A breath away from death.
I never realized it'd feel so… chilled.
Not the cold kind-not the biting frost that crept beneath your skin. But the type that settles deep in your bones. The kind that whispered. This was it.
Fear should be clawing at my throat. Panic should be my prison. But instead, there was only stillness. A quiet submission to the inevitable.
One wrong move and it'd be over.
And maybe that was okay.
Maybe I was always meant to be here. A life strung together with broken promises, leading me to the only ending I was ever meant to have.
Judas stood before me. Agony, fury, desperation-all bleeding into one. And yet, I couldn't reach him. Not anymore. I was never meant to be his light. I was meant to be his darkness.
I wondered if he'd hate me for this. If he'd curse the day we met.
If he'd still whisper my name like it meant something-like I wasn't just another ghost slipping through his fingers.
The ocean roared below, calling me home.
And in that moment, I understood.
Love was never meant to save me.
It was meant to destroy me.
Lucius held me tight, his arm locked around my throat I was his only escape and maybe I was. His breath was hot, erratic. His hand steadied on the trigger. But no, it was not him that I wanted to see.
Ironic, how at the edge of death, it wasn't fear that consumed me-it was clarity.
Not the man holding me hostage. Not the blade at my throat. Not the cruelty. But him.
Those burning flames. Those ferocious little outbursts.
The way his hands trembled when he was on the edge of losing control. The way his breath hitched when he tried to swallow his rage. The way he looked at me. Oh heavens, would I ever… see him again if we parted ways today?
Would I miss that?
Would I miss the way his voice dropped when he was worried, that quiet, gritted kind of softness that he didn't know he had? Would I miss the way his fingertips traced absent patterns on my skin when he thought I was asleep?
Would I miss him?
God, I already did.
I missed him even as he stood there, his chest rising and falling too fast, his fists clenching like he could hold me together with just his will. Like he could stop this.
But some things can't be stopped. Some endings couldn't be rewritten.
I didn't want to cry. I couldn't.
Not when my tears would ruin him. Not when I was already leaving, already slipping into a place where he couldn't reach me.
Please, God. A few more minutes. I beg.
A few more minutes to hold onto this moment, to memorize the intensity of his gaze, the way his lips parted like he had something to say but knew it wouldn't change a thing. A few more seconds to breathe him in, to carve him into my soul so that even in death, I wouldn't forget.
I had to do this.
Because I was never meant to stay.
Because I was never meant to be his peace-only his lesson. His wound. His wreckage.
Because love doesn't always save you. Sometimes, it destroys you first.
Judas took a step forward. His whole body trembled, his throat bobbed, and his eyes screamed. "Ptichka…" He whispered and I shut my eyes.
Lucius' arm tightened around my throat, but I barely felt it. The cold press of the gun against my temple-it all faded into the background, drowned by the sight of Judas standing there, broken and burning.
"STEP BACK!" I was pulled back on the edge of the cliff. Closer. And father at the same time. "OR I'LL BLOW HER BRAINS!"
I shut my eyes as a lone tear slipped down my cheek.
He was me. I was him.
I wondered if he saw the same in me. If he could tell that even now when my life dangled on the edge of a bullet, all I saw was him.
I wanted to remember everything.
The love that was always meant to end in tragedy.
Judas took a step forward. His whole body shook with something unholy, something raw, something that should have never belonged to him. Fear. "We can talk about this, just let her go. I won't shoot. See." He threw his gun at Lucius and it landed on my foot.
His eyes met mine. Panicked. Fearful.
The biting wind whipped through my hair, stinging my skin with its icy touch.
Closing my eyes, I took a deep, steadying breath, allowing the salty air to fill my lungs. For a fleeting instant, my mind drifted away from the imminent danger, finding solace in the serene beauty of the sky above. The vast expanse of night blue stretched out before me.
My chest rose and fell. My heartbeat was violent. But my mind was quiet.
Because I understood now.
I was never meant to be his salvation. I was meant to be his ruin.
