Chapter 16

Self-love.

I lost it six years ago. For six years it seemed like I was the only key to living in the world.

Sometimes we can only see our self-worth when we endure too much pain.

I sighed.

Why do people fall in love at the same time losing themselves in the process?

"Hey." Zeus opened up to me. I turned to him and smiled. He leaned over me and sat on the sand.

We are in the small town of Tandag. Here I was chosen to be taken by Zeus after the incident of the past. We will be here for two weeks, and everything will be fine.

Zeus was true to his words. He helped me. He took me away from the world where I only feel pain. He took me away from Fausto, who was his own father.

I turned to him. Like me he also likes watching the blue ocean. Like me, he also loves to swim. Things I didn't know about him before.

I admit that it happened to us very quickly. One moment, we were enemies then second, we became lovers. We were even more instant with instant noodles.

So maybe the faster we started the sooner we finished.

I laughed softly. I noticed he was staring at me and smiling.

I really like this feeling. I have no fear and worries. I used to live in fear and anxiety. I got used to the pain caused by my loneliness.

"You should laugh and smile often, Sofia. I miss that part of you. I miss your glowing eyes every time you look at me," he said to me.

I smiled at him even though I was surprised by his statement. I did not speak, neither did he. Maybe we need this. I need this too. Because I also want to know why that happened to us. Why was he not able to say goodbye to me?

"You're my sunshine, Sofia. You made my life happy six years ago. You being carefree and a mouthful is what I love about you. You talk a lot that annoys the hell out of me but at the same time I like it. "

Maybe we need this. I need this too. Because I also want to know why that happened to us. Why was he not able to say goodbye to me?

As he spoke, I was just listening. As he spoke, I could not help but get hurt again. It's still unfortunate. Honey. What a pity.

"You asked me last time if I did love you, my answer is yes. Yes, I love you, Sofia. I love you so much that when my mother died, I needed to leave you. That when she died, I had to choose not to tell you anything and bid goodbyes because I know, it will hurt you. And seeing you hurt is the least thing that I would do " He picked up a clam and threw it into the sea. I knew he was thinking deeply.

Of all the things Zeus said, there was only one thing I understood better. He loves me. He loved me before. The thought of it pained me. The pain bites into my heart.

Why are there times in our lives where we love someone who will only hurt us?

Why is it that some lovers have the right love at the wrong time?

Because right now, I felt it. It was us.

"Don't you trust me? Do you think I can understand you? Do you think that I'm that shallow?" I exclaimed to him.

He looked at me. My tears were already dripping. I was hurt again. I thought his father was the only one who looked down on me, but he did too.

"I know I'm an asshole for not trusting you much. But can you blame me, Sofia? Do you know that for the many months that we were together, you never once you told me you love me? I used to expect you to say you love me too. I was looking forward to it, but that never happened."

And just like that, I let my tears fall. Just like that, I regret it. Maybe I wasn't ready then. Maybe we really are just up there.

"Do you know how hurt I was when you married my father? That I was still grieving for my mother's loss, and then you and my father. I want to get rid of those times. I want to know the truth from you. And when I came, that was when you said I do to him."

I looked at him. His head was still bent, and his shoulder was shaking gently.

He was crying, I know. I'm so stupid. I thought for six years I was the only one hurt. I thought I was the only one who became miserable.

"I was there, Sofia. And it fucking hurts seeing you inside that church with someone else." his voice broke and he cried more.

I turned to her and held her by the shoulder. I lifted her chin with my hand and wiped away her tears.

I do not know what I should feel. I didn't know that he was going through such a difficult time.

I hurt him too.

We were both hurt.

How dare I tell her about my children? If I knew in myself, I would be very guilty of him. In all of this, I turned out to be weak.

"The baby. It's mine, right." He stared at me. I know that is not a question but a confirmation.

I nodded. "I'm sorry..." was all I could say.

"Fuck!"

I cried. I have sinned so much against him. I was the one who really ruined us. Because my understanding became narrow. Because I lost trust in him.

I guess, I just need to endure the pain. I just have to forget the feeling. I just need to keep it that way. Because no matter what else I do, the past cannot be restored, it's the reality and I will accept it.

"What happened when I left? You keep on telling me, everything's changed. But I want to know. I want to hear it right from your mouth," he begged me.

I gasped. It is true that I always say that everything has changed. But I can't say what. Maybe because I don't really know where to start. I don’t know if I can tell him everything.

I took a few deep breaths before speaking.

"Many things changed when you left me Zeus. The one I used to be happy with, disappeared. The smile of sadness was overshadowed. When you left, you also took my heart away from me."

I wiped away my tears before continuing. My eyes are dimming. This is how difficult it is to tell him everything.

"Maybe you're right, that I never told you I love you. Maybe it's my fault. Maybe I deserve all the punishment. That I deserved every punch and slap your dad threw at me."

He approached me and hugged me tightly. I kept on crying. Because with every slap and pain I received from Fausto, the fact still remains. That the scar in my heart is more painful than any physical abuse.

"It's okay…shh. Don't talk anymore. It's fine. I'm here now," he comforted me.

Zeus is right. He is already here. And I know everything will be fine.

***

After Zeus and I talked, I felt lighter.

I have something I can't tell him, but I do not regret it. Sometimes there are things I also need to take care of. Because that's what it should be. Because that would be good.

We are eating dinner today. I cooked it so I knew it was delicious. I really like cooking, I used to dream of being a good chef when I was still in school. But I was not lucky.

I just stared when I noticed that he had been staring at me before. I just ignored him.

When we finished eating, I hurried to my room. I adjusted myself before going to bed. As I combed my wet hair, I could not help but remember what we had been talking about earlier.

Good thing I cried my heart out because it relieves me. My tears, it washed away the pain that I've been hiding inside. Now, I feel lighter.

Tonight, Zeus and I decided to sleep together without malice. We agreed on pretending, just like the old time, back when we are still together. I know it would be selfish, but I let myself into it. For myself as well.

As Zeus and I lay in bed together, it still felt the same. It seemed to bring me back to the past. And just like that, when he wrapped his arms around my waist, he could still calm the hell out of me.

Just like that.

Zeus can still wash away my chaotic heart.