Twenty-six
I did wake up, and seeing the clock, I knew I had slept through my classes again. It didn’t matter. I dragged my body to the bathroom, took a shower, and thought about the horrible things Brit had said yesterday. They were nasty, but there was truth to them. What if I had slept with Harry? As much as I had enjoyed his kisses, I don’t think I could forgive myself if we had sex. That would have been the ultimate betrayal to David… even if we were broken up.
So, everyone hated me here. I was flunking, I didn’t have a job, and I had to avoid a certain Archer boy before I committed a deadly sin.
I needed to get away. And I knew exactly the place to go. I packed a duffle bag and slipped out without telling anyone where I was going. I doubted anyone would care. They would assume I was with Harry. Well, the joke was on them. I did have one more important person left in my life. It would be a long drive, so I made sure to fill up my tank before I left.
Jogging up the stairs of the brownstone, I rang the bell, hoping Adam was home. I hadn’t called or texted. I should have. But I needed to just be out of Pennsylvania, and Boston seemed like a good choice. It was my home. And it held no traces of the damage I had done. College had become a train wreck, one that I created, and I wanted desperately to flee the scene of the crime.
There was the distinct sound of a dog barking. Cupcake. I smiled. I hadn’t seen her since Christmas. She was part Lab, part Shepard, with soft yellow and white fur. Adam ended up taking her to his apartment when mom and dad decided they wanted to sell their big house and travel since all their kids had left the nest. Cupcake was barking like crazy and jumping against the door.
“Cupcake! Back!” It was Adam, and I sighed in relief. There was the click of the lock, and the door opened. My brother looked shocked to see me. “Kris? What on earth are you doing here?” He smiled and opened his arms, and I fell against his chest, fighting back the tears.
“I needed to come home,” were the only words I could muster. This wasn’t home, it was Adam’s apartment. But Adam was home. Cupcake was home. And it was enough.
Adam pulled me into the vestibule, and Cupcake was jumping up and down. The dog was freaking huge, and when she jumped, her great big paws hit against my shoulder. I pulled away from Adam and gave her the love she needed. “Hey girl! Boy have I missed you!” An image of Beast flashed in my mind, but I shook it away. Beast was an Archer, and I needed to stay away from all Archer boys, even the seemingly harmless furry ones.
“I can’t believe you’re here,” Adam said, looking me over with his dark brown eyes. Me and my brother looked a lot alike. Some people even thought we were twins, even though we were five years apart. I looked up at him from my crouched position. Cupcake was on her back now, enjoying a much anticipated belly rub.
“Krissy?”
“Yeah?”
“What’s wrong?”
“Why does something have to be wrong? I can’t just surprise you?”
“Of course you can, but you never have before.” He crouched down beside me. “So… tell me. What’s wrong?”
“Short version? Everything.”
“I think I’m going to need the long version.” He peeled my duffle bag strap off my shoulder and walked into the living room. “I want to hear everything.”
Adam listened and didn’t interrupt as I went through the past few months. I was honest. More honest than I had been with Brit or anyone else. He looked disappointed when I told him about the pills, but I also knew my brother didn’t have the cleanest slate, either. He was by no means a druggie or anything, but he had his share of experimentation.
“How do you feel now?”
“Undone. Completely undone.” I shook my head. “A few months ago, I was president of Delta Sig, I had an audition lined up at my dream school, and I was in a relationship with my soul mate. Now…now I’m just shattered. Every choice I make is the wrong one.” I took a swallow and admitted my biggest fear. “I don’t even know if I’ll graduate on time.”
“Are you fucking kidding me?” Adam was livid. I was hoping for a touch of sympathy, not a lecture. “Kris, you always had your shit together. All this over a guy?”
“It’s not just over a guy—It’s David!”
“I know how much you love him, but I will not allow any man to have this much power over you.”
“It’s not just the breakup… Adam, I don’t know who I am anymore.”
Adam grabbed my hand, pulled me off the couch, and marched me into the hallway, positioning me in front of the mirror. Messy ponytail, no make-up, and dark circles under my eyes. I looked like hell. “David did not define you. You were a beautiful, intelligent, talented woman. You still are. She’s not gone, Kris. She’s just buried a little bit. We need to dig her back out.”
“It just hurts so much.”
