Chapter 71 I Hope You Can Forgive Me
Four hours later, I stare at myself in the mirror, scrutinising the dress I’ve chosen to wear. It’s flattering, dark red, hugging my figure without making me feel self-conscious. It has a scoop neck and drapes down to just above my knees. Smart enough to wear out to dinner, casual enough for the company of a friend.
Which Ethan didn’t always used to be.
He’s the one person in my time at The Red Room, other than David, who managed to get me to agree to sub for him. The only one that had ever intrigued me enough. It was my first time playing that part of the dynamic, and he was always nothing but compassionate and comforting as we both explored our roles together.
Three years ago, when he told me he was leaving to explore the world, I felt heartbroken. And at the time I think I was.
Ethan had seeped into my personal life, as I started meeting him outside The Red Room more often, and eventually he’d spend half the week at my place. At the time, I thought he was everything I wanted, and I thought I was losing the best chance I’d have at happiness when I watched him walk through those airport doors.
Until I met David.
David rewrote everything for me. David made me realise how much deeper I can fall in love with someone.
Ethan was my first love.
But David feels like he is my soulmate.
So while I’m happy Ethan is back, while I’ve said yes to his dinner invitation, I know that nothing is going to go back to the way it was, because David is it for me. And Ethan isn’t David.
It doesn’t mean I can’t pretend I’m happy with Ethan for a few hours though. It doesn’t mean I can’t smother down the nauseous, churning feeling in my stomach that reminds me how I can’t be happy with the person I want to be going to dinner with.
Sel pops her head in while I’m finishing up my makeup.
“Hey, I’m off to work. I still can’t find my damn phone, but I’ll text you from Nico’s.” She says.
“Okay.” I hum.
“You look gorgeous.” She comments, and I smile sadly, screwing the mascara wand back into the tube.
“Thanks.”
“What’s wrong?”
“I should be happy he’s back. I know I should.” I sigh. “But…”
“I know, sweetie. But I can guarantee that before you know it, you’ll be getting dolled up to go out with David again soon. I promise.”
“How can you promise that?” I ask, knowing it’s mean of me, because she of course has no way of promising that. She’s trying to comfort me, like a true friend, but instead of her shrugging and agreeing with me, she smiles.
“I have it on good authority that David looks like shit. And he’s miserable without you.”
“I know your authority is Marcus.” I point out, making her shrug. “Which means that he can tell David to do something about it, instead of just reporting back to you.”
“No one tells David what to do, you know that.”
I exhale, moving away from my mirror and turning to Sel.
“I gave Malcolm a new deal.” I admit, making Sel’s eyes widen. “David’s docks... I got him to agree to give them back.”
“Wow. Why did he agree to that?”
“I… um... he said there was another option on the table, and that we could agree to do that instead.”
“What’s the other option?”
“I don’t know.”
“Nora…”
“I know!” I groan, screwing my eyes shut. “I know I should have asked what it was. I just… needed to say yes for David.”
“Malcolm will have something up his sleeve. You know he will.” She warns, and I nod in agreement.
“Yeah. I guess that’s why I’m…”
“Being a bitch?”
“Maybe.” I laugh. “I think I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop.”
Sel walks up to me and hugs me.
Neither of us speaks for a few minutes until we separate, and she wipes my cheeks dry from the tears that have appeared out of nowhere.
“When you see Ethan, get him to buy you a gazillion drinks.” She orders.
“That’s not a healthy coping mechanism.”
“No, but it will do for now. Go and enjoy your evening with him. Forget about all of this. Tomorrow we can start trying to figure out what your dad’s planning to do. I would say I’d ask Marcus for any ideas but…”
“No phone.” I finish for her. “It’s gotta be here somewhere.”
“Yeah. But it’s too late to look for it now cos I’ve got to get going.”
“Okay.”
“Keep Nico updated?”
“Of course.” I nod, and watch her walk out the door. Then I take a big breath in.
Forgetting about everything for a few hours definitely sounds like a good plan.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Two hours later, I’ve mostly achieved that goal.
Ethan is astoundingly good at keeping the conversation going, avoiding any awkward questions that might lead me to think about David. I actually find that I’m having a good time. The food is good, the drinks keep flowing, and before I know it, I’m mildly tipsy and walking arm in arm with Ethan down the street, discussing our next stop.
“What about ice cream?” He suggests.
“It’s too cold for ice cream!” I laugh. “Plus, our favourite place got closed down.”
“Franko’s?!” He gasps.
“Yeah! One day, poof, Closed Down sign in the window.”
“That’s unlawful. Maybe we should open our own Franko’s.”
“Sure, sex worker turned ice cream server. Sounds great.” I laugh, and he laughs along with me.
“Okay well how about we get some snacks from there,” He points to an open bodega. “And we’ll go sit in the park instead?”
“Did you not hear me say it’s too cold? I don’t want to sit outside and freeze my butt off!”
“You’re such a princess.” He rolls his eyes, unlooping his arm from mine and shrugging off his jacket, draping it over my shoulders. I feel warm at the gesture and smile as his arm comes across the back of my waist and tugs me close. “Better?”
“Yeah.” I hum, until a sudden spear of guilt shoots through me.
What would David think if he saw me like this? Is he still following me? Is he here?
I quickly look around the streets we’re walking, but can’t see any silhouettes in the parked cars, and barely anyone else is about. I turn back to Ethan, but the gnawing feeling in my stomach doesn’t go away.
Seeing as I don’t argue any further against his latest suggestion, Ethan buys some snacks from the shop, a bottle of wine, and starts guiding me down the road towards the park.
“Come on, this way will be quicker.” He says, tugging on my hand he’s holding and turning down an alley.
“Is it? I thought it was another couple of blocks that way?” I ask, pointing back to the street we just turned off from.
“I scouted it out before I picked you up, trust me. I didn’t want to be wasting half our night walking.” He smiles, making me feel reassured. Because that’s what Ethan always does – reassure me. So, I follow him down the alley, watching the floor to make sure I don’t step on anything gross along the way.
Just before we get to the end, Ethan pauses, and pulls me round in front of him.
“What?” I ask, his hand leaving mine and coming up to either side of my face as he looks down at me.
I fold my arms over my chest to keep some warmth in my body. He must have noticed, because he steps forward, his body almost pressing against mine.
“I just…I want to say how glad I am that you agreed to come out.”
“Yeah of course.” I smile.
“I know a lot’s changed since I left, princess.” He continues. “Including both of us. But I want you to know that I always thought about you, even when I was on the other side of the world.”
“Ethan…” I breathe, my cold shivers long forgotten.
This sounds like it’s going somewhere that I’m not prepared for. Like he’s going to…
“So I hope you can forgive me.” He adds.
Now I’m confused.
“Forgive you?” I ask. “For what?”
I barely register him looking over my shoulder before a hand comes from behind and shoves a chloroform-laden cloth against my mouth.
The last thing I see is Ethan’s face before I pass out.