Chapter 126 Gentle
My mind jumps to the Nutcracker Suite. I remember that dance. I loved that dance. I'd practice it over and over again until my body ached in a good way. It relieved all my stress...
I wonder if I tried, would I remember all the moves? Would I still be as graceful as I was when I was little? Would it push all the darkness out of me?
I'm startled out of my throughs when he reaches over and grabs my hand. I flinch away, not on purpose, but touch is hard for me right now.
I keep picturing the bastard hurting me. Telling me I'm nothing and that Rick would never want me back now that I'm filthy. I'm dirty. I was never good enough for him.
But his touch is soft and gentle, and he refuses to let me go. He rubs the back of my hand with his thumb in slow, careful circles, pulling my mind back to him and away from the darkness that is trying to drag me down.
"Little dancer, I have no fucking clue what you've been through the last few hours, but I swear, I will make it up to you. He can never get to you again..." He pulls my hand up to his lips and places a gentle kiss on my frozen knuckles.
The words break through my dazed mind. He's right. He doesn't know what happened, even though I'm sure he could take a guess. Am I brave enough to talk? I know he is trying to get me to communicate to him. He wants me to talk about it. Get it all out.
I don't know if I'm brave enough to get it all out. But maybe, just a little. Maybe just enough to let him know I'm still here. Still with him.
"He... raped me," I mumble, and suddenly Rick swerves to the side to the road. I guess he didn't expect me to respond, but the look on his face tells me he is both grateful for the response and terrified this will set me off.
In an instant, he pulls me into his arms. "I'm so sorry, Josie. I'm so fucking sorry. I know part of that is my fault. If I hadn't been fucking drugged..." He mumbles into my neck. "Baby, I'm so sorry for what he did to you. But just because he's a fucking jackass and couldn't keep his dick in his pants, it has nothing to do with how I feel about you!" he insists.
His lips are all over my face, soft and gentle. He rubs my back in careful circles. He nuzzles his face into my neck. Each touch is deliberate and soft. Careful, like he's scared I will break, but also worried I'll somehow disappear on him again.
I blink my tears away. I didn't know how much I missed his touch. When I woke up yesterday morning, I was in his arms, and he'd kissed me good morning. I didn't realize it would feel like a million years since then.
When I saw him with... her... I thought I'd never see him again. I hadn't planned on seeing him again. I didn't know my heart would ache this bad for his touch. I fucking missed him so badly and wanted to be back by his side.
But it was my own fucking decision to leave without getting all the details. Without demanding the bitch leave MY home! Without telling him he was in the doghouse. All the things I should've done, and regret, causing me to get caught by someone I had once thought I would marry.
He still wants me even after James touched me? James was sure that he wouldn't. He said I was filthy and Rick would never want to touch me again. In fact, he was planning on it. He was so fucking convinced he bragged to me that I was finally his.
But he was wrong!
"Y-you st-still want m-me?" I stutter over my words. I wish I could talk normal. I sound so weak like this. The words in my head don't stutter. They flow like normal... I can't tell if it's from the cold, or from fear. Either way, I hate it.
"Josie, I fucking love you. I will always want you! No matter what happens. And that bitch you saw me with? I didn't know it was her. She gave me a fucking hallucinogen, and I thought she was you. I only ever wanted you, Josie," he whispers, placing a soft kiss on my temple.