Chapter 28—Susan Dreams of Jenny

An enchanted forest surrounded the two women. Shimmering stars shone down upon them, and the full moon spread a luminous light on gnarled trees standing tall like guardians of the night. A gentle breeze caught their filmy ankle-length gowns, and they rose like clouds in the misty air. They danced with poise and grace holding hands and dancing in a circle, singing: Ring around the rosy, A pocket, full of posies, Ashes! Ashes! We all fall down.

They tumbled to the ground on a blanket of lavender interspersed with moss. Susan lay, looking up at the moon, sprawled next to Jenny. They looked like twins: their long, luxuriant pale blonde hair splayed over the ground. Their transparent sheer gowns revealed beautiful identical unblemished lithe bodies perfect in every way from head to toe. Alike, and yet, so very different: One dead and the other alive. One knew the secrets of life, and the other knew nothing. Others had led her in so many directions that she had lost hope in ever finding her way.

“This is so much fun,” Susan said breathlessly. “I’ve never felt so free.”

Jenny sat up, her expression aloof as she snapped off a lavender branch and sniffed it. “You’ve slain the dragon. It took great courage.”

“You’re the best friend ever,” Susan said. “I don’t think I could have done it without you.” She paused—a question in her mind—something she had to know. “Did I pull the trigger, or did you?”

Jenny waved a sprig of lavender in the air. “Does it matter who pulled the trigger?” She didn’t wait for Susan to answer and continued in a firm voice. “Dragons must be slain. If that’s remorse that I hear in your voice—get over it.”

Susan raised on her elbows, mildly annoyed. “Oh, but it does matter. I could be held accountable. I’m alive, and you’re dead.”

Jenny raised her brows, her expression indignant. “Really? I think it’s the other way around. I keep wondering when you’re going to start living. You’re such a bore at times, with your nose in a book.”

“There’s nothing like a good book. I like reading about other people’s adventures.”

Jenny sat up, her gray eyes intense. “What about your adventures? I see very little passion in your everyday life. Do you know what passion feels like?”

Susan frowned; Jenny was going too deep. “When I was a very young girl, I was passionate about everything—and then one day after Blaine had chastised me about something—I stopped feeling anything much at all. I found myself going through the motions of life like a Stepford wife—eerily flawless and unfeeling.” A tear streamed down her face. “You have to have love and trust to feel the passion.”

Jenny reached out and brushed away the tear from Susan’s cheek. A moonbeam picked it up and carried it away.

“You are a complete enigma to me,” Jenny said. “You’re free now, but you’re still sulking about the past. I think it’s time you begin to live your life.”

“I don’t know where to start,” Susan said sadly. “Maybe I’ve never known how to live.”

A smile curved at Jenny’s lips. “Breathe in the fragrance,” she said as she waved a sprig of lavender under Susan’s nose. “Be still, and you will find the young girl inside of you. She’s there in the wind and the trees. You’ll find her if you listen very carefully.”

Susan was dubious, but she breathed in deeply to humor Jenny. “It smells wonderful, but I don’t think I’m going to find her by breathing in lavender.”

Jenny stifled a smile as she rose and extended her hand to Susan. “Come on, lazy bones, let’s dance under the stars. The furry moss feels cool on my toes. Do you feel it? Close your eyes and let your body blend with nature. Mother Earth will heal you if you let her.”

They danced, and Susan began to feel lighter as the walls she’d built around her began to fall away. Their sweet voices rang out in the inky night. Ring around the rosy, A pocket full of posies, Ashes! Ashes! We all fall down.

They tumbled to the ground.

Moonbeams danced around them, making them look like fairy princesses. “We all fall down, but we get back up,” Jenny murmured, taking Susan’s hand firmly and pulling her up. “And we keep dancing our way through life. Through the good. Through the bad. Nobody knows when it will end. But it does.”

Susan’s eyes were feeling heavy as she felt herself drifting away. This time she didn’t get up. Sleep engulfed her.

The next morning the full enormity of what she’d done hit her like a ton of bricks. She looked at the rumpled blankets. What had she been thinking? She’d slept with Daren last night. Weary and guilt-ridden, she thought only of running away.