Adam looked at me, his brown eyes filled with empathy. “Sometimes you have to feel the hurt. You need to wrap it around you and let it in before you can heal and move on. You never let it in. You tried to make it disappear.”
“Letting it in means…it means he’s really gone.”
“David is gone. But you’re not.”
I turned and buried my face into his shoulder, sobbing like I did when I was a child and I knew my parents were going to ground me for breaking a vase or failing a test. “How do I breathe? I can’t breathe without him.”
“You can. You’re not a fish flopping around on the sand. You’re a goddam mermaid basking in the sun.”
I laughed at that. “You’re a freak.”
“You’re the one with a tail instead of legs. C’mon, let’s go out for dinner.”
I peeked back at the mirror, I was such a mess. “Can’t we just order in?”
“No. This is your first step. Go take a shower, put make-up on, and we’ll head over to the market. Beer and oysters, on me.”
“Okay,” I conceded. He was right. I needed to start over. This mermaid needed to learn how to survive on land.
Dinner with my brother was the exact medicine I needed. I missed the sound of Boston accents and the streets I grew up in. After dinner, we took Cupcake for a long walk, strolling past our old house and reminiscing about when we were kids. Then, we went home and watched Adam’s beloved DVD of when the Red Socks beat the Yankees in 2004. It was a tradition he had. Anytime he was feeling down, he popped that game in and relived the highlights. Even now, over a decade later, he still jumped on the couch at the end screaming, “The Red Socks win! The curse is over!”
“I know this is your little feel better ritual, but it doesn’t really have the same effect on me.”
“It should. Baseball is the greatest metaphor for how we should live life. Babe Ruth once said, ‘Every strike brings me closer to the next home run.’”
“You’re quoting a Yankee?”
Adam took off his navy-blue cap and smacked me playfully in the back of my head with it. “He was a Red Sock first, smart ass. The point is, you gotta persevere. Never give up. Everything that life throws your way, you study those pitches, and sooner or later, when you swing… homer.”
I looked at my brother. In his own little way, he was quite profound.
He put his arm around me. “You’re due a win. But you gotta work hard for it? Understand.”
“I do. Thanks for the pep talk, Adam.” I kissed his cheek and got up.
“You going to bed?”
“Yeah, I just have to make a phone call first…work on gaining that win.”
“Batting practice?”
I laughed. “Batting practice. Night.”
Cupcake followed me into Adam’s bedroom. He said he’d take the couch since he liked to stay up late watching TV anyway. I sat on the edge of his bed, and Cupcake jumped beside me, licking my face for encouragement.
“Think she’ll forgive me?” I asked her. Cupcake barked in return. “All right. Here goes nothing.” I dialed the number on my cell and waited.
“Do you need me to bail you out of jail?” Brit answered the phone with prickles of ice in her voice.
“What?” I let out a nervous laugh. “No.”
“Then what do you want?”
“I’m calling to apologize.”
“I’m listening.”
I rested a hand on Cupcake’s back, and she lowered her head onto my lap. “You were right… I didn’t face my problem, I lost control.”
“And you shit on your best friend.”
“That too.”
“Who was only looking out for you.”
“Yes, I know.” She wasn’t exactly making this easy, was she?
“Kris, I would never ever go near David.”
“I know. I was just hurt, and I projected my anger at you.”
Silence. Would she forgive me? “Where are you anyway?”
“Boston. I’m staying with my brother.”
“How long?”
“I don’t know.” I really didn’t. Things felt easier here.
“You have one more midterm next week.”
“I know.”
“Come home, Kris. If you come home, we can move forward. I promise.” Her voice softened, and I realized she had forgiven me.
“So you don’t hate me?”
“No, stupid. I love you.”
I smiled at that. She was the best, and I had treated her so horribly. “I’m really sorry.”
“I know. And for what it’s worth, I’m sorry, too.”
“For what? Everything you said was true.”
“I’m sorry I agreed to David’s conditions. We weren’t fooling around, but it was like we were sneaking around behind your back, and that was wrong. I wanted to tell you, but…”
“I know.”
“So you’ll come home?”
“Yeah, but not tonight. I want to just be with my brother a little while longer. Cool?”
“Cool.”
We said good night, and I hung up then grabbed my toiletry bag but stopped in the living room first. “Hey, Adam, I’ve got a runner on first.”
Adam looked over his shoulder. “That’s my girl.”