Chapter 144 Finally Quiet
Elena: POV
The woman who could only get to Mom because I hadn't been there.
Because I had left.
Because I had failed.
"I never chose her over you."
I laughed. It was a horrible sound. Empty and echoing. "You did. You always did. Even now. Even with my mother's body still in that room upstairs, you were still making excuses for her."
"I'm not making excuses. I'm telling you the truth."
"Your truth." I finally looked at him again. His face was pale. Stricken. I felt nothing. Just the hollow ache where my heart used to be. "Your truth where you're the victim. Where you're the good guy who tried his best. Where it's always someone else's fault."
Like how it was my fault Mom was dead.
Because I had left her.
Because I had been selfish and weak and I had left her alone.
"Elena—"
"If it wasn't you..." My voice trailed off. I frowned. Like I was trying to solve a puzzle through thick fog. "Then who? Who else would want my mother dead?"
He opened his mouth. Closed it.
"See?" I smiled. It didn't reach my eyes. "You don't have an answer. Because there is no answer. Because it was you." My voice dropped to almost a whisper, more to myself than to him. "...Unless it was me."
I had let this happen.
I could have stopped it.
I should have been there.
"It wasn't." His voice broke. "Elena, please. You have to believe me."
"I don't have to do anything." I turned toward the exit. My legs felt like they belonged to someone else. Heavy. Disconnected. "I don't have to believe you. I don't have to trust you. I don't have to stay here and listen to you lie to my face."
I didn't have to keep living with this guilt.
This crushing, suffocating guilt.
"Where are you going?"
I didn't answer. Just kept walking.
"Elena—"
"My baby is gone." The words came out mechanical. Rehearsed. Like I had said them a thousand times. "My mom is gone. Everyone I love is gone."
Because I couldn't protect them.
Because I had failed.
Because I was always failing.
I pushed through the cafeteria doors. Into the hallway. Toward the elevator.
He followed. Of course he followed.
"You have me." His voice was desperate now. Raw. "Elena, you still have me—"
I pressed the call button. Turned to face him. "Do I? Do I really? When I think your judgment about Victoria was always wrong?"
Our eyes met. For a moment—just a moment—I saw something in his face that looked like genuine anguish. Like he was breaking apart right in front of me.
Good.
Let him break.
Let him feel what I felt.
The elevator dinged. The doors slid open.
I stepped inside.
He lunged forward. "Elena, wait—"
The doors started to close.
"If it's not you," I heard myself say. My voice was so quiet. So broken. "Then who, Julian? Who else would do this?"
He stared at me. Opened his mouth.
But he had no answer.
The doors shut. Cut him off mid-breath.
I stared at my reflection in the brushed steel. A stranger stared back. Hollow eyes. Tangled hair.
Because I hadn't been there to stop it.
The elevator descended. My stomach dropped with it.
I should have been there.
I should have been there.
I should have been there.
The words became a chant. A mantra. Beating in time with my heart.
When the doors opened on the ground floor, I walked out into the lobby. Early morning light streamed through the windows. Too bright. Too cheerful. Wrong.
Everything was wrong.
Mom was dead.
The baby was dead.
I was alone.
And it was all my fault.
My feet carried me forward. I didn't know where I was going. Didn't care. Just walked. One foot in front of the other. Mechanical. Empty.
Behind me, somewhere in the hospital, Julian was probably calling security. Calling his driver. Calling his people to track me down.
Let him.
I walked faster.
I should have been there.
I should have been there.
I should have—
---
The world was too loud. Car horns. Sirens. People shouting into phones. The city waking up around me like a beast stretching after sleep.
I kept walking.
The sounds started to blur together. Fade. Like someone was slowly turning down the volume on the world.
I had felt this before. During those weeks in the penthouse. When Julian had locked the doors and taken my phone and told me it was for my own protection.
The world had gone quiet then too. Muffled. Like I was underwater.
Situational depression, the doctor had said. Acute stress response.
Dramatic, Julian had said.
But I knew what it really was. It was my mind shutting down. Protecting itself. Because feeling everything was too much. Too painful. Too impossible to bear.
I should have been there.
The thought kept circling. Relentless.
If I had been there, she wouldn't have died.
If I had just held it. If I had just stayed.
Five minutes.
That was all it had taken.
Five minutes for me to destroy everything.
My hands were shaking. I shoved them in my pockets. Kept walking.
Brooklyn Bridge rose up ahead of me. I didn't remember deciding to come here. Didn't remember turning in this direction. But my feet knew where they were going.
The pedestrian walkway was mostly empty. Too early for tourists. Too cold for joggers.
I walked to the middle. Stopped near the railing. Looked down at the water.
The East River churned below. Dark. Murky. Endless.
Mom was dead.
The thought was so simple. So final.
The baby was dead.
I was alone.
And it was my fault.
All my fault.
Wind whipped across the bridge. Pulled at my hair. My clothes. I didn't feel it.
I didn't feel anything.
That was better. Feeling nothing was better than feeling the crushing weight of guilt. Better than feeling like I had failed everyone I had ever loved.
Maybe I should just stop.
The thought came quietly. Calmly. Like it was the most reasonable thing in the world.
Maybe that would be easier.
Maybe then I wouldn't have to remember.
Wouldn't have to see Mom's face.
Wouldn't have to know that I could have saved her if I had just been there.
Behind me, distant car horns echoed through the morning air. The city's background noise. Meaningless.
I didn't turn around.
I stared at the water.
So dark down there. So quiet.
No guilt there.
No failure.
Just silence.
I was so tired.
So tired of failing everyone.
So tired of living with this.
The impact came like a dream. Distant. Unreal.
Something slammed into my side. My ribs cracked. The world spun.
I was flying. No—falling.
The railing rushed up to meet me. My back hit it. Pain exploded across my spine.
And then I was over.
The sky wheeled above me. Gray clouds. A seagull. The bridge's cables.
Then water. Dark water. Rising up to swallow me whole.
Cold.
The river hit me like a fist. Drove the air from my lungs. Dragged me under.
I didn't fight it.
Didn't kick. Didn't struggle. Just let the current take me.
Down.
Down.
Down.
I'm sorry, Mom.
I'm so sorry I wasn't there.
I'm sorry I failed you.
I'm sorry—
The water was so cold. So dark. It filled my lungs. My mouth. My eyes.
I was sinking.
And somewhere above me, I heard a voice. Distant. Broken.
Screaming my name.
"ELENA!"
Julian's voice. Raw. Anguished. Inhuman.
How was he here?
But it was too late.
I was already gone.
The darkness swallowed me whole.
And everything went quiet.
Finally.
Quiet.