Chapter 31 The Weight of Guilt
Julian: POV
I watched Elena walk out of that hospital room, her shoulders straight, her head held high like she hadn't just blown up my entire fucking world.
Get out.
I'd actually told her to leave.
And she did. Without looking back. Without hesitation.
That should've made me feel satisfied. Vindicated. She'd crossed a line, insulted Victoria in her hospital bed, and I'd put her in her place.
So why did I feel like I'd just stepped off a cliff?
"Julian?" Victoria's voice pulled me back. Soft. Worried. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for any of this to happen."
I turned to face her, forcing my expression into something neutral. "It's not your fault."
But my mind was still replaying Elena's words. I'm done playing your games. Done pretending this marriage is anything other than a prison sentence.
A prison sentence.
'Is that what she thought? That I'd trapped her? '
I clenched my jaw. She was the one who'd climbed into my bed three years ago. If anyone was trapped, it was me.
"Julian." Victoria reached for my hand. "Are you okay? You look upset."
"I'm fine."
I wasn't fine. I was furious. Confused.
"She just makes me so angry," I said, more to myself than to Victoria. "Every time something happens, she threatens divorce. Every single time."
Victoria squeezed my hand gently. "Maybe she doesn't mean it."
"She means it." I laughed bitterly. "You should've seen her face. She wants out. She's desperate for it."
And you can't stand the thought of it.
No. That wasn't true. I wanted the divorce too. I'd prepared the papers. All she had to do was show up at City Hall and it would be over.
So why did the idea of her actually going through with it make my chest feel like someone was crushing it?
"Why won't she just apologize?" I muttered. "It's not that hard."
Victoria tilted her head. "Maybe she really believes she didn't do anything wrong."
"She didn't see you fall. She wasn't there." I ran a hand through my hair. "But when I walked in, you were on the floor bleeding."
That you could trust her. That you could believe her when she says she didn't do it.
I pushed that voice down. Deep down where it couldn't fuck with my head.
Victoria's eyes were watching me carefully. Too carefully. There was something in her expression—something sharp and calculating—but it disappeared so quickly I thought I'd imagined it.
"Julian," she said softly. "You don't have to defend me. I know Elena doesn't like me."
"This is about respect. She should've apologized. It's basic decency."
Victoria's lower lip trembled slightly. "I don't want to cause problems in your marriage."
Too late for that.
"Look, Victoria. I'm sorry Elena spoke to you that way. She was out of line."
"You don't have to apologize for her."
"Yes, I do." I met her eyes. "But you need to understand something. Elena doesn't handle you well. And honestly? I think it's better if you two just stay away from each other."
Victoria's expression shifted. Just for a second, I saw something flash in her eyes. Something cold. Dangerous.
Then it was gone, replaced by hurt and confusion.
"Stay away?" she repeated. "Julian, I came to New York to be close to you. To try to rebuild what we had."
"Victoria. You need to stop."
"Stop what?"
"This." I gestured between us. "Whatever you think is going to happen between us... it's not."
Her face crumpled. "But you said—"
"I know what I said." I cut her off. "Three years ago, I told you I'd marry you. I meant it at the time."
"Then why—"
"Because I was paying back a debt." The words came out harsher than I intended. "You saved my life when we were kids. I owed you. I thought marrying you was the right way to settle that debt."
Tears spilled down her cheeks. "So that's all I am to you? A debt?"
"I care about you, Victoria. I do. But not in the way you want."
"You don't love me."
"No," I said quietly. "I don't."
The silence that followed was suffocating.
Victoria stared at me, tears streaming down her face, and I felt like the biggest asshole on the planet. But what else could I say? That I'd been lying to her for three years?
She'd saved my life. I owed her honesty at least.
"I understand." Her voice was barely a whisper.
"This isn't about Elena." Liar. "This is about us. There is no us. There never really was."
She looked down at her hands. "I love you, Julian. I have since we were children."
Fuck.
"I know." And I did. That was the worst part. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry." She looked up, her expression softer now. Resigned. "I knew you didn't feel the same way. But I thought maybe, with time..."
"Victoria." I reached for her hand. "I'll take care of you. Whatever you need—money, medical care, anything—it's yours. But I can't give you what you want."
She nodded slowly. "Can I ask you something?"
"Of course."
"Do you love her?" Her eyes locked onto mine. "Elena. Do you love your wife?"
The question hit me like a punch to the gut.
Do I?
"I don't know," I said honestly.
And that was the truth. I didn't know what I felt for Elena. Anger? Yes. Frustration? Absolutely. But underneath all that...
"I'll wait for you," Victoria said suddenly.
"What?"
"I'll wait." Her grip on my hand tightened. "However long it takes. I'll wait until you're free."
"Victoria, that's not—"
"Please." Her voice cracked. "Let me have this. Let me believe that maybe someday..."
I wanted to tell her no. To rip that hope away before it took root. But looking at her—pale and fragile in that hospital bed—I couldn't do it.
Coward.
"You don't need to wait for me," I said instead. "You should move on."
"I don't want anyone else." Her eyes were fierce despite the tears. "I want you. I've always wanted you."
I pulled my hand away gently. "Focus on getting better, okay? Your health—that's what matters right now."
I stood up, ready to leave. Ready to get the hell out of this hospital.
But Victoria's hand shot out, grabbing my wrist.
"Julian, wait."
I turned back, and something in her expression made my stomach drop.
"What is it?"
She hesitated. Bit her lip.
"Victoria. What?"
"You're not really going to divorce Elena, are you?"
The question caught me off guard. "What?"
"You seemed so angry with her. I thought maybe this was it. That you'd finally had enough."
Why does she sound hopeful about that?
"That's between me and Elena," I said carefully.
"I know. I'm sorry." She paused, then looked up at me with those wide, innocent eyes. "It's just... Julian, you know what she was like before you married her, right?"
My entire body went rigid.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"Her private life." Victoria's voice was gentle. Concerned. "Before you two got together. You know about all that, don't you?"
All what?
My mind flashed to the photos Victoria had shown me three years ago. Elena in a nightclub. Elena with different men.
Photos I'd never been able to fully verify.
Photos I'd tried to forget.
"I don't want to talk about this," I said flatly. "Don't worry, I'll handle it myself."
"Focus on getting better. I need to take care of some things, so I'm gonna head out. I'll come by and check on you later when I get a chance."