.”
“I need to know more.” She looked at the cup because she wasn’t sure what she was feeling. “I’ve always protected Leah, always and when I couldn’t,” she closed her eyes, “when I wasn’t able to keep going to get Leah far from that place, Minn came out and ran for days at a time.”
“I know,” he reached across the table and lifted her chin gently so she’d look at him again, “I don’t know the details, I hope someday I will, but I do know there’s no Leah without you and no you without Leah. That’s not going to change, the only change will be it won’t be so hard on all of you, and I’m in the equation now.”
“I can’t believe you want to take this on, deal with us, it’s not easy,” she glanced away for a second because the tender look on his face was killing her slowly, “our own grandparents struggled with it.”
“I’m sure there will be bad days, there are for all mates regardless of other circumstances, but,” still holding her hand, he slid out from the table and came around to kneel in front of her, “know this, I am not going anywhere.”
She couldn’t have looked away from his eyes if she’d wanted to, it was as if she was frozen unable to lower her eyes away from his. When he leaned closer and she could feel his breath on her face, the air in her chest hitched. He brushed his lips over hers, once, twice. They were so warm. Releasing her chin, he kissed her again, a little harder this time and her stomach felt funny, but not in a bad way.
“I’ll let you read and get caught up, I just have to go help Blair with a few things and then I’ll be back. The doctor will be calling in a few hours, so you’ll be able to speak to her yourself.” He reached behind him and then set a phone on the table. “This is yours.” Letting go of her hand, he turned it and tapped the screen, it changed. “That’s how you turn it on.” He pointed to this little symbol. “I made a shortcut to call me, just tap that.” He did it and numbers came on the screen, then hit the green button and it will phone me. He looked back at her face, “call me if you need anything, okay?”
She nodded in a jerky motion. “Okay,” she barely whispered.
He kissed her quickly again and stood up. Turning in the doorway, he tilted his head, “if me kissing you bothers you; you can tell me that too.”
She blinked, “no. No,” she shook her head, “it doesn’t bother me.” She felt her cheeks get hot.
He flashed her a quick grin. “Good.”
Evanna sat there staring at the door long after he closed it. “Okay, that happened.” Blowing out a loud, long breath, she smirked, “movies don’t prepare you for that.” Glancing down at the phone, she picked it up and turned it over in her hand. She had a phone. No cords, small enough to fit in her pocket, she looked down and then remembered she was in this pink thing. Okay, clothes, coffee and read, she got up, “maybe one of those bars too.”
Evanna reread the first few pages. Leah had put a lot of information on those. If the rest had this much in it, she was going to get a headache processing it. She’d met several of the others, and while wasn’t completely comfortable with them, she was able to stay present.
Leah had really liked two of them, Nichelle, a teen that hadn’t been shifting long. Evanna felt hope when she said that she was having trouble with her cat. Jesse had been right, there may be ways to make things better for them.
The other female that Leah liked being around was Daisie. She grinned, having met the kid, she could see why. Evanna was sure she read the one paragraph ten times. It had been Daisie that had calmed Minn and enabled her to take control again. “Kid is some kind of magic.” She whispered as she turned the page to read the next part.
I don’t know why I can’t feel you like I normally do, but it has me worried. I know there are times when I’m out for days, but you have always been close by watching. I hope you’re all right, Evanna. I am keeping myself busy, trying to learn things that will help all of us. I’m still in shock that I’m able to feel Minn and to communicate with her. I’m not great at it, there are times when she just won’t communicate at all, but it is nice feeling her contentment and not just rage. Franki and Kobie said they will work with you and Minn as well. I know you will master it much faster because you’ve always dealt with Minn and her moods.
Evanna sighed. Would that be possible? To control Minn without suffering for it later? She planned on finding out.
The next part was written in sloppier writing. Leah’s only looked like that when she was emotional. Brows furrowed, she continued.
I spoke with Doctor Collins on a video call on Jesse’s laptop today. She explained what was wrong with us, I didn’t absorb as much of it as I’d like to have. (I saved the computer site pages she suggested on the laptop for you to read)
She looked around for the laptop and didn’t see it. Snorting, she shook her head, not that she had the first clue how to work the thing. She’d wait and ask Jesse when he got back.
