Chapter 21

Chapter Twenty-One Hope Nathan loves living at Madeline's. He's made friends with a few of the kids from the complex and we try to meet up with them every morning for a little while. This is really my only experience with what it must be like to have a semi normal family. The moms all come to talk while their children play and surprisingly they have accepted me into the group. I finally have a few friends; I just wish it wasn't under such secretive circumstances. I miss Caleb everyday. Every minute of everyday if I'm honest. Nathan's stopped asking directly about him, but he makes me tell him a story about the Prince of Pies every night. Right now, the Prince of Pies is off trying to rescue a city, I just can't bare to talk about him and the princess so it's easier to make up a grand adventure and leave love out of it. I've checked in with Mrs. Sawyer and she tells me that my mother's still at the apartment. Some man has been staying there with her and the whole place stinks of old cigarettes and alcohol. When I talked to her last, my mother had come over to her place looking for me. She asked where Nathan was and Mrs. Sawyer stuck to the story of not having seen him in a long time. Tammy also saw my mother. I hadn't had much time to think things through before fleeing so I didn't remember to hide my café shirts. My mother came into the café a few days ago, asking for me. Tammy told her I hadn't worked there in months and that she thought I might have run to Mexico with a man I met. I love her creative humor. She told me that my mother was as high as a kite and looked like she hadn't eaten in months. It's only been two weeks since I fled, but part of me wonders if maybe she'll overdose before I move again. If she does, the social workers will come looking for us and I'm sure that with my current situation, they'll take Nathan from me. Moving to Mexico isn't sounding that bad. The moms all laugh about something they're talking about and it brings me back to the present. I laugh along with them even though I haven't heard what they are saying. One woman leans over and asks if I feel all right and I nod my head and thank her for her concern. I assure her I am just catching a little cold or something. The truth is that I'm having trouble eating. I have so much anxiety about what's happening that I can't even think to sit down and eat. My stomach is constantly curled up into a tight ball under my ribs and at night sometimes it's downright painful. I drink my hot tea, which has helped to relax me a little, but I know that I'm just physically sick from leaving Caleb. This is my first broken heart and the fact that I'm in control of the break-up makes it all that more stressful for me. He was my Mr. Right, my Prince Charming, but the timing just wasn't right. If it's meant to be, our paths will cross again when Nathan is old enough to not go into foster care if we come out of hiding. Madeline's been absolutely amazing. She calls me everyday to check in and even offered to pay cash for me to see a therapist if I needed to talk. She also offered to get me in with a psychiatrist if I wanted a little help getting through the pain of this separation. I have kept her offer close to my heart. If my ability to function does not improve in the next week I'm going to go get help. Yesterday Madeline stopped by with her husband Jackson. We ate lunch together and she offered to watch Nathan if I needed a little time to myself. I have a hard time trusting anyone with my brother, but I trust her. I took a walk around the neighborhood and wandered into town. It felt amazing to be out alone, but I kept looking for Caleb and finding him in the crowds, only to be disappointed when it tuned out not to be him. Nathan's climbing up the small play structure the complex has in its center. I watch as he slides down the tall slide and runs over to me. This is the happiest I have ever seen him and I cherish every minute he has a smile on his innocent little face. This time he hugs me and says, "This is so much fun, Mom." The slip makes both of us pause for a minute and I watch his face as he waits to see my reaction. It makes perfect sense that he'd call me Mom. I'm the only person who has ever taken care of him. I don't think he's even called our mother Mom. He doesn't know much about her at all. I mess his hair and give him a big smile. I'm not going to correct it. If he wants to call me Mom, then he can. He deserves to have someone be his mother. The other boys catch up to him and in a second they're off and running again. I lean back on the bench and watch him play. Caleb might not be with us right now, but it's because of him that I'm sitting here in the safety of a beautiful condo complex. I won't for one minute forget who has saved us from the hard life I have always known. When the play date is over, we walk down to a small ice cream shop on the corner. As Nathan eats his ice cream I try hard to focus on this time with him. I've had long enough off of work to dread going back to a job everyday. I missed so many things with Nathan. I didn't get to go to his school performances or let him have play dates with the kids from his class. I hope that when he's as old as me he will see that I wanted to do all of that for him, but I had to provide for us. Nathan might have more ice cream on his face than he does in his mouth. His eyes cross as he tries to watch himself lick at the dripping chocolate. I laugh at him and he giggles back. My heart screeches to a halt when my beautiful, chocolate covered boy asks, "When do you think Caleb will find us, Hopey? I miss him."