Chapter 23

Chapter Twenty-Three Hope It's supposed to get easier with time. That's what I've always heard and yet each day that I go without seeing Caleb the pain I feel in my chest increases and the emptiness that rings through my soul seems magnified to an unbearable level. In short, I think the heartbreak is killing me. Last night after tucking Nathan in, I went to the kitchen to clean up the dinner mess. The warmth of the water on my hands relaxed me at first and I started to get lost in the methodic hum of the water. Then I realized that Caleb's everywhere. He's embedded in every thought I have. As some of the bubbles rinsed away I felt the greatest despair I've ever experienced. If time is not healing, how else can I wash him from my soul? Most girls can go to their mothers with their heartbreak. I think moms should have some great words of wisdom, or at least an understanding heart. My mother's not going to help me out of this ache. I imagine that as I curled up over the sink, crying into the fading bubbles, my mother lie passed out somewhere—numb to every emotion I've now become so familiar with. Today is a new day and I refuse to ruin one minute of the joy Nathan is getting from living here. I didn't get much sleep after crying so hard my head was pounding and my eyes were practically swollen shut, but I got myself up and resolved myself to moving forward. Nathan awoke to a peaceful home, free of drugs and bad men. I may have awoken to a mean emotional hangover, but one day in this place is worth a million somewhere else. A warm little hand slips inside mine as we walk down to the small donut shop for a little treat this morning. Truth is I can't look at the damn cereal box without thinking of Caleb, so I'm adding cereal to the growing list of things I plan on avoiding. We sit at a small table that's become our regular seat and I watch as Nathan devours his chocolate bar and milk. His innocence reminds me of every reason I have for risking going to jail. I'll give up everyday of my life for him to live his in this peaceful ignorance. Catching a glance of myself in the clean window, I cringe when I see the dark circles around my eyes and the way my dress hands off my body with my recent weight loss. I brush my hair back into a ponytail with my hands and take a sip of my coffee as Nathan blows a few more bubbles in his mostly empty milk. The chocolate on his face is almost too cute to wipe, but I don't want it all over the furniture when we get home so I swipe a napkin across his face and when he tries to duck away I pretend to clean his forehead, nose and ears just for fun. The walk back to the condo is quick and Nathan grabs my keys from me when we reach the front gate so he can run ahead. He knows that sometimes I get stopped by one of the moms or sneak a few roses from the courtyard to put on the table in the condo. Today I don't have the energy for either. I make my way up the steps and push the door open. The sound of Nathan giggling gets my attention and I call to him, "What's so funny?" as I lock the door behind us. When I turn around it's almost as if someone has punch me in the stomach. Rounding the corner from the living room is Caleb. He's carrying Nathan folded in half and hanging upside down from his shoulder. Caleb pretends to spank him again and Nathan squirms and giggles in his arms. "He found us Hopey," Nathan says as if we have only been playing a game this whole time and Caleb has just discovered our hiding spot. "Yes, he did," I say, frozen in place and looking into Caleb's eyes. I watch as Caleb bends down and puts Nathan's feet solidly on the ground. "Hey dude, can you go watch some TV so I can talk to Hope?" Caleb looks into Nathan's eyes and Nathan responds with a head nod. Turning away from us he runs down the hall. When he's out of sight and almost all the way to his room he yells, "I knew you'd find us Prince of Pies!" and a small smile curls Caleb's lips. "What are you doing here?" I ask him. He takes a step towards me and I feel as if his step closer to me pushes the air from my lungs. "We need to talk. I have some important things to tell you." Even though my legs aren't working, Caleb moves another step forward. I expect him to start telling me what he needs to get off his chest, but instead he tips his head to the side and looks concerned. "Hope, are you ok?" I nod my head but suddenly become aware of how tired I am and how hard it is to breathe. The room seems to tip for a minute but I straighten my back and force myself to focus on what he's saying. I can tell by the look on his face that he doesn't agree with my self-assessment. "Hope, I'm worried about you. You look really pale, Sweetheart." I wave away his concern and he stops moving towards me. In the distance I can hear the cartoons playing in the bedroom but I also can hear a loud ringing in my ears. "Hope, I met your mother." His words enter my head and a wave of heat rushes through me from my toes to my head and I fight off the feeling that my world is starting to fade at the edges. I notice him moving towards me again with the most serious look on his face I have ever seen. I manage to say, "I'm not letting Nathan go back to her." My own voice sounds like a recording outside of my head and I notice the way the blood is pumping violently through my body. "Hope, I'm not here to make you go back to her. I'm here to take you and Nathan home." It's almost as if the darkness follows his words into my head. The blackness bleeds in from the corners of my vision and when I see him lunge for me, my knees give out and my world goes silent as I completely lose consciousness.