The room was dimly lit and elegantly decorated with thick white carpet, plush velvet chairs, and a luxurious matching couch. A song played in her head—Ring around the rosy, A pocket, full of posies, Ashes! Ashes! We all fall down.

Susan slid out of bed, trying to get her bearings. The last thing she remembered was the doctor giving her an injection. Her hip was sore. She rubbed it. Why was she wearing this white terry cloth robe? Where was Daren?

She felt like she was on a runaway train and couldn’t get off. Her life had turned to chaos in one night. She had to keep moving, keep running. She had to get back to her home in Ohio.

Susan went into the bathroom and peered into the plastic bag at the red dress splattered with blood. There it was—proof that it had happened. It hadn’t been a horrible nightmare. It was ghoulish as she slid her hand inside the bag and pulled the dress out so she could get a better look. Blaine's blood, a shade darker than the dress, had dried on the dress. The vision of Blaine lying dead, the blood spouting from his head, came back to her.

“I didn’t mean to kill you, Blaine,” she said in a weak voice. “I begged you to leave me alone. I am so sorry.”

And then Daren was there taking the dress from her hands and stuffing it back into the bag. “Let’s put this away,” he said. “It’s just a bad memory. I’ll get rid of it.”

Susan held out her hands. “I have blood on my hands. I’m a murderer.”

Daren looked at her hard. “Stop it, Susan. You killed Blaine in self-defense. Why are you putting yourself through this self-examination?”

“Blaine wasn’t all bad,” Susan said with a faraway expression. “No one is all bad. It’s life’s circumstances that make you who you are. The military made a killer out of him. Or maybe he lacked a gene that makes killers who they are. Blaine was a smart man. He was the valedictorian of his class and voted the one most likely to succeed. But Blaine once told me that he’d always liked to hurt things. When he was a teenager, he told me he’d shot his neighbor’s cats. The military gave him free rein to kill and gave him medals.”

“Don’t try to analyze Blaine, Susan. It would take a team of doctors working 24/7 to figure out the mind of a psychopath.”

Susan felt hungover from the medication as she washed the blood off her hands. Even after her hands were clean, she thought she saw a speck of blood. She started to rewash her hands, and Daren stopped her.

“Your hands are clean, Susan,” Daren said, taking her by the hand and leading her downstairs to the pool.

Susan felt better after a breakfast of scrambled eggs, bacon, a bagel with cream cheese. And a bowl of strawberries. When the doctor stopped by, she was sunning herself. Daren sat nearby on the computer.

“You look better this morning,” Dr. Yang said. “You have some color in your cheeks. But don’t fool yourself; you’ve been through a lot of trauma. It won’t go away overnight. You’re going to need a therapist. I can recommend someone.”

“I have a psychologist,” Susan said. “His name is Jack Anderson.”

“I know him. He’s the best. You should call him right away. In the meantime, take Xanax every six hours, and rest. I’m right next door if you need me.”

“Thank you,” Susan said. “But I’m leaving. I have a house in the country in Ohio. It’s peaceful there. I think that’s the best medicine for me.”

“I wouldn’t recommend traveling so soon after such a traumatic event,” the doctor said. “You need to start treatment immediately.”

Susan nodded though she had no intention of staying.

Susan was relaxing at the pool with Daren sipping an iced tea, when Bruce stopped by. Susan was emotional, and tears gushed when she saw how pale Bruce looked.

“Stop crying,” he said. “I’m fine. But I’m worried about you. What’s going on? Derrick told me that you’re leaving him.”

“It’s for the best,” Susan said in a choked voice. Where do I begin? Was it the fact that he was drinking at the bar with his uncles while I was fighting for my life? Or the shabby treatment I got from his mother and sister? Or could it be that he was partying with his family after I killed Blaine?” Susan put her hands on her hips. “If anyone thinks killing a man is anything to take lightly—it isn’t. Blaine put me through hell when he was alive, and now he’s dead, and he’s still putting me through hell.”

Susan heaved a sigh. “I’m not marrying into that family. Blaine’s out of my life now—and if I make the right choices—I might be able to have a normal life. Alone.”

“But you’re marrying Derrick, not his family,” Bruce said.

“Families don’t go away,” Susan said. “I don’t need a lifetime of misery. They will always be there.”

“You and Derrick need to talk,” Bruce said. “Get your things. I’ll take you home.”

