Chapter 13

Tuesday through Thursday was a wash. Agnes woke up, got dressed, got herself a coffee, and got on the subway all the way from Hell’s Kitchen to Queens. It was a long ride, but a reverse-commute, so one of the most pleasant thirty minutes on the subway system of New York City. Half-empty carts, always a seat, and silence. It was a chance for her to turn off, and just let herself be. Sally was not there; Ben was not there. There was no one in Queens. Just, work.

She found relief in the interactions with her Russian residents, her friendly dog owners, even the offbeat, quirky brokers. They had become a constant in her year away from London. Although tense and difficult at first, now, they were like her family. What family is perfect, Agnes reminded herself, as she got off the E train, and walked to the apartment complex.

Thursday night Ben texted her. She had not seen him since Monday afternoon.

“Hola Ines.”

Ines was her name in Spanish. Only her mother called her that when she was angry at her.

She avoided responding. What was she doing? Ben was an actual man, an actual person, not using her, but decent. Agnes wanted to tell Sally to shove her mission, and all the spy rules up hers. But she couldn’t do that right now. Maybe Sally would threaten her new friends, her new family… Ben.

Agnes worked out that night, and on the elliptical, she texted Ben back.

“Ey! What’s up.”

He responded immediately, “What time should we meet outside tomorrow? I think I’m done by 6. Did you want to go home and change?”

She was sweating all of her anger, fatigue, and frustration into those elliptical pedals. The gym was not that packed on a Thursday night, but there were enough people waiting for machines that she felt useful. The calorie marker always encouraged her to go a bit longer, just a bit more Agnes, you will thank yourself in your eighties.

Agnes looked at the text, imagined Ben in his apartment. It was eight pm, he was probably eating something, in his one-bedroom apartment in the Upper West side. Nice, clean, simple place, perfect for just him, and his family when they came to visit. What was he like, outside of the office, really? She thought of what to say, remembering Sally’s threat of not showing up for the benefit.

“Can we do an early night? I don’t need to change, but I need to go to an event tomorrow night… a friend is using me as an excuse to get dressed up for a gala.”

This was not far from the truth.

She put the phone down, focused on her arms. That flab right under her armpits, damn, she really wanted that to just disappear. Her music was rockin’, and she had been on that machine for almost an hour. Five more minutes. Ben responded, “Oh, ok, I mean I could go with you… I think I have a suit somewhere in my closet. Want to do dinner then gala? Whatever you want.”

Agnes smiled, even did a little “ha!” out loud. “Whatever you want.” That was something she had not experienced. Usually, Agnes had to either pick the place, or make the first move, like with Grant, if she had not kissed him, maybe it would never have happened. Come to think of it, Agnes realized, Grant had never taken out. They just slept together, after a night of near-death encounters. This was her first date, in a long time.

“I won’t force you to go, it is a sort of official thing…”

Sally would kill her.

“Well, at least let’s have dinner, and I’ll walk you there.”

She grinned. One minute to go on the fat blaster.

“Ok, Let’s meet at seven then, I need to change. Where do you want to go?”

Thirty seconds more, then she could figure out how to go on a date, then off to a spy mission.

Ben answered.

“Tell me what you like.”

Agnes finished her workout, took a breath, and felt like she was on the verge of having the best orgasm of her life… this man wanted to please her. Ben, please, don’t get too close, Agnes prayed. She went to the locker room and sat down on the metallic orange bench.

What did she like?

Agnes wiped her forehead with her shirt. She needed a second before responding.

Women came in and out, mostly leaving after their late workout. She remembered Danka, helping her train in the martial arts classes, encouraging her as she failed, when she was tired, all the moments she thought she could not go through with the training.

“It is all in you already. Just grab that monster, and wring his neck!”, she would shout at her when she lay on the ground, defeated, on the mat.

Danka had taught her how to believe in herself. Now, it was up to her, to discover who she really was, without orders, or threats, protocol, or guns. A new era.

Agnes took her phone, and answered Ben, slowly, really speaking from her heart.

“I don’t know, maybe we could have some French food? I love pate.”

He would probably think she was a snob, or weird, who wants French food on a first date? Maybe he would think she was asking too much.

“Perfect. I’ll pick a place then.”