I’m going to try to tell you what I learned. Doctor Collins says with regular therapy (talking and things like that) it will be easier for us to not be triggered. I don’t even know if you have a trigger, but we both know the list is long with things that cause me to recede (I think that’s what it’s called). When I am out it means I am ‘fronting’. There is so much to learn Evanna, I don’t know how to sort it all.
She also said medication can be effective in some cases, but usually, in her experience with shifters proper diet management and a few herbal brews or supplements can be as effective.
Minn is not one of the identities. As a shifter, she is just our cat, although she is somewhat out of control because our situation caused her to manifest sooner than she should have. Doctor Collins says she’s like an adolescent cat that has tantrums. Now. She has tantrums now, when she first came out it was a fight or flight response. I don’t remember much about that time, so I can’t be sure.
Evanna set the journal down and went over and opened the fridge. She didn’t like thinking about that time either. She hadn’t been fronting when they got out of there, so she didn’t have all the details, only knew that she was suddenly standing in the middle of an alley and had no idea where she was. She had read Leah’s mother’s letter to know what to do, then spent a day trying to figure out which direction was the right direction. Three days later, she was exhausted, couldn’t sense Leah hardly at all and then Minn appeared. Of course, Minn had appeared to save her and if she hadn’t, well, Evanna didn’t want to think about what would have happened. The rest of the trip wasn’t that clear, a few times of searching for clothes and not having to wear the see-through thin dress that had been stuffed into the bag they’d sent Leah out with was all she could really remember.
Grabbing a bottle of juice and an apple, she went and sat back down. Minn wasn’t an identity. She snorted, try telling Minn that. Taking a sip, she flipped the journal back over and kept reading.
You are going to have to talk to her about when Minn came out that first time. I have so many memory gaps. I remember little things here and there, but as a whole I can’t tell her everything that happened. The doctor says I have repressed those memories and you would have been fronting as soon as something happened I couldn’t handle. Do you know about everything that happened? Do you remember what I don’t? How are we going to figure this out?
Closing her eyes, she felt for Leah. She could feel the emotional turmoil just reading her words. Leah was there and safe, that was all that mattered. Opening her eyes, she took a bite and kept reading.
I can’t write more about that right now. You will talk to the doctor probably tomorrow, I’m getting really cloudy and tired, so I know you’ll be out then. I know you aren’t big on feelings, Evanna, but we have to do this.
Evanna rolled her eyes, the way Leah used underlined words was like she’d have no choice because of a line.
Jesse has been so good to me. He makes sure I’m okay with everything, whether it’s going for a walk, who wants to talk to me. I told Jesse you wanted me to stay away from that man Niles and he agreed, said he was so ugly on the inside that it festered to the outside. I’m not sure what that means, but I stayed away from him. Jesse also sat on the step outside the trailer when I talk to the doctor and told me if I get upset to just call him. He said if being here was too much for us we could go somewhere else. He has his own land, away from his clan. He looked happy when he talked about it. His house isn’t finished, but there is a trailer there too. He said I could plant gardens and sunflowers.
Evanna grinned, sunflowers, how many failed attempts had she tried on the mountain. She’d lost count. Of course, sunflowers would be a positive point for Leah.
As much as it pleases me that he would take us there, I don’t think it’s right if he stops doing his job with the Alliance and his team. There are so many of our kind that need saving and Jesse is part of that team. Do you agree with that? It’s hard for me to be near others, but what Jesse does is so important.
She took a bite of the apple and chewed it without tasting it. She had trouble thinking of the others that were being held in places like they had been. Jesse was like a hero in her eyes, he found those lost or taken. Yeah, she agreed with Leah, what he did was too important for them to prevent it. She looked at the apple and turned it slowly. Could they stay here without him? The idea bothered her, so she knew that Leah wouldn’t be able to. First, she needed to find out more about that training that was going to take place. She knew she could do that, what she had to decide was if it was worth putting Leah through them helping the teams that went in because that part hadn’t changed, she wanted to do something that mattered.