“Well, I only have my purse,” Susan said. “My dress has blood splatters.”

Susan cried when she said goodbye to Daren. She put her forehead to his and murmured. “I don’t know what I’d done if you hadn’t been there. I know you want to help—but I have to get through this on my own. I have a lot of demons to fight.”

“Don’t break my heart,” Daren said softly. He buried his head in her neck. “Stay, and let me help you through this—I feel like I’m losing Jenny all over again.”

“Oh God, don’t make it so hard,” Susan said, wiping away tears. “You’re the best man I’ve ever known. I have to figure this out.” She walked away, then turned and said, “I’m not Jenny, Daren. I know I look like her—but I’m Susan. I’m a librarian from Ohio, who somehow ended up in a world that I don’t belong in—I don’t even know who I am anymore.”

“I know who you are, Susan.” He kissed her gently. “I’ll be here waiting if you change your mind.”

Susan broke away, crying hard.

Susan climbed in the car with Bruce. She waved to Daren as he stood in the driveway as they drove away.

“That was a lot of drama,” Bruce said with a look of disgust. “It makes me want to puke.”

“You shouldn’t have watched,” Susan quipped as she wiped her tears on the sleeve of her terry cloth robe.

“I had to watch. I might need to use ‘goodbye scene’ one day when I break up with one of my girlfriends. “I feel like I’m losing Jenny all over again—I’ll be here waiting.” Bruce mimicked. He glanced at her. “You know, maybe the guy should try finding his own women instead of stealing Derrick’s.”

“How can you be so judgmental?” Susan said, her eyes glassy. “You don’t even know what a relationship is—you sleep around with first one woman and then the next—and you never seem to find anyone you like. You use women for sexual gratification.”

Bruce shrugged. “They’re using me, too. Just because I’m not in a relationship doesn’t mean I have to be celibate. But I know one thing—I sure as hell don’t like triangles.” He shook his head. “Daren gave a performance worthy of Charlton Heston parting the Red Sea. But that’s all it was—a performance—right down to the little wave goodbye with the sad look. Please don’t fall for it, Susan. Don’t be like Jenny.”

Susan’s mouth gaped. “Like Jenny? You think I’m like Jenny?”

Bruce looked at her hard. “I don’t know what to think anymore, but I know what I saw—and that was Jenny.”

Susan put her hand to her forehead. There were no gray areas with Bruce. He always told her the truth, and the truth hurt.

They rode in silence the rest of the way home.

When Bruce pulled up in front of the mansion, guilt set in, and Susan covered her eyes with her hands. They hadn’t had sex, but she’d slept in Daren’s arms all night. The truth was hard to accept. She was like Jenny—undeniably attracted to Daren. Last night, she’d been Jenny and slept with her lover.”

“Get out of the car, Susan,” Bruce said. “Derrick’s waiting for you.”

“No. I can’t stay here. I don’t want to talk to him,” Susan snapped, not looking up. “I want to pack my clothes and go.”

She gazed at Bruce, worried that he looked pale.”

“You should be home in bed,” Susan scolded. “My God, you had surgery less than twenty-four hours ago.”

“I had to come. I let you down last night. I was tailing Blaine, and he was on to me. He was hiding behind a corner. I ran right by him. I saw him coming at me from my peripheral vision. He shot me as he headed for the elevator. I passed out and was there for a while before anyone found me.”

“I’m so sorry,” Susan said, reaching out and taking his hand.

“No. I’m sorry. I feel like I let you down. And I don’t know what happened in the past twenty-four hours, but you loved Derrick yesterday, and I think you still love him,” Bruce said gently. “Derrick is reasonable. He’ll understand. All I know is that if I had been there—you wouldn’t have stayed the night with Daren last night. I should have been there for you, Susan.”

“Stop beating yourself up,” Susan said. “It’s not your fault. Blaine was a mad man. He would have gotten to me somehow. It wasn’t like you think. Daren was trying to help. He called a doctor for me. It all worked out.”

“Did it?” Bruce asked with narrow eyes. “You didn’t do anything stupid, did you?”

Susan flung open the car door and ran up the steps ranting, “Whatever I did, I had to do. I killed a man. And my life turned to shit in twenty-four hours.” She took in a breath and shouted. “I killed a man, but I did not have sex with Daren last night. I’m not Jenny.”