Agnes smiled, and put him out of her mind, at least tried to. Now, she had bigger fish to fry. Sally texted her.

“Tomorrow on time please. Liaison’s name is Ina.”

Agnes texted back, “Copy that.”

………………………………………………….

Friday morning Agnes woke up, half-excited, half-mortified. She was going to see Ben in the office, then go out with him, then, infiltrate the French consulate to the UN with her current spy boss, meet another agent, and possibly blow something up. Just another Friday night.

At the office, she was more antisocial than usual, not making eye contact, or even looking up from her screen. She was finally acting like everybody else. Ben also avoided looking at her, but they did text a little bit: “hola”, “ smiley emoji”, “star emoji”, “cookie emoji”, “lips emoji”...

Agnes, you are flirting with emojis, she smiled, but quickly wiped it off her face. Five o’clock could not come fast enough.

At five minutes past five, she turned off her laptop, put her files and notes away, and said goodbye to her team. They smiled, happy it was Friday, another week in their lives was finally over, to enjoy their free time. Most were married, went home, had drinks, just lived Agnes guessed. She stood up, and fixed her hair, running her fingers through it several times. Agnes had worn her white silk blouse, black pencil skirt, and black suede heels. Très chic. She took her bag from the floor, and turned to leave, when out of the corner of her eye, she saw Grant.

No way, no, it can’t be, he can’t possibly be here, in this office…

She did a double take, and there was no one there. Ben was still sitting at his desk, facing the other direction, so he couldn’t see her. She started to walk to the elevator bank, slowly, scanning the small conference rooms, and the kitchen area. No one.

Something was very wrong.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Agnes stared at her closet. Of course, the one evening she was made for, a gala, she could not find a single thing to wear. It was six twenty, and she needed to be at the place at seven.

She skimmed through her cocktail dresses, and some gala outfits. Green, white, red… then the blue halter dress from the night at The Palomar, in London. Agnes had gotten it dry cleaned the second night after arriving in Manhattan. It looked as good as new. No one could tell she had been running for her life in that frock.

She thought of wearing it, but instead, shoved it to the back of her closet.

“New life Agnes,” she said out loud.

She went for the red silk gown, swooping open back, hem down to her toes, falling shoulder straps.

Six thirty, damn, “Shit!” she screamed. She had not put on an ounce of makeup.

Down to the wire, as usual Agnes, she thought. She ran into her bathroom, still in her underwear, let her hair down, fluffed it up a bit, combed it out, then put on some mascara, blush, and red lipstick. She ran back into her room, almost tripping over her laundry bag, then quickly put on her dress. Black heeled sandals, she went into her closet, pulled out a black clutch, and threw in her id, lipstick, a twenty-dollar bill, and her phone.

She had given her gun to Grant the last night she saw him. Agnes felt naked without it in between her legs, but Sally would have to fend for herself if the evening took a turn for the expected mayhem that usually followed her.

She took one last look in the mirror. Agnes had never looked more beautiful. Yet, she wanted her life for her, this show, the spectacle of it all, was not satisfying anymore. One day, she wanted to walk with Ben in Central Park, holding a coffee, and stopping from time to time, to kiss each other. One day…

Agnes almost forgot her keys as she ran to the door, running back to her room, grabbing them from her work bag, then finally, out the door she bolted.

She walked briskly out of the elevator, passing the doorman. He stood up as he saw her come and opened the door for her.

“Have a lovely evening miss,” and he brimmed with joy. Like a father almost, he looked to be impressed with her. She stopped and looked at him.

“Wish me luck, please…”

He took off his cap and nodded.

“Good luck follows you from this moment on.”

Agnes nodded, then walked out, and put her hand out for a cab.

A yellow cab swooped in and stopped at her feet. She grabbed her dress and opened the door. The driver looked back, waiting for the address. Ben had not told her yet!

She texted him.

“Ben, where am I going?”

The taxi driver got impatient, “Lady, where to please,”

She saw Ben typing. She looked at the driver, “Sorry, one second…”

He responded, “Jean-Georges. I figured, let’s go to a place your dress will stand out.”

She smiled. But the driver was not as charmed as she was.

“Lady! address…”

“Jean-Georges please, 60th and Central Park West..”

Her purse vibrated. She checked her phone. Ben.

“Can’t wait to see you, smiley face.”