Maybe I stepped into his life for a reason. Maybe fate put me in his path to be the final piece of his suffering. The wounds that never heal.
And strangely, that thought didn't break me.
It freed me.
Drawing in a deep, steadying breath, I felt the tension drain from my body, leaving me strangely serene. My arms fell limply at my sides, my fingers curling slightly against the cool breeze that swept through the air. It was as if all the mayhem and uncertainty that had plagued me moments before had dissipated.
Turning my gaze to Judas, I met his bloodshot eyes. I could see the realization dawning in his eyes, the dawning horror as he understood what I was about to do. At that moment, our roles were reversed, and it was his turn to be consumed by panic and fear.
Summoning all the courage I could muster, I forced a small, trembling smile to my lips as I mouthed the words that had been on my heart all along.
"I love you," I whispered silently, knowing that he could hear the sentiment echoing in the depths of my soul.
His breath hitched and he took a step forward, then another, his body betraying him, stumbling as Russian words spilt from his lips like a prayer. Like a curse. Like a plea.
He knew.
He saw it in my eyes. The surrender. The goodbye.
Judas had always been able to read me in ways I never understood. And now-now he saw the moment I stopped fighting. The moment I gave in.
His hands twitched at his sides, his jaw clenched so tight I thought he'd break, his entire frame shaking under the weight of a nightmare he couldn't wake up from. His worst fear playing out right in front of him.
Lucius stiffened behind me. My back pressed harder into his chest, and he faltered, his grip slipping for a fraction of a second.
"What-"
And then-we fell. The world blurred. Gravity tore me from him.
The world blurred and turned weightless.
Time stretched, pulled thin, fragile as a thread about to snap. The wind howled around me, tearing through my hair, and rushing past my ears. But it was too late.
Too late.
Judas lost himself. A raw, soul-tearing sound ripped from his throat, something between a scream and a sob-like his body was rejecting the very idea of losing me. His knees buckled, arms lashing out too late, or was it my imagination, fingers barely grazing the air where I had been.
His breath came in short, broken gasps like his lungs couldn't decide whether to breathe or shatter.
Like he was drowning too.
The sky, the sea, the jagged cliffs above-it all became one endless swirl of motion. Like a painting smeared by trembling hands.
I thought of his touch.
The rough warmth of his fingers against my skin, the way he traced the curve of my spine absentmindedly like he was trying to memorize me with his hands.
I thought of his voice.
"Ptichka…"
Low and edged with something vulnerable when he said my name in the dark. That quiet, gritted kind of softness he hated showing the world but had never hidden from me.
I thought of his eyes.
Burning. Haunted. A wildfire and a graveyard all at once. Would they cry for me? Would they ever forgive me?
"Little bird…"
The ocean roared. And I flared my arms letting myself be held together in its embrace, pulling me under.
Cold rushed in from every side as my body hit the water sinking deeper, invading my lungs, veins, and bones.
I exhaled.
A single, shuddering breath.
A single, trembling tear mixed with the vastness.
My body sank, deeper and deeper, the light above shrinking, fading, until there was nothing left but shadows.
Would he remember me like this?
Or would I become just another ghost in the wreckage of his heart?
The water curled around me, gentle now as my body relaxed. Like death was cradling me in its arms.
I closed my eyes.
And let go.
Maybe in another life, I wouldn't be a ghost slipping through your fingers. Maybe I'd be the hand that stayed, the heart that didn't shatter in your palms.
But not in this one. Not here. Here, I was meant to break you. You were meant to ruin me.
If you ever dream of me, Judas, just know that somewhere, somehow, I'm dreaming of you too. In the quiet between worlds. In the spaces where we were never torn apart. In the echoes of all the love we never got to live. Maybe the universe would be kinder next time. Maybe it wouldn't turn me into a tragedy and you into the man who had to watch.
Maybe next time, I'd get to stay.
But for now-
Let me be the ghost you never stop chasing.