Chapter 153 Past Feeling
Trigger Warning- Suicide
I don't know how long I've been like this. But it seems like I've been in the dark for ages. There is no brightness anywhere. I don't know how else to describe this feeling other than hollow.
There isn't anything left to even ache. It's just this gnawing feeling like I'm slipping deeper and deeper underwater, and I don't even know if I want to break the surface so I can catch my breath.
Rick has been with me since he found me collapsed on the stage. And yet, even his touch doesn't seem to break through the darkness I've been stuck in.
I don't even know if I wish it could. At one point, I had hope that I could finally have my happy ending. Rick had taken me away from Beth and James. He put a ring on my finger and a baby in my womb. Those things had brought me so much joy.
But right now, I don't even know how to reach for those memories of happiness. I don't have the power to recall all those feelings.
He's asked me to just talk to him; about what I'm feeling; what I've gone through. But I don't know how to tell him. Not what I'm feeling or what they put me through...
None of the men were allowed to 'rape' me, but Dean was more than okay with them 'touching the merchandise' as long as they paid for it.
How to I tell Rick I feel... nothing.
I'm completely past feeling.
I promised myself I'd be okay for my baby, but I'm not sure I can keep that anymore. I was living for my family. I was living so Rick could find me and bring me home.
I'm not even sure I can live for myself anymore. And if I can't even live for me, what is the point?
I feel... Dirty. Used. Dead.
When he asked me to kiss me, I could feel... something. It was just a tiny spark of hope that I could come out of this. And the kiss... It was good. But it was fleeting, and the moment his lips left mine, the cold started to creep back in.
He's been holding me like I'm not most precious thing on earth and not some cheap trick. I know he loves me. I know he would do anything to me. And I wish like hell I could let him bring me back to solid ground.
But the turmoil inside me is just too much. I'm already drowning. I don't want to take him down with me. I love him too mcuh for that. Maybe if I let him go, he can find one of those bitches who think I'm not good enough for him.
No. He deserves someone better than that. But maybe he could find a nice woman who isn't broken. Someone who loves him the way he deserves to be. Someone who is better than me.
I can't get the pictures out of my head. They placed me in that damn cage every few hours. When they gave me 'food' it was behind the bars where they could make sure I was secured.
How do I tell him all the thoughts that are swarming my mind and not have him think I'm beyond saving? What if he gives up on me? I don't want him to see me like that. I want him to remember me the way I was. Not like this. And empty shell of what I used to be.
"I need to go check on your sisters," he whispers.
"Okay," I respond.
"I'll be right back," he promises. He doesn't look like he wants to leave me at all. But he's right. He needs to check on my sisters. They need him. And he promised to take care of them.
I watch as he leaves the room and feel my feet stand on their own.
I make it to the bathroom and turn on the tub. I turn the water on as hot as it can go.
I just want to feel... Something.
I see Rick's razor on the counter and don't even think twice. I really can't. I feel like my body is on autopilot.
I slide into the tub and skink into the hot water.
I sigh.
I finally feel warm.
I pull up my sleeve and blink.
I think of my sister's. I love them. Will they understand? I regret I'll not be around to watch them grow up into the women they will be.
I think of Rick. I love him so much. He will be angry at me. But he doesn't understand, I'm not really living right now anyway. I want him to be loved. I want him to be happy, and I'm making him sad.
I think of our little baby who will never have the chance at life.
I blink back tears I didn't even know where falling.
"I'm sorry," I whimper as I bring the razor up to my skin. "Please forgive me."
And then I brink the razor down hard.