She bit her lips, cleared her throat, and put her phone in her purse. Focus Agnes, it’s just dinner.

The driver pulled up in front of the restaurant, as Agnes checked her lipstick in her phone glass. As she went to get her twenty-dollar bill from her purse, her cab door opened, and a hand waited for her. She looked up, and there was Ben.

“I saw you… it is hard to miss you in that dress…” Agnes brimmed with happiness as she took his hand. The driver yelled out, “Hey!”

Ben walked over to the driver’s window, gave him a twenty, and thanked him for his patience.

Agnes stood there on the sidewalk, a small wind blowing her dress around her legs. She watched Ben walk towards her. He wore a black suit, with a blue tie, black trousers, and black dress shoes. She reminded herself that tonight she was on official business, and under no circumstances could she let this go any further than nine pm. He stood in front of her, and took her in.

“Preciosa Ines, eres preciosa… “

Agnes looked down at her feet, but Ben put his hand lightly under her chin.

“Don’t ever look down. You deserve the sky above you.”

She smiled but fought the urge to kiss him. She took his arm instead.

“Let’s eat, I haven’t had anything since this morning.”

Ben laughed, “What, coffee?”

She acted shocked.

“How did you know!”

They walked in, and the maître d' sat them right away.

……………………………………….

Agnes never took so long in the ladies’ room, not since Danka had taken her to the ladies’ lounge in the private terminal at Heathrow airport. But she was nervous. She had laughed, told Ben about her childhood in Puerto Rico, and her love for puppies and babies, and now, they had finished dessert, and it was almost nine. Sally had texted once: “Be on time.”

Agnes touched up her lipstick and fixed her shoulder straps.

What if I don’t show up? Agnes thought to herself. What if, instead, I go home with Ben? What would happen to them? She had to use “them”, since, whoever was in her life, would be used against her whether she liked it or not. How could she stop this? It was like her life would never be in her own hands. Either some lying scumbag, or, a powerful spy boss, or some faraway lover playing on her heart strings… enough.

Agnes looked at herself, turned to the left, then to the right, and nodded to herself.

“Right,” she said as she walked out.

Ben stood up as she came back to the table.

“Should we head out? I don’t want you to be late to the party.”

Agnes stood next to him and put her hand out for him.

“You are coming with me.”

Agnes said it a bit more like a command than a request, but Ben seemed to like this side of her. He smiled and took her hand without hesitation.

“Bueno, segura?”. He really wanted to make sure this was what she wanted. She kissed him on the cheek, then whispered in his ear.

“Si.”

He led her out of Jean-Georges and hailed a cab for them.

Agnes was holding on to his arm, and was laughing at something he was saying, when she saw Grant walking towards her. It was not a mirage, or a ghost, but actually Grant, Grant Thornton in a suit and bowtie, looking into her eyes, with the force of a million promises, and love.

She froze. Ben opened the cab door for her, but she did not move.

“Agnes, vamos.”

Agnes took a deep breath, as Grant arrived at her side. God, he smelled exactly the same.

He smiled, as if she had seen him the day before. His eyes danced with passion, she could tell he wanted to touch her, but his British spy training kept him in line.

“Good evening Agnes.”

Agnes tried to smile but couldn’t.

“Grant, hello, it is a surprise to see you here.”

Ben held the door open, but looked at Grant, and smiled. He nodded at Grant, but then looked at Agnes.

“Agnes, do you need to speak to him, or can it wait?”

Agnes looked at Ben, then at Grant. She felt as if she was back in Santa Fe, caught between two men fighting for her attention. But, this time, she had the power to choose what she actually wanted. Agnes, girl, what do you want? she asked her heart. Hear, please tell me, what do I do?

She looked back at Ben and nodded.

“No, we should go. Grant, I am sure I will see you at the benefit later this evening.”

Grant did not react, although inside he wanted to take out his gun, and shoot Ben in the hand for having taken Agnes away from him. Instead, he in turn held the cab door open for Ben. Ben was a true gentleman, and as such, smiled, and shook Grant’s hand, introducing himself.

“I am Ben Amos, see you later then!”

Agnes watched as Ben got in the cab, and Grant watched them drive away. She saw him disappear in the car’s rearview mirror, and her heart beat faster and faster the farther away from him they got.