Bruce jumped out of the car and followed her up the steps. He took her by the arm, and as he reached out to open the door, it flew open.

Derrick stood frowning. He was wearing a tee-shirt and sweatpants and looked exhausted. “Thanks for announcing to the neighbors that you killed a man last night but didn’t have sex with Daren. And I’m happy to hear you’re not Jenny. I’m sure that will give the neighbors something to gossip about for a month.”

“For Christ’s sake, be nice. I got out of a sickbed to bring Susan home. And now I’m going home to take a pain pill. Call me if you need me.” He turned on his heel and strode out the door.

Derrick looked at Susan suspiciously. “Nice robe—looks like one of those Ranch Casino robes. What do you have on under it?”

“Nothing,” she replied, her voice chilly. “I didn’t have anything to wear.” She paused. “It doesn’t matter what I’m wearing. I’m leaving. I came back to pack a few things and call a cab.”

“Running away, again,” he said through clenched teeth. “And it’s all my fault. My fiancé comes home wearing nothing under her robe, and I’m not supposed to be upset.” He paused. “What the hell happened? Susan, you spent the night with Daren, and now you’re leaving me—.

“Actually, I’m through running. This is my final exit. I’m leaving, and I’m not coming back.”

“Why? I haven’t done anything to deserve this.”

“You weren’t there for me, Derrick. You were at the bar with your uncles getting shit-faced while I was fighting Blaine off.”

“I left you with two bodyguards—the best. I didn’t know Bruce had been shot.” Derrick paused. “My God, give me some credit. I taught you how to defend yourself. And you did a great job. Blaine’s dead. You don’t have a scratch on you.”

“I don’t need you to congratulate me on murdering my ex-husband,” Susan spat. “Murder is a horrible thing. I’ll never forget the look on his face when I shot him. Never.”

“So, you’re going to let it screw up our life? We’ve come a long way. Yesterday, you loved me, and today I’m a bastard. When are you going to stop running, Susan?”

Derrick made a move towards her.

“Stay away from me,” she huffed. “I thought I knew you, but I don’t. Your uncles look like they’re in the Mafia. God only knows what you learned from them during the summers. They had to be the worst influence in the world for a young boy.”

“Don’t blame them. It was a party. I was at the bar with my uncles, then my mother had chest pain, and I went to the hospital with her. So how was I to know you were in trouble?”

“Maybe you would have figured it out if you hadn’t been so drunk.”

Susan pushed by Derrick and ran up the steps to her bedroom. She shrieked when she saw the bed. The blankets were in a tangled mess. And then she remembered that Fran had said Matthew had been in it with his girlfriend.

“Look at this room. Your nephew is lewd and disrespectful. I cannot believe that he was in my bed with his girlfriend. I don’t like any of your family, Derrick. None of them.”

“You know, I hate to say this about my nephew, but it looks like your room has been ransacked. This is serious.” He looked pensive. “I’m not trying to make excuses for myself, but my family may have set me up. They may have deliberately caused chaos to break us up: My uncles got me drunk, my mother feigned sickness to get into the house and wreck it—and it worked.”

“Don’t make excuses, Derrick. The bottom line is—you weren’t there for me.”

Susan called a taxi.

“I’ll take care of this mess,” Derrick said while she rummaged through her drawers, throwing underwear and nightgowns in a suitcase.

“Don’t bother, I won’t be coming back,” she hissed.

“Susan, be reasonable. I see my family once a year, and I usually go there. Jenny didn’t get along with my mother and sister, either. When they do visit—they stay at The Ranch. You don’t have to see them if you don’t want to.”

“Look! I don’t need people like them in my life.”

“But what about Bruce, Max, and Millie. And isn’t Fran your good friend? They’re our family, Susan. Won’t you miss them?”

She softened a little. “Of course, I’ll miss them. But I’ll get over it.”

She heard a honk.

“The cab’s here,” she said. “I’m going.”

“Please don’t go,” he said. “What do you have to go back to?”

“My roses,” she replied. “My mother planted the roses for me and told me that even when she was gone, they would always be there for me.”

Susan walked out the door and didn’t look back.