133

133
Dr Knight 

"Well, that's... that's kind of complicated, buddy," I stammered, caught off-guard by the sudden change in conversation. I searched for words that would be appropriate for a child his age without dismissing his question. "Your mom and I have a long history together, and of course, we both love you very much..." I trailed off, seeing disappointment cloud his features at my evasive answer.

My first instinct was to lie and tell him no, to create some emotional distance that might make things easier for everyone in the long run. After all, Angela seemed to be moving on with Mike, and I didn't want to complicate her life or confuse Nathan with feelings that might never lead anywhere. She was my first real love, and quite possibly my last one too, but admitting that seemed selfish given the circumstances. However, when I saw the profound sadness spreading across his innocent face at my hesitation, I realized he deserved better than more lies and half-truths. This child had already endured enough confusion and disappointment in his young life because of my choices.

"Dad, it's okay if you don't," he said quietly, looking down at his hands. "Mike says sometimes parents just don't fit together anymore, like puzzle pieces that look like they should connect but don't quite match up when you try." The resignation in his voice broke my heart. He was already preparing himself for another disappointment from me.

I gently placed my hands on either side of his face, lifting his chin so he would look at me directly. I wanted him to see the truth in my eyes when I spoke. "Nathan, can I tell you something important? Something just between us men?" I asked softly, using a tone that conveyed the seriousness of what I was about to share.

"Like a father-son secret?" His eyes widened with interest, and he nodded solemnly, clearly appreciating being treated like a confidant rather than just a child. "Sure, Dad, I promise I won't tell anybody if you don't want me to. Well, maybe except Mr. Whiskers, but he's a cat so he can't repeat secrets anyway."

I couldn't help but smile at his innocent addition about his pet, but quickly returned to the serious matter at hand. I took a deep breath and shrugged my shoulders slightly before saying with a heavy sigh, "The honest truth is that I love your mother very, very much. I always have, from the very first day I met her in college. She was wearing a blue sweater and reading a book under a tree, and I thought she was the most beautiful person I'd ever seen." The memory was so vivid it could have been yesterday instead of a decade ago.

"You really do?" Nathan asked, his face lighting up with hope. "Then why aren't you living with us? Why do you have a different house? Mom has your picture in her bedroom, you know. She keeps it in her drawer, but I've seen her looking at it sometimes, especially when she thinks I'm asleep."

I swallowed hard at this revelation, feeling a mixture of longing and regret. "Because sometimes, even when two people love each other, one of them can make really big mistakes that hurt the other person," I continued honestly. "And that's what I did to your mom. I hurt her very badly, even though I loved her, and that's something I'll always regret. That's why it's probably better for her now if she finds happiness with someone like Mike. Someone who won't hurt her the way I did. And it's important for you to be happy with whatever makes your mom happy too. Do you understand what I'm trying to say?"

I paused, realizing I'd left something important unsaid. I cleared my throat and added somewhat awkwardly, "And, um, by the way—" I hesitated, searching for the right words, before finally asking the question that had been burning in my mind since our conversation at Angela's house: "Your mom has been keeping tabs on me all these years, right? Like, watching me from a distance, keeping track of where I was and what I was doing? You mentioned that she talks about me sometimes."

Nathan laughed with the unrestrained innocence of childhood, clearly amused by my question. "Are you kidding? Mom has been totally stalking you for, like, forever! She has this whole folder on her computer with news articles about you and the awards you've won and stuff. And sometimes we would drive past the hospital where you work, and she would slow down so we could see if your car was in the parking lot. She even made friends with a nurse who works there just so she could hear stories about you."

"She did all that?" I asked, genuinely surprised by the extent of Angela's surveillance. "For years?" The thought of her secretly following my career and life from a distance, keeping me present in Nathan's world despite my absence, filled me with a complex mixture of emotions – gratitude, regret, and something that felt dangerously like hope.

My son nodded enthusiastically, apparently pleased to be sharing this information. "Yep! And I helped her too sometimes. Like when we saw you at that coffee shop last year, and you didn't notice us, but Mom took pictures with her phone. Or when we waited outside the hospital once on your birthday with a card, but you left through a different door so we never got to give it to you." Each example he shared was like a small knife to my heart – all these missed connections, all these moments when Angela had tried to maintain some tenuous link between us that I had been completely oblivious to.

I stared at him, completely amazed by these revelations. All this time, while I had been selfishly pursuing my own pleasures and ambitions, Angela had been keeping me alive in our son's heart and mind. She had every right to paint me as the villain, to tell Nathan I had abandoned them both without a backward glance, but instead, she had preserved his image of me, protected the possibility of a relationship between us. The depth of her love and forgiveness was staggering.

A mischievous smile slowly spread across my face as an idea formed. "You know what? If your mom's been watching me all these years, maybe it's only fair that we return the favor. What do you say we do a little stalking of our own tonight? We could keep our eyes on her and see what she's really up to with this Mike guy." I suggested this partly in jest, but also out of genuine curiosity about the relationship between Angela and her supposed fiancé.