Chapter 41 Choice
I blink the memory away only to be washed away by another one.
Richard had shown up at the Black Swan. I'd just gotten done with my rehearsal only to find him back stage with Olivia. I know he'd been waiting for me, because suddenly he pulled Liv into his arms and looked down at her with a sweet smile he only used to get what he wanted.
"You are a gorgeous little dancer, Olivia," he said, leaning into her, playing with her dark curls.
"I'll be the prefect dancer for you, Ricky," Liv giggled, batting her pretty blue eyes up at him with so much adoration it made me sick.
And then he looked right at me and kissed her on her lips. Her cheeks were flushed and her eyes were dreamy. She sighed up at him and giggled, "I love you Ricky! I'll be your wife when I'm older!"
"You are so much better than Josie, Livy. Maybe when you are older you can be my girlfriend," he winks before smirking right at me.
I didn't know why that hurt so much. I wanted nothing to do with Richard Kingston. If he wanted Liv he could have her! I was tired of the selfish little princess that got every damn thing she ever wanted.
Then he walked right up to me, leaned over and whispered into my ear, "I know you are jealous, little dancer. But you really will never be good enough for me. Not even just for a quick fuck. I've had so many girls, and all of them have been better than you will ever be. You are nothing."
I blink my tears away. I wipe the tears and try to push the memories that have stuck in my head even years after the fact. And still they all hurt.
But Rick asked me to look at him now, and not what he used to be. He knew exactly what I thought of him all those years ago, but he wanted to prove himself now. I understand his words now. I hadn't before.
The other day I told him I didn't know who he was. But I was wrong.
“But you do! You always have! That’s the thing... but it doesn’t matter anymore. I’m not who I used to be, Josie. I’ve grown up and I deserve a chance to prove it to you!" He argued.
Well he was right about that. I'm still not sure how the hell I didn't put it all together. All the clues had fit. I knew his eyes... I just couldn't seem to remember.
Now I know why he wanted me to think of him as an adult and not who he used to be. He wanted the chance to prove to me he isn't who he used to be. He's a grown man, not under his father's influence any more... If it really was Dean's fault.
But to be honest, even if he was the same as he was when he was younger, he'd be a better situation than staying with Beth. There is no way he can be any worse. All he'd have to do is promise he wouldn't hit me, and it would already be an improvement over my current situation.
Rick has changed. And he'd been mostly honest with me, even to the point of telling me exactly who he was to me. I could tell it cost him a lot to tell me his full name. He didn't want me to remember, and I guess I can't blame him for that.
Every single memory I had of him hurt me. There wasn't a single day that he showed up that I didn't end up running into my room and closing the door, crying into my pillow. I couldn't tell Mom or Dad because he was Dean's son, and they were friends. They wouldn't have believed me. Richard was a sweet boy when he was around my parents...
But didn't I just promise James to give him a chance? Shouldn't I allow him to prove he was sorry and he could change? He looked so sad when he asked me to give him a second chance.
What am I doing, thinking I could be with Rick when I promised James... I'm a horrible person. The best thing I can do is only focus on one of them. I can't lead them both on. That's not the type of person I am.
"I can't do this Rick. I promised to give James a chance," I sigh, trying to pull out of his grasp.
"Josie, you will regret your choice. Please, don't do this," Rick pulled me closer to him. "I really don't want to see you get hurt. That is exactly what you are walking into with your eyes shut."
"You just asked me to see you've changed, isn't it being hypocritical if you don't let me give James the same chance?" I try to articulate my swirling thoughts.
I can see frustration in his eyes. "Okay, Josie. But promise me, if you ever decide to kick him to the curb, you will give me a chance," he begs.
"Okay, Rick. I promise," I sigh as he lets me go, and walks away. I feel a sudden chill and a strange loneliness I don't want to think about as he walks away from me.
I made the right choice didn't I? I need to give James the chance to prove he's changed before I could even think of being with Rick... Right?