Chapter 26

Lena turned on her side on her bed. Thursdays were usually boring days for her, and the fact that she couldn't find sleep was not helping at all. Wherever he was, Morpheus obviously didn't like her.

Her mind travelled to week before when Damon had slept with her and then proceeded to throw her out of his house. She wondered how he felt. Was he happy? Did he have the peace he wanted? She shook her head, drawing the covers further up on her body to her neck. He probably didn't.

She hadn't known him long. They were together for almost a month. Nevertheless, she'd managed to pick up those little habits of his he thought no one knew. Everyone probably did.

How his eyes went a little dark when he was angry. The little smirk on his face when he was messing with people was his tell, she chuckled at the thought. How he liked his coffee black. His love for his family. She didn't doubt he'd happily give his life for them, he was that loyal. How passionate he was about things he loved, and how he was willing to do anything to make others happy. The sound of his laughter. The face he made when he was disgusted. His insane love for muffins and chocolate chip cookies. The color of his eyes when he was excited. How dangerous he looked when he was turned on, she thought of everything, and more.

But all that didn't matter. She'd tried her best to believe that he was only doing this for her good. He was, but the knowledge wasn't enough to ease the pain she felt in her heart. He was probably the only person she'd ever felt like this for, and the thought was fucking terrifying.

Giving someone else the power to make one smile or cry was terrifying. It was the most annoying thing about love. They had no control over their emotions anymore. One word, one look from that person had the ability to lighten or sour their mood. Worse, they couldn’t do anything about it. They'd just sit and watch.

Lena turned completely on her back, facing the ceiling. Her mind raced with different possibilities. If Damon decided to push her away completely, she'd be mad out of her mind with a fatherless child in her arms.

How was Damon connected to Jackson? And why wouldn't anyone tell her anything? Was that a gunshot wound down Damon's back? All these questions kept her up most nights. It became inevitable that they were questions she needed to find the answers to. But how?

Where was she going to start from?

Who was she going to ask?

Would Damon ever tell her?

Would she ever know?

Ugh!

The doorbell rang when she took another turn. The thought of getting up and walking all the way to the door downstairs was disheartening. She waited for a few minutes, hoping someone else would open the door. Hard work wasn't for her. She was pregnant after all.

Only, nobody knew it.

The ringing at the door worsened and it was clear everybody else was fast asleep. Or maybe they were all just as lazy as she was. Lena took a glance at her bedside alarm clock. It read 12:36 a.m.

It was too early for this, she thought as she grumbled her way down the stairs, way too early. Whoever it was at the was going to get a resounding slap.

She unlocked the door, pulling at the knob.

Surprise filled her.

“Lena,” Damon slurred his words as he staggered from one side to the other. His plump lips were curved up in a grin as wide as a Cheshire cat's and he reeked of alcohol. “Tesoro mio, sei bellissima.”

Lena couldn't hear him clearly because his words were slurred but she was sure he wasn't speaking English. He wasn't even remotely coherent. His eyes were bloodshot red, and it occurred to her that he'd probably been crying. But why? Her heart ached. He looked miserable since the last time she'd seen him. He had a week's stubble on his chin. He hadn't even showed up to work this week. Lena had never seen a more sorry-looking human being.

“Why are you doing this?”

“What? I wanted to see you.”

Tears sprang to her eyes; she couldn't help it. “Damon.”

He was fast, no doubt. With a ridiculously serious look on his face, he had a finger on her lips. “Shhh. No talking. I'm tired.”

Letting out a loud sigh, she hoped no one would come down and see him like this. It was heartbreaking. Damon was someone who usually had his shit together. She held him, throwing one shoulder over her head, with an arm around his back.

Lena helped him up the stairs, cursing when his weight became too much on her. She thought it was inconsiderate how he got himself drunk and gave her his mess to clean up. The struggle, she hoped, would be a stealthy one or her and Damon would end up sleeping outside.

Throwing him on the bed, she stretched her stiff bones. Damn, the man weighed a ton. He fell on the bed like a sack of potatoes, holding still like he was playing dead. After ensuring that the door was locked, she turned to face him. He was fully clothed; she couldn't see any skin sticking out save for his head.

She busied herself with discarding his clothes. Everything reeked of alcohol. God, what made him drink like this? Damon rolled on his stomach and she put her head down to keep her watery eyes from his prying eyes, which were weirdly wide open.

“Lena, that tickles.” He squirmed when she pulled at his Converse. “Lena.”

“Shut the fuck up or I will leave you alone.”

He quieted down and she continued taking off his clothes. His jeans went next, leaving him in only boxer briefs. She pulled off his T-shirt. She had to remind herself that she was pissed at him so she wouldn't admire what a fine creature he was. A tear ran down her cheek, hitting his chest. Ignoring his tense body, she fixed him up on the bed, adding a pillow behind his head. The intensity of his look burned through her skin, straight to her heart.

Lena kept asking herself why. Why, of all the people she could've fallen for, why it had to be him. Why it had to be Damon Specter. It wasn't supposed to be this hard, was it? It was never supposed to be this complicated.

When she was done with him, she lay on the other side of the bed, keeping as much distance from him as possible. It wasn't that hard anyway; her anger was fueling up as she thought more of the way she'd seen him at the door. Simply put, he looked pathetic.

“I'm sorry.”

Lena didn't know when a soft sob escaped her lips.

“I'm so sorry.”

Her hand flew to her chest, and she felt like pulling her heart out. His voice did things to her, things she didn't want. It made her feel things she didn't want to feel. It told her things she didn't want to know.

“I love you.”

And she was full on crying, crying into her pillow. Her face ached with hot tears. No, she didn't want to hear that. She didn't want to know that. Not now. Not when things were so complex and definitely not when she wasn't even sure they had a future.

“I fucking love you, and that's why it hurts seeing you like this. It kills me to see you cry. Please forgive me.”

She swallowed, trying to control her voice. “Go to bed, Damon. You're drunk. You don't know what you're saying.”

“I might be drunk, but truer words have never come out of my mouth. I swear I couldn't love you more than I do now, but I know I will tomorrow. What I have with Jackson is complicated. He came into my life when I was fifteen, and he's very dangerous. That's why I don't want you near him, he could kill you just to spite me. Please, I promise I'll tell you when I feel it's right. Don't go poking the bear. Trust me.”

“Trust you,” she repeated with a humorless smile. “Trust you. That's what I've been doing for the past month. I've been trusting you. I've been trusting every other person. I'm fucking tired of it.”

She couldn't see his face with her back turned to him but she heard the hurt in his voice, loud and clear. She only hoped he heard and felt the hurt in hers. Asking him to trust her was a bit too much, she mused. In fact, it was completely absurd. She couldn't trust blindly. Not when she didn't know what could happen next. The suspense was maddening.

Realizing she didn't want to talk anymore, she closed her eyes and tried to block him out. It was mighty difficult because his presence wasn't one to forget. His smile, his scent, the feel of his body beside hers, it was crazy.

But it was his next words that kept her awake for the most part of the night.

“I don't know what's going to happen to us. I cannot read stars or see the future but know this: I'm all in. Here and now, until I'm dead in the dirt. No matter how difficult it gets or no matter how hard the world desperately tries to tears us apart, I'll be yours.”