Chapter 192 No more surprises.

Chapter 192 No more surprises.
CHAPTER 192
SAINT
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“There are no bargains between lions and men. I will kill you and eat you raw – Madeline Miller.”
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“I thought about killing Logan at least twice a week.” Mom whispers once we are alone, as if she’s too ashamed to say it out loud. 

I look at her, brows raised in surprise. 

“Food would have been a perfect way to do it, but there were moments when he came home drunk as a skunk, and I thought about bashing his head in, or running him over with the car. I wanted him to feel it, to feel the pain, every hit he had inflicted on us, every time he’d forced himself on me, every time he’d hurt you – I wanted a fitting death for him, a method that encompassed every pain we’ve ever had to pass through, all merged into one, but that wasn’t possible, was it?” She scoffs, shaking her head. 

Her cheeks are flushed as she exhales deeply. 

“I came close to killing him the day I found out what he had been doing to you, but you were my priority – getting you away from him, fixing the rut he had spilt into your soul, but it was too late. He had built an addiction in you, right under my nose, and I hadn’t even suspected. Mother of the year.” She mumbles, looking at her hands. 

When she looks at me, she has tears in her eyes, and it kills me.

“I’m here, Mom, and I’m fine.” I reach for her hands. 

“For now. What happens if you need to use again? Do you understand how disgusted I am with myself? To truly believe moving across the world will change what he has done, but it didn’t. You … my sweet boy … I should have protected you, and I didn’t.” Tears stream down her face, and my chest tightens so hard.

“I’m sorry, Mom.” I bite my lip, trying to pull myself together. She’s crying, so I cannot cry, no matter how much I want to.

“Sorry?” She wipes her tears away and sits beside me. She cups my face with her trembling hands. “What do you have to be sorry about, baby? I failed you then, and I failed you now –” 

“You could never fail me.” I shake my head, bemused. “I didn’t want you to know. Reid didn’t know until Vegas. Trust me, there was no way you could have known. I thought I could manage it, but obviously not. I am going to get help. I am going to figure it out. I promise you, Mom.”

She sniffs and nods, “I know you are, because I am going to help you with it. You don’t have to do this alone anymore. Tell me what you need me to do, and I will do it.” 

I pull away from her and lean into the couch, exhausted. I have a lot of figuring out to do before she can help. I need to speak to Ivy. I need to get professional help. I need to get clean in a way that lasts, a way that doesn’t lock me away in a rehab. Getting into rehab isn’t going to help. I’ll be locked away from everyone I care about, forced into a structure that will make me shrink. I need a better way to get clean, something permanent this time around. 

“Can you give me a few days? I just need to …” I trail off, uncertain.

“Yes, I understand. Take as much time you need. I’ll be here.” She smiles at me, reassuring. 

Silence lingers in the room for a moment before she adds. “And I am glad you’ve found Reid. You can talk to me about him whenever you want to.” 

My mouth twitches, and I glance at her. “Sure, Mom.”

Tom’s door opens, and my heart skips a beat. I look at them, anxiety trickling down my spine. His face is as impassive as always, and Reid looks calm, which is a good sign, right? I’m not sure, but I wouldn’t be surprised if Tom told him to break up with me. 

“Do you have a moment, Tom? I’ll be quick.” I get up, sweat trickling down my spine. 

He raises his brow in shock, but nods, “Of course. I need to get some stuff from the car. Why don’t you come with?” 

“Yes.” I agree, send Reid a smile, and follow his Dad outside. 

“Are you alright?” Tom asks, shutting the main door behind him. 

I chew on my bottom lip, digging my finger into my palm before speaking. “I know this isn’t what you signed up for- the drug addiction and the lies. I wouldn’t blame you if you want me to stay away from Reid –”

“I don’t want you to stay away from Reid.” He opens his car door and pulls out the documents he needs. “I think you’re good for him. I’m surprised, yes, but you make each other happy, so why should I stand in the way of that?” 

His words ease some of my burden, but not all.

“Still, there shouldn’t be any more surprises between us,” I point out.

“Yes, there shouldn’t. Is there something else I need to know?” He frowns at me, worry flickering in his eyes. 

I hesitate for a second, but the words spill from me anyway. “Before we left London, before Logan was taken to prison, he brought home a lot of money. I don’t know how he got it, but it was pretty important. I’m pretty sure the money is one of the reasons he went to prison, one of the final nails in his coffin. The thing is … I stole the money.” 

“You … you stole the money?” He asks slowly. 

My cheeks burn hot. “Yes. It was reckless, but I was pissed. He’d beaten Mom the night before, and I wanted to hurt him anyhow I could, so I stole the money. It was a briefcase full of money. A lot of money, Tom, and I took it.”

“Hm.” He blinks, surprised. “What are you worried about now? That he knows you took it?” 

I shake my head, pushing down the knot in my throat. “That’s unlikely, but it is a concern. I know he’s not getting out ever, but what if he does? What if … what if he finds out that I took the money – that I am one of the major reasons he is locked away? What if he comes back for it?”

No matter how I try to phrase my words, the paranoia spills out of me in waves, weakening my knees and sending blood rushing through my ears. 

“He is not getting out, and he will never find out.” Tom holds on to my shoulder firmly, eyes darkening at the edges. “You have nothing to be afraid of, and if push comes to shove, you’re not alone. You are never going to be alone again, Saint. I will protect you. This might not mean much to you, but you’re family now, and so is Winter.” 

Yet this is what I am terrified about. If Logan finds out that I have people I care about, he’ll do everything to ruin it … he’ll take them from me, and I cannot let that happen.