Ben took her hand, gently, stroking her fingers lightly, as if she were a new rosebud.

“Who is he… it’s ok if it was something, well personal, but, I just want to make sure you are all right… “

Agnes did not say anything but looked at his hand caressing hers. She felt like telling him everything, all about the desert, and Ezra, and Danka leaving her behind, and Grant and her having had one night together in London after killing her ex-lover, then running from the Venezuelan militia, and then, having fled London and sought refuge under the radar in NYC. How this was all a lie, a cover, until she went back to her real life.

Ben put her hand to his lips.

“Ines, I don’t care about him, or what happened, I want to know one thing.”

Agnes looked at his face. He kissed her hand, then put it on top of his heart.

“Do you have a place for me in your life, now, in this moment, and tomorrow.”

Agnes smiled, and a tear came down her face. She didn’t know how to say it, but there were no words needed. She moved closer to him, put her other hand on top of his heart, and leaned in.

“I want you, no one else.”

He moved towards her, and with both his hands holding her face, gently kissed her forehead, both her eyes, and then, softly, put his lips on top of hers.

Her heart had not been open to love when she was with Ezra, perhaps because her subconscious protected her from that evil. With Grant, she felt an unexplainable chemistry, but there was not an open channel for them to see each other, know each other, and be together in the end. At this moment, as Agnes and Ben kissed, she finally felt a new sensation, starting from the center of her heart, moving towards her eyes, then her lips, and then the rest of her body. Her hands, legs, feet, even her hair. It was as if a soft warmth bathed her, protecting Ben and her from the outside world. She loved him, and she knew exactly what she was going to do.

The driver parked on the corner, before the embassy’s entrance. There were guests arriving, women in lovely black and white gowns, and men in their night’s best. Agnes and Ben held hands, and as Ben was about to pay for the taxi, Agnes stopped him.

“Ben, I want to tell you who Grant is.”

Ben sat back, and exhaled.

“Ok.”

Agnes took a deep breath, and as simply as she could put it, let him know who Grant had been in her life, how he had followed her in the middle of the night on a road outside of San Diego, how he had put her through tests, and then taken her to London. She said they were together one night, and after that, she had not seen him in a year’s time, until this very evening.

Agnes held her head in her hand as she finished.

“I thought this was all temporary, that I would eventually go back to London, and continue being a…”

Ben nodded.

“A secret agent.”

Agnes widened her eyes, confirming this.

“But it seems that, now, the life I have now, is the real one. The past… is just the past.”

The engine was still running, and the meter as well, but the driver was texting someone or other, and did not care what was happening in the back. He would still get paid. Ben crossed his arms, then put his hand on his lips, as if he was analyzing the situation.

“So...now. What do you want?”

Ben looked at Agnes, with kindness, but also, hurt. He did not deserve this, but Agnes thought, he did deserve the truth. And the truth was…

“I want you; I want to be with you, and I want to stay in New York.”

She almost pleaded this last sentence, and sat up forward, waiting for Ben to say something. He said nothing.

Agnes sat back. She waited a few seconds. Ben did not say anything to her. She needed to make a move, or else this would be the most expensive taxi ride in history.

She sat up and fixed her hair.

“I need to go in now and tell my soon to be ex-boss that I quit.”

Ben looked at her.

“I am going to tell her that I am done, that I quit, and that I am not alone in this world. She doesn’t own me, and I have something to live for. A good job, maybe getting a masters degree, and I have a crush on a guy from work, who I will probably fall in love with.”

He widened his eyes and smiled softly. Agnes gave him a nod and opened her door.

She fixed her dress, and was going to shut the door, when Ben came out her door too, sliding to the left, and pulling himself up by the window frame.

“Sounds good to me.”

He dove into the cab one more time to pay the fare. Agnes laughed out loud and covered her mouth with her hand.

He came back out, slammed the door, and kissed Agnes, in the middle of the street, as the taxi drove away. No men shooting at them, and no gun between her legs.

Agnes pulled away, putting her nose on top of his.

“You will probably have to see me fight off spies, my boss, and Grant… Can you handle this?”

Ben smiled.

“I have never doubted you, so don’t you start doubting me linda.”

He took her hand.

“Shall we say goodbye to your past?”

Agnes nodded, and together, they walked to the French embassy.