Chapter 186 There is no answer. Reid is the answer.

Chapter 186 There is no answer. Reid is the answer.
CHAPTER 186
There is no answer. Reid is the answer.
SAINT
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“I adore you like the nocturnal vault of the stars - C. Baudelaire.”
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The world has fallen away. The ground has shifted beneath my feet, and I am free-falling. 

Fuck. Fuck. What the fuck do I do? How do I land back on the ground? How do I find my footing? Is it possible to go back to how we used to be? To what once was? 

“R … Reid.” Tom glances my way, face paling, then looks at his son. 

I shut my eyes, unable to bear the attention. I press my body flatter against the wall, looking for a way out. No, no, no. This cannot happen, not now. I am flooded from every direction. A talking drum has taken over my head. My skin has been invaded by a thousand crawling insects, even my veins, as if every single one has been set on fire from within. This isn’t happening to me. This is the worst possible time to be crashing down from the high because I do not know if I am crashing down from the high or if Reid’s words are what’s fucking with me. 

“What … what did you say?” Mom’s voice trembles at the corners, but I do not open my eyes. Guilt is lodged deep in my throat as if I have swallowed a stone. The last time she was this uncertain and afraid was when Dad beat her. Now, because of me, she is afraid again. What a wonderful son I am.

Maybe if I keep it firmly closed, I can pretend this isn’t real; maybe I can run from myself, but there is nowhere to run to. This is my reality now. This is where I am, where I have found myself. I have two options – I can either run, or stay.

“I don’t understand.” Clark sounds so confused. 

“You’re not going off the team, Reid; you’re the fucking Captain.” Bodhi scoffs.

“And neither is Saint; he is … he is Saint; we need him.” Blake barks, abandoning courtesy.

“Saint.” Allie reaches for me with her soft hands.

I open my eyes slowly, only to find them blurry with tears. My chest caves in and the cold spreads through me. I have ruined everything. Why did I have to use? Why do I have to be this fucked up? Why can I not be a different person? Why?

“You have to do something.” She murmurs, running her thumb over my wrist.

“Trust me, I know how important Saint is to the team, but I am the Coach, and I have to think of the greater good. I have to protect you. We cannot have an unstable addict playing on the team, jeopardising the lives of other players.” Coach Tucker’s voice is sharp enough to puncture my lungs. 

“You are talking about my son, so you better watch your words!” Mom snaps at him. 

“Do not talk to him that way,” Tom says simultaneously. 

“I am being realistic here, Tom! Look at him, he’s fucking high. Do you know the position this puts me in? What if the principal finds out? What if Crownhill does? What if the fucking scouts do? This is Kingsmakers Academy, and you know shit like this isn’t tolerated.” Coach groans angrily, face turning red with frustration.

“I think we all need to take a moment to … think,” Birdy suggests optimistically. “This is all a terrible mistake –” 

“I don’t care what it is. If Saint leaves, then so do I.” Reid refuses to back down, and I finally look at him. 

Him. Reid. My Reid. The only person I have ever loved. How fucked is it that I meet my first love, and only love, at the worst moment of my life? How fucked up is it that he can barely stand, and it is because of me?

I want to blame my father, blame the drugs, blame Jace and Milo, but this is all me. All me. My sins are mine. I did this. I hurt my boyfriend. 

I do not have two options. There are no choices. He told me he would give everything up for me, and he meant it. I assumed he was joking, but he obviously isn’t. He is standing there, sweat dripping down his body, knee swelling with every passing second, and still taking a stand, telling me, telling everyone he is willing to jump into the furnace with me, willing to be burned at the stake with me. 

There is no divine answer … there are no choices … there is nothing … there is only Reid. There is no answer. Reid is the answer. 

“You still do not know if what you accuse him of is t –”

“Coach is right.” I cut through, hoarse and dry. 

“What?” Tom frowns at me. Everyone is looking at me, even Reid. I glance at my hands, and clench them tight. I need to stop using. I cannot continue my life like this: trembling hands and headaches from highs that never last. This is not a way to live. 

I pull myself together, ignoring the heat spreading under my skin, and the pin-and-needles sensation. I push myself off the wall and walk to Reid. Our friends step out of the way for me until I get to him. He looks a mess, eyes bloodshot, and his entire body trembling from the force it’s taking to keep standing.

“Sit, Reid.” I give him a stern look and hold on to his arm. His sweat is slick under my palm, but the cold worries me more, fear exploding in my chest like confetti. 

He sees the fear on my face and finally sits on the bed, but he stays close enough as if he expects me to run. 

I turn to our friends, Coach, and our parents. 

“Coach is right. I … use.” The words slip out, and I push through, unable to stop. “I used before the game. I can explain why I used, or have been using, but it doesn’t absolve me of what I did. I used before a major game, and thought I could handle it, but I didn’t. Because of me, Reid is hurt.” 

“It is not your fault. It is Jace’s.” Reid scoffs, resting against the pillow. 

I ignore him. 

“And Reid is also … right.” I wince, cheeks burning. Our relationship is already out there, so why run from it? 

“We are …” I hesitate, not sure how best to phrase it. 

“Oh my God, you are dating.” Chloe gasps, eyes wide with shock. 

I nod stiffly and glance at my mom. “We are together, yes, and I am an addict, yes. These are two independent things, but yeah, we are together.” 

“In love,” Reid adds smugly, and I want to pass out, not from fear, but from embarrassment. I feel I have been caught with my pants down.

A/N
Happy new month. May September be full of rainbows and butterflies for us. Welcome to this month on Sinners and Saints. We might be close to the end (might, but I don't think we are; not quite, not yet)