I will close this for now. The doctor is supposed to be calling soon and I have to go get Jesse to help me set up the laptop. Please write back.
L
Sipping the juice, she stared at the blank space under Leah’s writing. She couldn’t even remember half of what she was supposed to be replying to. Staring at the closed journal, she decided a short walk and then she’s answer her.
Setting the pen down, she flipped back and page and started reading, hoping she covered everything that Leah needed to know.
First, don’t expect a ten page reply. We both know that will never happen.
Evanna smirked at the underlined word, maybe Leah would see how ridiculous it was.
I can’t believe I left you unprotected for two days, Leah. I am sorry. It’s never happened before and I don’t know why it happened.
I haven’t talked to the doctor yet, but I will try to do what you want because I agree we both need it. I will definitely work with others to communicate with Minn because to be honest I have never felt her this calm and quiet, so something is working. If I never have to force her to shift back again, it will be like some kind of miracle. I won’t miss the pain from it either, that’s for sure.
Jesse is, I don’t even know how to explain it. He just seems to understand us and that’s so different I’m afraid to trust it, but I’m going to. He kissed me Leah. Like a real kiss and those movies Aunt Tillie used to watch were nothing like this. I want to talk to one of the women, I’m thinking Kobie (I can relate to her easily) and find out more about this mate stuff. I mean, he’s ours so we need to know more about it.
As far as Jesse continuing to help the Alliance, I agree completely. He can’t stop doing that. If any of our clan are left, I know he will find them. My chest gets tight when I think of seeing any of them again and I know it will be emotional soup if we do, but also I hope for their sake that we get that chance.
I talked to him about the training the others are taking to be on the team and I want to do it. Not just to be included with the team, but to better protect us. I failed to protect us on that trip and it’s my fault that Minn was out early and so out of control. I know she got us home, but I’m going to make sure I have the ability to protect us in any situation from now on. This training is going to involve guns and knives and fighting, so if it upsets you I want you to go to your safe place and stay there while I do it. I don’t know how Minn is going to react, so I’m going to talk to that Franki lady before it to help me keep Minn inside.
I can’t believe I’m writing this much.
Jesse said that there is no you without me and no me without you and to be honest that made me feel better because I don’t know what is going to happen from now on.
He gave me a phone. I can’t believe we have our own phone that works. I don’t know what I can do with it yet, but I plan on finding out because it seems like it’s an important part of life in this world now, everyone is looking at theirs and tapping the screen all the time. I will make sure Jesse shows it to you, but I’m certain he will because he seems to understand us. When I woke up he took one look and knew I was me and not you, has that ever happened? I don’t think so.
Okay. I have to go. Busy day ahead, Minn training, the doctor and weapons training.
Love E
It was probably the longest note she’d ever left Leah. Picking up the phone she looked at it and grinned. It had a clock. No winding it or anything, it just knew what time it was. Closing the journal, she got up and tucked the phone into her back pocket. With a grin, she pulled it back out and turned it on as Jesse had shown her. “He did say call.” She smirked and tapped the green button, which really wasn’t a button because it was flat.
“Evanna? Is everything okay?”
“Yeah, it really is.” She held the phone away from her ear and looked at it. This was crazy. Putting it back to her ear, she nodded, “I wanted to talk to that lady, Franki, Leah says she can help me with Minn.” She wasn’t sure if she should wait for him to answer or what the proper way to talk on a phone was, so she kept going. “I think I should get in touch with Minn before that training?”
“I can find Franki for you, sure. Do you want to wait at the trailer?”
She looked at the door, “yeah I’ll wait outside. I don’t want people gawking at me while we do that.” She didn’t even know what ‘that’ was exactly.”
“Okay. I’m in the house right now, do you want some sandwiches? Cortney made a ton of them.”
“I could eat.” She grinned.
“Okay, I’ll be there in a few minutes.”
“All right. I will be here.” She laughed and held the phone away from her ear and tapped the red non-button thing. “That was kind of amazing.” She mumbled and then tucked it back into her pocket.