Chapter 15—Identity Crisis

Susan ran her sweaty palms down her white linen pants as Jack led her to the living room. It would be the first of many counseling sessions with Jack, and she was more than nervous. She looked around at the exquisitely decorated room decorated with white overstuffed sofas and chairs. A huge cactus plant and large round clay-colored ceramic lamps added accents. Huge paintings of the desert adorned the off-white walls.

Jack gestured for her to sit in a white overstuffed chair with a matching ottoman. “Sit down and put your feet up,” Jack said in a friendly voice as he sat down in a chair opposite her. “What’s going on, Susan?” he asked in a gentle voice.

“I don’t know where to start,” Susan said nervously. “I’m so embarrassed. This isn’t who I am. My life is out of control.”

“Start wherever you want,” Jack said. “We’re friends. I’m here to listen, not pass judgment.”

Susan reached for a tissue on the side table and wiped her brow. “I think I’m having an identity crisis. I don’t know who I am anymore.”

“Who do you think you are?”

“Jenny,” Susan said with a hopeless expression. “I’ve taken on her traits. I’m drinking more than I ever have in my life, and I’ve started to gamble. And now Derrick and I are fighting.”

“When did it first start?” Jack asked with a compassionate voice.

“When I started to wear her clothes. I felt more self-confident and prettier. I considered it a compliment when I was mistaken for Jenny at The Ranch. I knew she was successful.” Susan had a faraway expression. “She was a winner. And I suppose I wanted to be a winner, too.”

She glanced at Jack, expecting a look of empathy. Something to let her know that he understood. But he was looking intently at his notepad, pen in hand, making notes. She felt like a prodigy—a study for his book. She wondered why she’d come.

“Stop writing and listen to me,” she said through clenched teeth. “I need help.”

“All right,” Jack said. “It’s important that I write everything down. What is happening to you could one day help other women.”

“I’m don’t want to be a chapter in your book. I’m here because I thought you cared about me and could help me.”

Jack’s intellectual persona pissed her off, and his need for perfection was driving her mad. She wanted to look into his clear blue eyes and say, Your relationship isn’t so perfect either—do you know that your wife flirts outrageously with Max when you’re out of town. She calls him Big Boy. What would you think about that, Jack?

Jack handed her a tissue. She didn’t know why because she wasn’t crying, and she was holding a tissue in her hand. When she looked down, she saw shreds of tissue on her lap. Susan gathered up the pieces of tissue and handed them to Jack.

She held one shred up and stared at Jack hard. “Do you see this, Jack?” she asked.

“Of course, I see it,” he replied with a mildly annoyed expression.

“Well, this is what my life is like now. It’s in shreds, and I’m trying to pick up the pieces. And you need to stop writing in your notepad and help me.”

“All right if it will make you feel better,” Jack said, laying the notepad aside. He moved his chair closer. “Take a deep breath and go on. You have my full attention.”

“Okay, here we go—this is crazy stuff. You’re going to think I’m insane.”

“I won’t think anything of the sort,” Jack said in a low tone. “You can tell me anything.”

Susan looked at him pointedly. “I think Jenny is still alive. It’s as if she’s a ghost and living through me. She’s making me do things that I wouldn’t ordinarily do. I’m drinking and gambling.”

Jack put his hand to his forehead as if trying to comprehend what she was saying. “Susan, Jenny is dead. You can’t blame your behavior on Jenny. You must own your behavior.” He looked at her hard. “I’m going to be blunt with you, Susan. You are disowning your bad behavior because you don’t want to be responsible for what you’ve done.”

Susan crossed her arms.

“You know, Susan, there are pills that can help you,” Jack said. “You’ve been under a lot of stress. I think maybe you’ve had more than the body can handle.”

“I’m not crazy,” Susan said, anger rising. “I knew you would think I was crazy. I don’t know why I’m even talking to you.”

“It’s a simple matter of changing the chemistry of the brain. Trust me; it will help. Everyone needs help at some point in life. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, Susan.

She glowered at him. “I’m not sick.”

“I didn’t say you were sick, Susan. I said your body chemistry is not balanced. And you’re in denial,” Jack said, his demeanor changing to stern.

Susan put her hands over her ears. “I knew you would think I was crazy. It’s just like I thought—you can’t help me. I have to help myself.” Susan straightened her spine. “I’m ready to fight my demons.”

“We all have demons,” Jack said. “The pills will help you while you battle them. I believe you have a little bit of an addiction going on. It’s easy for something like that to happen in Sin City.”

“I’m not taking pills, Jack,” Susan said with a note of finality. “They all have side effects.”

“What are you going to do, Susan? If you ignore it—it could get bigger.”

“I’m going back to Ohio and find the girl I left behind.”

“How can I make you understand that running away isn’t the answer? You’ve never stopped running.”

“I can’t stay and let Jenny rule my life,” Susan said. “Besides, I haven’t dealt with what happened with Blaine.”

Susan closed her eyes and shook her head. “I have to do it my way, Jack.”

“But it isn’t safe. You can’t go alone. Derrick told me your house is in an isolated area in the country. You are well aware of a psychopath’s behavior. He could be there waiting for you.”

“I know, but I feel stronger now. Blaine held me in chains for five years, but I’ve broken out of them. I’m not afraid anymore.”

Jack looked skeptical. “You’re irrational, Susan. You don’t sound like yourself, Susan. Besides, you don’t know what Blaine could have done. There could be a python in your bed.”

“Thanks for scaring the bejesus out of me,” Susan said sarcastically. “That’s even more reason for me to go back. I can’t let such a beautiful home sit empty because I’m afraid to find out what’s on the other side of the door.”

“Ohio is getting a lot of snow. The roads could be treacherous.”

“I know how to drive in icy conditions. I grew up there.”

Jack’s voice sounded stressed. “When are you going to let me be the psychiatrist, Susan? Self-diagnosis isn’t a good idea.” His blue eyes pleaded with her. “Who are you running away from—Jenny or yourself?”

Susan wouldn’t meet his gaze. She rose and strode towards the door.

“It’s a pattern,” Jack said. “You have to accept it if you’re going to get well. Please don’t go, Susan. Stay and work it out.”

“I can’t stay,” Susan said, her voice intense. “I need to do this my way. A pill would only muddy the water and make me weak. I have to be strong. I’m fighting demons.” She turned on her heel.

“Don’t leave,” Jack said. “How can I make you understand that you need help? I’ll call Derrick.”

Susan’s gray eyes flashed. “Derrick is the last person in the world that I need right now. I’m leaving Sin City and going home where I belong. This isn’t who I am, Jack. I don’t even like the person I’ve become.” Susan had a faraway look about her. “I feel smothered and need to breathe. I need my land. My home.”

Jack held out his hand to Susan. “Maybe you should stop holding your breath. Let’s do this together—I promise—I can help you.”

Susan hesitated. Her hand reached out, and their fingers touched briefly, and she whispered, “I can’t stay.”