Chapter 87 87
Kate’s POV
“Since I decided this was over,” I answered. “Since I chose my life with Andrew. With our son.”
Elliot took a step toward me.
I took one back.
The distance between us shrank anyway.
“Our son?” he asked quietly. “Or mine?”
The air caught in my chest.
“Don’t start,” I said. “We already talked about this. We don’t know. And we’re not going to know.”
“What if I want to know?” he pressed. “What if I want to be part of it?”
I shook my head.
“You can’t. You’re not part of it. You’re… the past.”
He stared at me for a long moment. His eyes never left mine.
“The past doesn’t stay quiet, Kate,” he said finally. “The past knocks on your door. And you open it.”
I didn’t answer because he was right. I had opened it.
And now he was inside.
Elliot took another step. This time I didn’t retreat. He lifted a hand and rested it gently on my cheek. His fingers were warm. His face tilted toward mine until his forehead brushed mine, until our breaths mingled in the tiny space between us.
I felt his nose graze my temple as he spoke close to my ear.
“Be honest with me for once,” he whispered. “Just one thing, Katherine. One thing that’s true.”
My lips trembled before I could stop them. A sigh escaped my chest and, without warning, tears began to fall—silent tears that surprised even me.
Elliot tensed when he saw them.
“Hey…” he murmured. His fingers moved to my eyes. He wiped the tears with his thumb, slow, almost careful movements. “I don’t want to see you sad. I have to go to university in a couple of hours. We might not see each other for weeks.” His fingers kept brushing the tears from my face. “But I want to leave with something real from your lips.”
I took a deep breath. Closed my eyes because looking at him made everything harder.
The silence between us lasted a few seconds. Then I spoke.
“Being near you scares me.” I felt his hand freeze on my cheek. “A lot.” I swallowed before continuing. “I’m afraid everything will collapse. Afraid you’ll lose control and destroy the little security I feel right now.” I opened my eyes for a second, then closed them again. “And at the same time…” My voice cracked just slightly. “At the same time, I like searching for the calm that’s underneath all that storm you carry.” I felt his breathing stop. “When it appears,” I went on, “when you go still, when you lower your voice, when you’re not fighting the world… there’s something there that calms me.” My hands gripped my own arms a little tighter. “But that calm lasts so little, Elliot. It’s scarce. It’s fleeting.” I took another deep breath. “And I don’t know if it’s worth sitting around waiting for it.” The words hung between us. “Lately I think about you too much,” I confessed after a few seconds. His fingers stopped moving on my face. “Sometimes it calms me. Other times it terrifies me.”
“Terrified of what?” he asked.
I opened my eyes then.
I looked straight at him.
“Of being wrong.”
His brow furrowed just slightly.
“Wrong about what?”
I held his gaze for a few seconds before answering.
“About who I choose to live my life with.”
Elliot went still.
Then he stepped back.
The contact between us broke abruptly, and the cold hallway air filled the space his body had occupied.
He ran a hand through his hair, breathing deeply.
“I’m sorry.” The apology came out low, almost tired. “I’m sorry I’m not someone reliable for you.” He lowered his gaze for a moment before lifting it again. “I’m sorry I make you feel unsafe. I’m sorry I can’t prove to you that I’m up to it… or that everything could be okay by my side.” His hands fell to his sides. “I understand your fear, Katherine.” He shook his head slowly. “And I don’t know exactly what to do to make it go away.” His eyes searched mine again. “But I hope the day comes when I can call you mine…” His voice dropped even lower. “…without you being afraid to hear it from my lips… and without you feeling like that’s a mistake.”
He stepped closer again, a short step that brought him right in front of me. His eyes traced my face with an attention that made me feel exposed. He lifted his hand carefully and brushed aside a damp strand of hair stuck to my cheek. His thumb followed the path my tears had left, sliding slowly down my face, as if he wanted to erase every one.
Then he tilted his head.
His lips brushed my skin right where it was still wet—slow, almost silent, as if he were reading something on my face. He kissed another tear, and another, advancing just a few centimeters each time.
The thumb of his other hand paused over my mouth, tracing the outline of my lips.
We stayed looking at each other.
I felt my body begin to tremble.
It wasn’t just fear. It was something worse. An impossible mixture I couldn’t separate: wanting him, fearing wanting him, needing that kiss and at the same time feeling that asking for it would cross a line I couldn’t uncross afterward. One part of me wanted to lean toward him. Another wanted to push him away and close the door. And the worst part was that constant war inside my chest, because fighting him exhausted me… but surrendering didn’t make me feel free either.
If I won, I wasn’t happy.
If I lost… I felt like I’d done something terrible.
I took a deep breath, trying to hold myself together.
“I need you to stay away from me.”
The words came out broken.
A small whimper escaped my throat before I could stop it, and the tears came back stronger.
“Because I can’t keep fighting this forever,” I continued, voice shaking. “I’m tired, Elliot… I feel so tired.”
The words dissolved into louder crying.
He didn’t pull away.
His arms wrapped around me firmly and drew me to him. My forehead hit his chest and I stayed there, breathing in the scent of his shirt, feeling the heat of his body. I cried against him without trying to hide it. My hands fisted the fabric of his shirt, wrinkling it between my fingers. It wasn’t a gentle gesture. It was a silent claim, a clumsy way of telling him how hard everything was.
Elliot didn’t speak.
He just held me.
His hand moved slowly over my back, up and down in silence while my breathing gradually calmed.
I don’t know how much time passed.
Finally I lifted my head.
My eyes were still wet when I looked at him.
And then I said the one thing I’d never allowed myself to think out loud.
“I’m in love with you.”
The words floated between us.
Elliot’s eyes widened.
It wasn’t an exaggerated reaction, but the impact was clear on his face. His breathing changed—deeper, slower.
“Leave Andrew,” he said finally, almost in a whisper. “Please.”
I shook my head immediately.
I didn’t need to think about it.
“No.”
I saw his lips move to say something more.
But I didn’t want to hear it.
I couldn’t bear another sentence that would make me feel worse than I already did.
So I leaned toward him before he could speak.
And I kissed him.
Me… I kissed him, not the other way around. I kissed him!
My hands rose to his face and held him there while my lips sought his with an urgency I’d held back for too long. It was the only way I found to silence him… and to silence everything inside me that kept arguing whether this was right or wrong.
I’m very excited about this chapter. It’s the first time she is completely honest about her feelings, and she does it precisely with Elliot. He desperately needed her to show something, to say something—any sign that he wasn’t alone in everything he felt. He had been waiting for so long for a gesture from her, starving for any word or reaction that would prove he meant something to her. And in this moment, he finally gets it. For him, this means everything.